I haven't written much lately.  A lot going on in my head.  So many thoughts.  I'm trying to sort my life out.  I've been thinking about what I want - in a career & in my relationships.

The last four months have been tough.  Probably the toughest with the last two weeks being an absolute nightmare.  I have more thinking to do.  I have to make some difficult decisions & it's become very obvious one has been made for me.

Apparently I've been dismissed by a friend.  I don't know why.  I wasn't quite sure, but something I saw today solidified it for me.  I'm sad.  In my thinking, I can only determine that maybe, from some misconstrued texts, the connotation was that I was being negative.  If it were an actual face to face conversation, it would have been far from that.  Writing this is actually making me cry.  It makes me cry because someone, who considered themselves to be one of my closest friends couldn't even find it in themselves to talk to me.  Granted, I'm not always the happiest person lately, but I have a lot of crap on my plate.  You would think a friend would understand that I might need some time, but talk to me about it.  Give me a little space, then talk to me.  I wonder if I did or said something that may have been offensive.  I don't know.

Before any suggestions are given about me making the effort, I extended an invite & got a dismissive response.  Then, when I thought about it, if someone, who is supposed to be one of my very good friends can just let our friendship go, without talking to me, do I want that person as a friend?  Were they ever a friend?  Was I just a friend when the moment was good for it?

On top of this wonderment, I have been worried about whether my unemployment would be extended, since it's been tough trying to find a job.  I found out last minute, it was, which offered me some relief, but I still constantly worry about money.  I've have to become very creative in adjusting my budget, my car is leaking transmission fluid, quite a bit of it & I'm constantly having to check it & add to it.  I'm trying to get to the middle of August, I think I can afford to get it looked at.

Adding to that, I've been doing some thinking about Jay & us.  We talked some, but there is more to be discussed.  Then, I have a major ordeal going on in my apartment building at the moment & I have to remove my animals for a day on 7/26.  This causes me a lot of stress.  I have no family here to take them.  My friend offered her house, but it's a drive & the boy (cat) didn't do well in the car last time, plus it's very hot this time of year.  On top on my transmission fluid leaking, I don't have air conditioning in my car, so I don't want to take him too far.  I found somewhere yesterday & that has provided some relief.  I still have a lot of stuff to before then, it's just a major ordeal.

Awesome

As I mentioned, I made a pact with my friend Leah. I have to apologize to her. I haven't been good at keeping the pact. I set myself up for failure.



She left me a comment: I don't know how you can run & do the cardio sculpt and all that crazy intense stuff you do - - You're like Wonder Woman!!!



I can't do all of that stuff. It was too much, way too much. I was left unable to form words & able to keep my eyes open. Really. Then I didn't want to do anything because I couldn't do it all. So I didn't do anything. I haven't done anything. What a moron I can be. I can't do everything, so I won't do anything. Who gets the Asshole Award this week?? I do!!!



Then I tweeted I was scared to try W3D1 of the C25K program, because I am. There will be 3 straight minutes of jogging twice within a 25 minute period. Add in 90 seconds of jogging as well. THAT I know I can do. But 3 minutes? No effing way!! My friend Amy, the triathlete, tweeted in response: Keep trying. Keep showing up. If it were easy everyone would do it. The hard part is what makes you stronger in many ways.



Of course I responded that I'm disappointed in myself. Amy told me to try to avoid disappointment, that I have a certain focus & that my energy is in run right now & I should own it. Well, I'm owning it.



At this moment in time I can't be successful at running & classes. I have to pick one thing & be good at that before moving on to something else. I've chosen the whole running thing for a couple of reasons. First, the classes are during the day which means if/when I get a job, I will have to stop taking them. Second, the running I can do anytime anywhere. Third, I've been trying this whole running thing longer than taking the classes, so I am going to stick with what I started first & get really good at it.



Twice this week, friends, childhood friends, Heather & Amy both told me I am awesome. They are pretty awesome themselves. Leah thinks I'm Wonder Woman. Maybe I should try seeing myself as others see me instead of seeing myself the way I typically do. I bet I might be more successful at running, eating right, being healthy. It's time to start formulating different thoughts in my head & believing them.



I'm lucky to have such smart, great, wonderful & awesome people in my life. I think things would a whole lot worse if I didn't.



Awesomely yours,



Elizabeth