Still....?????

I'm not sure how to title this one.  Still Struggling?  Still Trying??  You will understand what I mean in a bit.

My eating has been better.  Not much, but still better.  I'm actually getting fruits & vegetables in.  I ran this morning.  It's very humid but it was great to be out there, especially since I remembered to put bug spray on.  I dropped back down to the W3 podcast of the C25K program.  It's a bit easier for me to get back into the swing since I didn't do anything while I was sick.  I like the music for W3.  I don't mean that in the sense of "I need to download it & listen to it all the time" but the beat & the actual music makes it easier to run & keep a pace.  That's why I like it.  It makes me want to do it.  I love running outside, don't tell anyone I said that either.  I like the sun on my face.  I like seeing the birds flitting about.  I like the fresh air.  When I'm done running, I feel like I accomplished so much.  Even though it's only 30-ish minutes & it isn't total running.  I don't have the aches that I did when I first started running.  I'm not sore like I was.  My ankle feels great.  My lungs feel open.  My thoughts are clear & my mind seems to work it's thought processes in a more normal capacity, well more normal than how it is when I don't do any exercise, for weeks.  That in itself is a really good thing since I have been such a prisoner in my own mind the last few months.

I'm very stressed & worried over not being able to find a job.  It isn't that I don't look or send my resume in because I do.  I think the economy isn't great.  My unemployment isn't enough to survive on.  I struggle, I'm constantly budgeting, moving money, paying this, trying to have enough groceries or gas in my car to get through.  My next unemployment payment is only a half of a payment because it runs out.  I'm not 100% sure I will get another extension.  I'm hoping & praying.  I don't know what else to do.  I try not to think too far into the future because if I do, I cry.

Do I need to apologize to my friends if I'm not being a good friend or a positive person?  Should I expect my friends to be understanding if my mood isn't great?  I don't know what's right.  I've really been evaluating my friendships lately.  I probably worry about them more than I should.  More than I need to.  I have other things like my rent or finding a job to worry about.  Part of me would like to tell people: "Eff off if I seem negative & it's hard for you to be positive around me.  Some days it's just hard for me to pretend everything is ok and if I'm not pretending & letting it out, then deal with it.  If you don't like it, I don't care, maybe you're not being a good friend for understanding that not every day is a good day".  See, I spent a lot of years in my marriage pretending everything was ok.  It didn't work out in a lot of ways.  Now I feel like if I am having a moment & someone doesn't like it - well what the hell do I do?  Pretend so I don't have to hear about how people get tired of negativity?  So I'm back to where I was a few years ago, coping hard with food so I don't have to deal with what bothers me, so I can be that happy person everyone prefers.  That's where I've been in the last  2 months.  Honestly, no relationship, friendship or otherwise is worth me pretending.  So, if you catch me on a day that isn't a good day for me, I'm going to tell you now to deal with it.  I'm am going through one of the toughest times in my whole life at the moment and if you can't understand that I might not be happy every moment, that's not my problem.  That's yours.

This next part may get me into some trouble.  I'm hoping it doesn't.  Sometimes it's easier for me to put things on "paper", in black & white so to speak.  Things with Jay have been tense?  Different?  I'm not really sure of the right descriptive word.  I love him very much.  We've both said we need to talk, but we haven't.  I don't know why.  Maybe no time?  Partly I'm afraid to talk with him and I don't know why.  Sometimes I think we are both stubborn, I mean, I know I can be stubborn but we need to talk & listen to each other.  It's very unproductive to talk while being stubborn, again, I know about this.  How do you have a talk with someone without crying so hard you can't get the words out?  I think that's why I haven't initiated a conversation with Jay because emotionally I can't say what I need to without crying.  It's hard to hug him sometimes because I have to hold back tears when all I want to do sometimes is just cry in his arms.  I think about this a lot.  I wonder if he knows that it's ok for people to discuss their relationship and it doesn't mean that one person is right and one is wrong.  Sometimes there are misunderstandings & miscommunication that need to be cleared up.  And that isn't just with a love relationship, friendships have that too.  I think part of the not talking is because I got into the habit of never discussing my feelings.  So I let a lot of things compound.   This goes way back to before I ever moved to NJ.    I feel like now that I want to talk so much, I'm all "touchy, feel".  Poor Jay is the lucky guy that whenever I feel insecure or misunderstand or there is a miscommunication I actually want to talk about it.  But I'm flawed in the sense that I will hold in things (let them compound) partly because I still struggle with feeling comfortable to talk at times.  The other part is that I sit and think, re-think, think-think, double think, you name it think about stuff until one moment when I blurt "it" out.  "It" being what I feel insecure about, misunderstood, etc.  Then when I do say something Jay doesn't understand where the "crazy" talk comes from.  Couldn't be that I make myself crazy?  It's something I need to work on, I believe we all have room to improve learn & grow.  So of us more than others but this is one area I need to keep working at.  I really hope that he doesn't get mad at me for mentioning this here.  But this is my way of talking to him at this moment without crying & having time to make sure my thoughts are clear & understandable.  Hopefully it allows him to understand me better.  After this maybe everyone will understand me a little better.

For the first time in my life I don't have answers or solutions, with a lot of things for myself.  I'm feeling lost & scared.  The worse it becomes, the worse I become & then I become irrational.  My head gets filled with craziness, so may levels of craziness.  I know I've become withdrawn & detached, I'm not always the positive, happy girl I've been because it's hard for me.

I said I didn't know how to title today's blog.  It's very clear I am struggling with several things.  It's also clear that I am still trying.  I think what's important is that I get up out of bed every day & make an effort.  Some days it's more & better than others.  Some days it isn't.  Right now it's the best I can do.  Sorting my life & relationships and everything else out has become very difficult.  But everyday I try and that is enough for me.

Missing

I know I haven't written in a while.  I couldn't.  I didn't have anything to write.  I'm in such a funk, it's awful.

After getting strep, that turned into a middle ear infection.  I was so clogged.  I didn't exercise, I didn't watch what I ate, hell I'm still not exercising & watching what I'm eating.  Good news is after a second dose of antibiotics & a nose spray & some pills to help things drain, I can hear again & my ear is no longer clogged.

But things aren't good.  I'm not good.

Being unemployed is probably the worst thing to ever happen to me.  Because then I happen to me.  I'm inside my head constantly.  I think, rethink, over think, double think, triple think, you name it: all I do is think.  About stuff out of my control.  I worry too.  I worry & think......all the time.

My patience is low, for things, for people.  I don't talk about much of anything with anyone.  I don't want people's advice.  How can anyone give advice when they haven't been in my position?  So I keep everything to myself, in my head.  When I am upset, I'm afraid to talk about it.  So it all stays in my head.

I hate not having things in my control, but then again, is anything ever in my control or anyone's control for that matter?    Does worrying solve anything?  Does rethinking past "things" fix them?  You can't go back & change anything.  So why do I do it?  Why can't I just stop it?

I had a friend who always said "fake it until you make it".  Does anyone know when I "fake" happiness? A smile? That things are ok? That the right "thing" will come along? That it will all work out as it's supposed to?

I have 2 major worries at the moment.  My unemployment is scheduled to run out on 7/31/11.  I don't know if I will be getting another extension.  I send out my resume, I get no response, not even a "thank you but no thank you".  I have less than 60 days to find some kind of solution.   I really am hoping to find a job.  That would probably be the best thing to happen.  Then I'd do less thinking & worrying, but I'm not sure that's going to happen when I've been looking for a job for the last 10 months and haven't had a response to anything in the last 4 months.  I've run out of options and I don't know what to do.

My other worry is a little more personal & it's isn't something I'm quite ready to discuss publicly at the moment.  Because it doesn't just involve me.

I'm trying now to get motivated to get up & run tomorrow.  I haven't run since I got sick.  I know I will have to drop back down to a less running week in the C25K program.  Running might help me feel better but it's really hard to get up out of bed to go.  I don't want to get out of bed a lot of days.  Why would I want to?  I can't guarantee I will get up & out to run.  I'm going to try.

I can pretend to be hopeful & hope THIS is the week something good happens.  THIS is the week I have answers & clarification & find a job & everything works out, like it does in those made for TV movies.  Wouldn't it be grand if life were that simple?