I know I haven't written here in a bit. I haven't had much valuable to contribute. As I've written about on my other blog, I'm in a real funk. It's become very hard to stay positive & see the light at the end of the tunnel when I don't have a job. I try & some days it's hard, lately, it's been more difficult than usual.
My exercise is still a bit toned down. Ashley & I have been keeping up with C25K. We're still on week 1, but who cares, we still at least are working that program. We also are still doing Zumba. I was really hoping that we'd have new Zumba stuff, but we are still doing the same moves from the first session, which is a little disappointing. I'm looking forward to when Hip Hop starts because that will be different.
My mom has been asking me what I want for Christmas. I have been telling her nothing. She's been very helpful & generous to me always, but more so since I've lost my job. I didn't feel I deserved a Christmas present. Well, last night I was talking with my friend "Annie", who has had great success on WW (Weight Watchers) losing 12 pounds!!! I also know my friend Leah has also had success with WW & I believe she reached her 10%. You go girls!!!!! I have yet to hear or read anything from Leah about the new points system that WW has just announced. It's been "in effect" for almost a week. Lastly, I'm going to share another very inspirational blog, someone who just recently reached LIFETIME with WW. Leah actually shared this with me & I've shared it with some people. I went back to the beginning & read all of her posts. If you've ever read my blog & feel like you understand because you identify with me, well, you will love Bitchcakes. Trust me. While I don't know her personally, we have had a couple of exchanges on Twitter (you can follow me @emscibilia) and just such an inspiration. Thanks Leah for sharing her blog with me!! I may have mentioned that I did WW some time ago. When I worked the program I did lose about 50 pounds on it. Since then I've gained about 20 back. Such is life.
Anyway, my mom has been asking me what I want. I've asked for her to pay for 3 months of WW online for me as my Christmas present. I'm going to do my best to eat real foods & share my progress, whatever it is with you. So, on Christmas day, I will be signing up!!! I'm actually excited. Eating & controlling portions has always been the most difficult for me. When I tell you I exercise like a fiend, I do. I love it. It's just putting it all together. Eating provides comfort for me & since losing my job, I've sought a little more comfort than usual. I think I might need to make some signs to hang in my kitchen that FOOD IS JUST THE FUEL MY BODY NEEDS TO WORK. I get it, I can say it, but sometimes I don't believe it. Sometimes I believe food will make me happy. Yeah, I know, it does for about a minute, then guilt sets in, I feel like poo & the cycle starts all over again. I'm a food coper just like there are people who cope with drugs or alcohol.
Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you.
Have a lovely Saturday everyone!!!!
Showing posts with label comfort. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comfort. Show all posts
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Comfort
I've decided to step out of my comfort zone to help get me motivated. It was the only thing I could think of to do.
I've never really wanted to run. It just didn't seem like fun. But lately, I've been feeling very different about it & decided maybe it was time to try something new. So a couple of weeks ago while I was walking, I picked up the pace. I did a couple of small jogs within my walking. My lungs felt like they were going to explode. Of course, I realize this is going to take some work but I'm willing to put the time & effort in.
Last week, as my impending 27th birthday was approaching, I got to thinking that I needed a short term end goal. At work Patrice has been keeping us updated on a little girl named Jordan Yaros. Jordan & her family are friend's with Patrice's family. She has Ewings Sarcoma & just ent through 16 hours of surgery to remove the cancer from her leg. To help the family, 5K a walk/run has been set up for Jordan. I decided as a birthday present to myself I was going to sign up for Jordan's run & I did.
A few days before I signed up, I asked my friend Amy, who is a triathlete by the way, she just competed in the Ironman Lonestar, sent me this link for training called Couch to 5K .
I started it last Monday. It's very easy to follow. I feel confident I will be able to work the program & finish the run. My goal is to just to complete the run. I need to start somewhere. I figure after this run, I will choose a new goal. I was staggering in my exercise, I just couldn't get into it. My eating has been decent, I've noticed small body changes but I just couldn't get moving. This last week has been spent celebrating with food & I have to say, not the smartest decisions. My gut is still a wreck today.
I will post more information about the run as it gets closer. I'm going to have a fundraising site to help Jordan's family. I also have company to run with me. Elysia & Heather are going to do the run with me, we are a team & keep each other motivated. Yeah, it seems like a lot for a 5K but it will be my first ever. We are going to do some workouts together. If anyone else would like to join us in the Run for Jordan go here & sign up. I'm very excited to see my own progress. I can feel the benefits in my body, the areas running impacts. My abs are slightly sore & so is my bum. I'm conscious of my stride, I have to be. Because of the damage to my ankle, I have to be sure not to turn my right foot out or scuff it as I walk/jog. I focus very hard on maintaining a pace that I can work at but also I focus on my body & it's movement.
Stay tuned for my progess!!!!
Happily,
Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com
I've never really wanted to run. It just didn't seem like fun. But lately, I've been feeling very different about it & decided maybe it was time to try something new. So a couple of weeks ago while I was walking, I picked up the pace. I did a couple of small jogs within my walking. My lungs felt like they were going to explode. Of course, I realize this is going to take some work but I'm willing to put the time & effort in.
Last week, as my impending
A few days before I signed up, I asked my friend Amy, who is a triathlete by the way, she just competed in the Ironman Lonestar, sent me this link for training called Couch to 5K .
I started it last Monday. It's very easy to follow. I feel confident I will be able to work the program & finish the run. My goal is to just to complete the run. I need to start somewhere. I figure after this run, I will choose a new goal. I was staggering in my exercise, I just couldn't get into it. My eating has been decent, I've noticed small body changes but I just couldn't get moving. This last week has been spent celebrating with food & I have to say, not the smartest decisions. My gut is still a wreck today.
I will post more information about the run as it gets closer. I'm going to have a fundraising site to help Jordan's family. I also have company to run with me. Elysia & Heather are going to do the run with me, we are a team & keep each other motivated. Yeah, it seems like a lot for a 5K but it will be my first ever. We are going to do some workouts together. If anyone else would like to join us in the Run for Jordan go here & sign up. I'm very excited to see my own progress. I can feel the benefits in my body, the areas running impacts. My abs are slightly sore & so is my bum. I'm conscious of my stride, I have to be. Because of the damage to my ankle, I have to be sure not to turn my right foot out or scuff it as I walk/jog. I focus very hard on maintaining a pace that I can work at but also I focus on my body & it's movement.
Stay tuned for my progess!!!!
Happily,
Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Saying Goodbye To Some "Friends"
Tonight's post is a tougher one for me. One some people may identify with, one some may not. It will be very honest for me, but it's part of MY healing process.
I spent a lot of the recent years being an emotional eater. I cope with food. I think part of it is our society uses food for celebration, for grief, as a reason to get together, so many reasons. Well, food, certain foods in particular have been/are/were my "friends". I sought a lot of comfort in my "friends".
For a long time I used food to push down feelings. I kept these "friends" of mine a secret. I still do. I'm pretty sure anyone who knows me will be reading or hearing this for the first time.
I was in denial about a lot of things. My feelings mostly. I had moved to NJ for a relationsip that wasn't healthy. I had no one here. I didn't have real friends of my own, they were all borrowed. I thought I could fix everything. I couldn't. I was very afraid to admit failure. So instead of facing my fears or even realizing I was human & had flaws I ate. I created my own "friends". I ate potato chips. They are probably one of my best "friends" being one of my worst "friends" at the same time. One I have a hard time giving up. I used to hide bags in my car. If no one saw me shoveling chips into my mouth, then I didn't really eat them. The more control I lost in my life, feelings & emotions out of control, the harder I binged. My loss of control became so bad that when eating a meal, I needed things to be separate, not touching on my plate but even using additional bowls to keep things completely apart.
For years I did this. Eventually a new "friend" joined the party. That would be my "friend" chicken wings. Man, did the 3 of us have a good time. Well, so I thought. My being in denial was so bad for a good 9 - 10 years. I had a bad day so I'd have happy hour with chips followed by some wings. This was at least a weekly occurence for the wings, the chips almost every day. All of this was because I couldn't face anything.
I eventually started therapy & finally started talking about "things". I had gotten to a point where I couldn't stop crying. I ended up in psychotherapy every 2 weeks for 3.5 years. Then one day, I admitted that getting rid of chicken wings would be like saying goodbye to a friend and it was if a lightbulb was turned on. I spent a lot of time wrestling with the inner turmoil I have: Today was horrible, I need a chip. This was such a great week, let me celebrate with some wings. It's become a vicious cycle. I know the behaviors are bad, but yet I can't seem to let go. How can I let go of the "friends" who have always been there & never judged me or let me down? While there is comfort in good people & things in our lives, there is also comfort in the bad.
Change is very hard. Therapy was hard. I had to face a lot in order to become strong enough to create the change that was good for me. What a surprise to finally realize that the Earth didn't change it's rotation when I finally started to face my fears. Locusts didn't appear when I started expressing myself honestly. Who would have ever thought?
While I was spending time growing & learning I was also making little changes. I didn't get to my worst over night. I've slowly had to unravel the layers I had built up over time. Again, I know that my coping mechanisms were very poor, but yet I did not have control over them. There were days I would be in a panic if I didn't see my "friends". I've gone to the store gotten some chips & opened the bag in the car only to shovel them into my mouth on the ride home. Complete lack of control. I can tell you the pleasurable endorphins released were wonderful. Then, the disgust at myself would roll around. My cycle of emotionally coping with food.
As time has gone by, I've learned to have a talk with myself about whether I WANT something or not. It was pretty uncontrolable until recently. This past weekend I shed the last layer. Now, in knowing that this layer was going to be removed, I was planning my celebration, my secret celebration because that means it didn't really happen. Well, I got my goodies & was ready to go. Then I tried to have the orgy of binging. But I couldn't. I physically couldn't put anything in my mouth. I just didn't want it. I ended up throwing everything away. It was the first time in my life I have ever done that. I've thrown things away just so I wouldn't eat the entire item but never in my life have I ever not be able to eat something. I no longer needed my friends.
The one thing I didn't throw away was my potato chip "friends". I don't know why I didn't. Usually when I get home from work, we spend time together. The bag open on the counter, calling to me while I make dinner. Shoveling them in as if someone were trying to steal them away. I had no urge for them yesterday. Today, I had probably a handful but didn't feel any sense of panic, gotta have more, have them all RIGHT NOW!!!!
Tomorrow is technically a binge night for me. It's a night I'm alone & when I do my errands. Normally, I would already be planning my food feast. But this time I haven't. I've actually planned a healthy meal for myself, for when I get home. I'm not feeling the anxiety over hoping not to get caught. I supposed I've finally made the peace with myself. I think I've finally realized I am going to be ok.
I'm sure it's hard to understand why "I" do these things. Hell, sometimes I don't even understand. You could probably equate it to a drug addict or an alcoholic, needing their next fix or drink. I'm pretty sure this will always be a demon I face. Right now, in my life, I am completely in control, for the first time. What an empowering feeling that is for me. I don't feel the need to eat in secret any more. It's a little scary for people to know my secret. It's a little exciting for people to know that I no longer need to keep it as my secret. I know the right things to do, it's just hard to do them when you don't feel in full control of your life. I suppose it's why I'm feeling I can finally do all the right things that need to be done.
I finally feel as though as I can tell my "friends" that it will be nice to visit once in a while, to catch up now & again but I have some new REAL friends now, who have been there, but not in the forefront & they really deserve to have most of my time.
I thought writing this would be a bit emotional, but oddly it wasn't. I feel relief & joy. I feel no sadness like I thought I would. I feel pretty darn happy & not smiling is what is difficult.
Happily,
Elizabeth
I spent a lot of the recent years being an emotional eater. I cope with food. I think part of it is our society uses food for celebration, for grief, as a reason to get together, so many reasons. Well, food, certain foods in particular have been/are/were my "friends". I sought a lot of comfort in my "friends".
For a long time I used food to push down feelings. I kept these "friends" of mine a secret. I still do. I'm pretty sure anyone who knows me will be reading or hearing this for the first time.
I was in denial about a lot of things. My feelings mostly. I had moved to NJ for a relationsip that wasn't healthy. I had no one here. I didn't have real friends of my own, they were all borrowed. I thought I could fix everything. I couldn't. I was very afraid to admit failure. So instead of facing my fears or even realizing I was human & had flaws I ate. I created my own "friends". I ate potato chips. They are probably one of my best "friends" being one of my worst "friends" at the same time. One I have a hard time giving up. I used to hide bags in my car. If no one saw me shoveling chips into my mouth, then I didn't really eat them. The more control I lost in my life, feelings & emotions out of control, the harder I binged. My loss of control became so bad that when eating a meal, I needed things to be separate, not touching on my plate but even using additional bowls to keep things completely apart.
For years I did this. Eventually a new "friend" joined the party. That would be my "friend" chicken wings. Man, did the 3 of us have a good time. Well, so I thought. My being in denial was so bad for a good 9 - 10 years. I had a bad day so I'd have happy hour with chips followed by some wings. This was at least a weekly occurence for the wings, the chips almost every day. All of this was because I couldn't face anything.
I eventually started therapy & finally started talking about "things". I had gotten to a point where I couldn't stop crying. I ended up in psychotherapy every 2 weeks for 3.5 years. Then one day, I admitted that getting rid of chicken wings would be like saying goodbye to a friend and it was if a lightbulb was turned on. I spent a lot of time wrestling with the inner turmoil I have: Today was horrible, I need a chip. This was such a great week, let me celebrate with some wings. It's become a vicious cycle. I know the behaviors are bad, but yet I can't seem to let go. How can I let go of the "friends" who have always been there & never judged me or let me down? While there is comfort in good people & things in our lives, there is also comfort in the bad.
Change is very hard. Therapy was hard. I had to face a lot in order to become strong enough to create the change that was good for me. What a surprise to finally realize that the Earth didn't change it's rotation when I finally started to face my fears. Locusts didn't appear when I started expressing myself honestly. Who would have ever thought?
While I was spending time growing & learning I was also making little changes. I didn't get to my worst over night. I've slowly had to unravel the layers I had built up over time. Again, I know that my coping mechanisms were very poor, but yet I did not have control over them. There were days I would be in a panic if I didn't see my "friends". I've gone to the store gotten some chips & opened the bag in the car only to shovel them into my mouth on the ride home. Complete lack of control. I can tell you the pleasurable endorphins released were wonderful. Then, the disgust at myself would roll around. My cycle of emotionally coping with food.
As time has gone by, I've learned to have a talk with myself about whether I WANT something or not. It was pretty uncontrolable until recently. This past weekend I shed the last layer. Now, in knowing that this layer was going to be removed, I was planning my celebration, my secret celebration because that means it didn't really happen. Well, I got my goodies & was ready to go. Then I tried to have the orgy of binging. But I couldn't. I physically couldn't put anything in my mouth. I just didn't want it. I ended up throwing everything away. It was the first time in my life I have ever done that. I've thrown things away just so I wouldn't eat the entire item but never in my life have I ever not be able to eat something. I no longer needed my friends.
The one thing I didn't throw away was my potato chip "friends". I don't know why I didn't. Usually when I get home from work, we spend time together. The bag open on the counter, calling to me while I make dinner. Shoveling them in as if someone were trying to steal them away. I had no urge for them yesterday. Today, I had probably a handful but didn't feel any sense of panic, gotta have more, have them all RIGHT NOW!!!!
Tomorrow is technically a binge night for me. It's a night I'm alone & when I do my errands. Normally, I would already be planning my food feast. But this time I haven't. I've actually planned a healthy meal for myself, for when I get home. I'm not feeling the anxiety over hoping not to get caught. I supposed I've finally made the peace with myself. I think I've finally realized I am going to be ok.
I'm sure it's hard to understand why "I" do these things. Hell, sometimes I don't even understand. You could probably equate it to a drug addict or an alcoholic, needing their next fix or drink. I'm pretty sure this will always be a demon I face. Right now, in my life, I am completely in control, for the first time. What an empowering feeling that is for me. I don't feel the need to eat in secret any more. It's a little scary for people to know my secret. It's a little exciting for people to know that I no longer need to keep it as my secret. I know the right things to do, it's just hard to do them when you don't feel in full control of your life. I suppose it's why I'm feeling I can finally do all the right things that need to be done.
I finally feel as though as I can tell my "friends" that it will be nice to visit once in a while, to catch up now & again but I have some new REAL friends now, who have been there, but not in the forefront & they really deserve to have most of my time.
I thought writing this would be a bit emotional, but oddly it wasn't. I feel relief & joy. I feel no sadness like I thought I would. I feel pretty darn happy & not smiling is what is difficult.
Happily,
Elizabeth
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