Sunday, January 8, 2012

Oh My Belly....

The smoothie idea this week went really well.  I actually feel like I have a bit more energy.  Probably from the vitamins & stuff.  I have been adding Mila into them.  If you need a refresher on Mila, read this.  All the fiber I have been consuming, even in liquid form & my belly is one hot mess.  I think that means I need to drink more water.  I do drink it all day long, but I guess it isn't enough.

I went to the store today to get some more smoothie supplies & a couple other ingredients for a little recipe I found on Pinterest.  Are you familiar with Pinterest?  It's my new addiction.  I love it.  You can find all sorts of things on there.  I happened to find some delicious recipes, healthy & unhealthy alike.  If you'd like to follow me on Pinterest, you can get me here.

Have I ever mentioned my love for Quinoa?  I just adore it.  I'm going to say that it will be an acquired taste for some.  I happen to like it a lot.  I also happen to have posted one, if not two quinoa recipes.  If you need a refresher or would like to know what quinoa is read this.  I haven't tried any sweet quinoa recipes, only savory.  Today, on Pinterest I ran across this recipe for Cheesy Quinoa Bites.

I was intrigued.  I had mostly everything & the ingredients I needed were but mere pennies!!!  Go me!  I didn't want to spare the expense of buying Parmesan cheese, plus I didn't want too much salt.  So I got Cabot Extra SuperDeeDuper Sharp white cheddar cheese.  I'm sure that isn't the exact name, but it is Cabot brand. I substituted that instead.  So I whipped me up a batch & yes, I do have a mini muffin pan!!!  I made sure to have a tester bite when they came out of the oven.  They needed salt.  Go figure.  I also tried them with a dash of fat free ranch dressing & a dash of hot sauce.  The hot sauce was perfect & saves some calories too. So I packed some up with some liberal dashes of hot sauce.  Score 2 points for me!!

I'm still looking for part time work.  I'm very stressed over it.  At least I attempting to make better food choices, right?  That's a good thing  :)

Hopefully you will check me out on Pinterest & maybe you will try the recipe I suggested or something else I've posted!


e -

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Struggles With a Pleasant Disposition

It's been a while since I last wrote.  I've been busy.  WORK keeps me busy!!  I love my job.  I love the people I work with.  I get thanked every day, not just by my bosses, but by my other soldiers.  Yes, they are my soldiers.  I am so privileged and honored to work with people who have chosen to be American Soldiers.  They are so amazing to work with.  Being there has helped my self esteem & self worth so much.  It is so nice to feel validated & appreciated.  Plus, the uniforms don't hurt!!! ;)

But I still struggle.  My job is awesome & I make an awesome hourly wage, but I only work 30 hours a week.  I work for USAREC and their solution to layoffs was to make the work week 30 hours.  So I am thankful for a position.  I also get benefits.  Awesome benefits.  My medical is fully covered & for a small amount out of pocket I get dental & vision as well.  I have been completely without benefits for over 16 months.  That's just sick.

I have been looking for part time work, it's not easy.  Not a lot of places are hiring, but I still don't make enough to survive.  Bonne (my car) needs work: her power steering leaks, she needs an alignment & some tires.  My rent is going up in March.  I couldn't pay my rent in full this month so I had to break it up, which means $100 late fee & convincing my management office not to file court papers to start the eviction process.  I explained that I'm working on a solution.  Moving isn't an option.  I don't have a security deposit, finding a cheaper place further from work really won't be cheaper when I add in the additional gas use & maintenance of my car in.  My student loan will pick up again at the end of February.  I thought maybe I was at rock bottom, but I guess not.

I keep wondering what else will be happening.  My heart races constantly & I've taken an OTC sleep aid every night to help me sleep & stay asleep since May.  I told my mom I can't stress or worry, but it's hard not to.  I will figure out a solution while doing my best to maintain my awesomely pleasant disposition.  Some days it's hard, but mostly it isn't.  Working helps me a lot.

Anyway, with my budget being so tight, I still can't eat as healthy as I'd like to.  Yes, I still food cope.  That is something I will always struggle with, but good news (maybe?) is I can't afford to do it as much or as often as I'd like - hahahahaha!!!  I've decided that I am going to do my best to eat lots of fruits & vegetables during the day, while at work.  Working with Soldiers kind of gives me a complex, they are all so fit, they have to be.   Anyway, I've recently discovered the deliciousness of homemade smoothies!!!  I've started making them this week.  I have them for breakfast & healthy lunch options.  Yesterday was steel cut oats with strawberries & bananas.  Today was a "big salad"  Hopefully you get the "big salad" reference!!!

So I'm eating pretty healthy during the day & while dinners haven't been quite as healthy, they aren't as bad.  I think I will be making a bit pot of lentil soup over the weekend to help get me through.  I've cut out caffeine & doing my best to cut down on sugar, fake sugar & processed foods.  I figure, for now, if dinner is the only meal where that "stuff" gets in, it's much better than an all day thing, right?

If you have smoothie recipes, please share them with me, you can email them to me.  I would appreciate it.

I'm thinking once I get a handle on things, I might sign up for my Commander's PT plan, but I'm a little scared to do that.  He is in amazing shape.  He's a big guy at 6'2" and complains of always being cold.  I've seen him in his tank top & I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any body fat, which is probably why he is so cold!!!  HAHAHA!!!  Maybe one day I will be in enough shape to join the group!!

Anyway, that's the haps going on here.  All in all, it's pretty darn good.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Thinking About Waste

I've been doing some thinking, which I will get to.  But first, something good to share.  Working has been agreeing with me, in a lot of ways.  I've lost 4 pounds since I started.  My day time food choices are better, my night time progress isn't always good, but better days have been happening.  I think the structure helps me a lot.  I'm really a structure type person.  I have always known this.  If you saw my morning routine, I don't really stray from the order in which things get done.  Anyway.....

I've been thinking about something and I haven't found answers/solutions.  It's not really anything bad, well, it depends on how you view what I'm about to tell you.

Since being on unemployment, I really have been thinking about the cost of food (that is continually rising) and being wasteful.  Not using up all the: vegetables, fruit, meat, whatever & it spoiling, is wasteful.  Is there a way that this can be helped/fixed/solved especially on a VERY fixed budget?

As children, we are taught to clean our plates.  I can't help but think that if I don't eat every single scrap of food on my plate I'm being wasteful.  Is this "my" issue or does anyone else think like this?  I know I need to cut back.  Does this mean I make less food & if I'm still hungry I snack on fruit or vegetables or chips & dip? Or do I just get used to the idea of leaving food behind?  I wonder if making less, then hunting for something to fill me up might be a set up to over eat, especially if I were to choose chips & dip.  Don't judge, I love certain foods, that I don't know if I will ever be able to give up & stay away from.  For me not having leads to binge eating, which I think is much worse than allowing myself the things I love.

Also, with the cost of foods, I really can't afford a lot of meat or meat at all.  I maybe have meat a few times a week instead of almost every day.  I found a delicious Zucchini Quinoa Lasagna that was amazing!! The recipe was vegan, but I made it vegetarian.  I didn't want to buy Tofutti or vegan cheddar cheese.  I am on a budget.  I used low fat cream cheese & Romano cheese for the top.  The quinoa filling was amazing!!!!  I'm modifying the recipe for myself tonight.  I'm going to make the quinoa filling but instead of zucchini I'm going to put it over spaghetti squash.  I've found that with my budget, I'm finding alternatives (instead of macaroni & sauce every night).  I need to find protein alternatives, which quinoa helps with.  I know those legumes help, I plan on making a big pot of lentil soup this week.  I have tofu for some Tofu Tacos as well.  All of these things get me several meals.

But I worry about spending money & being wasteful.  I don't have a lot of freezer room, because my pet's food takes up a good portion of freezer space.  This is my new worry.  I'm open to any and all suggestions and tips about not worrying about wasting food/money.  I write this knowing I have to go through out some lunch meat that I didn't eat all of fast enough.  It's so frustrating to me.

Thank you!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Getting there....

Today is October 2nd.  I have been working for 3 weeks & they have been the most awesome 3 weeks in a very long time.

I'm starting to feel really good, in a lot of ways.  My spirits have been so high.  Unbelievably high.  Almost annoyingly high.  But I don't care.  The last year was awful, I felt awful, I apparently made some people feel awful.  It wasn't intentional.

It's odd how your self esteem & self worth take a terrible blow when there is a major change in your life.  Even when you have a job, whether you're happy or not, how in some ways, you are validated.  Add to sending out resumes, not hearing back, getting an interview, not trying to sound desperate (in your cover letters & in your interviews), trying hard not to beg for the chance.  Such awful feelings & it was so hard to be happy.  Even pretending was hard.  Hearing from friends that it will get better, doesn't help.

I feel like the last year was a dream, with how good I feel now.  It's amazing!  It seems everything else is starting to fall back into place.  My eating has been better, since I have more structure in my life again.  On Friday, I was so happy at work, I wanted to run.  So I treated myself to new running sneakers yesterday.  I'm finally feeling happy enough to get back in the swing of exercising.

I'm feeling like I'm getting back to my old self again.  Getting a job has made me feel great.  I work with some great people.  It's such a good feeling.  It will all fall in to place, I can feel it!!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Ray of Sunshine

Well, things were pretty bad the last time I wrote.  I know it's hard to understand how someone is feeling unless you are in their shoes at the same exact moment in time.  When you're worried about everything, not hearing back about jobs, relationships are strained, it's so hard to see things in a positive light sometimes.  It's really hard.  It's hard to be happy/pleasant/excited/anything positive.  When you cry a lot of the time, how do you do that?

Well, last week, at the advice of a friend, I stepped out of my comfort zone & applied for a lot of different jobs. Wednesday night I applied for one, at a local Army Arsenal - a dream place to work for a lot of reasons for me.  But then again, any job I was applying to was my dream job!  The next day, while I was volunteering, a recruiter, for the Army job called me!  So I called her right back when I got home.  She felt I was an extremely excellent candidate for the position & asked me if I'd like to temp & that while I was temping, they would interview me for the permanent position!!!  How awesome!!  Of course I said yes!!!  So I have been working this week & it's been great!!  Such an improvement to my being & self worth!!  I just needed something.

Now, Monday, the most exciting day for me, there was a HUGE spot of some nasty ugliness.  Bad.  Very bad.  I'm not going to share it on this forum.  It was worked through & dealt with & things are moving forward.  After that, everything has been great.  My mood has been great. Funny thing.....

I've actually been eating better.  It's just sort of happening.  Probably because I have more structure to my day.  Probably because I'm feeling better about myself in general.  I even seem to have more energy.  It's not perfect, but a huge improvement.  Also, being in an office where weight & body fat is discussed a lot & I see paperwork with the words "Weight Reduction Program" on it is giving me a slight complex.  So maybe this is all a good thing.

Things are looking brighter.  I'm hopeful.  Keep your fingers crossed I get the position permanently.  Honestly, I don't know how the Army has lasted so long without me!

On a side note/reminder:  Next Friday is the Zumbathon near me.  So far it's just me & one other person.  Here is my post where mentioned it.  The deal, with snacks is still included.  Please let me know if you're interested!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011


"Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy".  I posted that quote on Facebook last night from Twitter.  It's 100% true.  But the thing is, it's a lot harder to be happy, honestly.  I have perfected the art of "being happy" because no one cares if you're miserable.

Recently, it's occurred to me that emotionally I've gone back to a dark place.  I've gone back to exactly 3 years ago, to where I was just before I ended my marriage.  I pretend I'm happy when I am in the company of people, which isn't often, so pretty much I'm sad a lot of the time.  It takes great effort for me to get out of bed, to shower, to be moderately productive.  I think if I had a job, I don't think I would feel like this, well, I think it would help.

I was thinking back to one of the last fights I had with my ex, which was right around this time.  It occurred on 8/23.  His cousin was getting married & I had to go down early & do some makeup.  I don't remember what started the fight.  He told me I had changed.  He implied I had changed into a bitch.  Then he accused me of cheating on him & then he accused me of being a lesbian, because there had been nothing between us in a few years.  I don't know where any of it came from.  I was very upset, it was awful.  I told him he didn't need to take me down there, I would take my own care & he provoked me, accusing me again of cheating.  I told him I wanted to me with my lesbian lover before hand, I needed the pick me up.  Maybe that was bitchy.  I pulled myself together & got ready.  He ended up taking me down there, we drove in silence.  When I got there, I had to pretend I was happy & fine.  His cousin was getting married.  When I did her makeup, I told her what had happened.  No one else knew.  His family didn't know, I was busy being happy in front of them.  Later, when he picked me up to go to the wedding, it was as if we didn't have that fight.  See, his mother's philosophy on things was you yell, scream, get it out, then it's over & done with.  I'm sorry, but I don't believe in that.  I'm not for yelling & screaming fighting.  I'm not for bold face lies & accusations.  I believe with any relationship, it's not always going to be perfect, but sometimes things need to be discussed.  That doesn't mean the relationship is bad.  Anyway, there is a point to my story.

It's occurring to me that I fake it a lot.  Because people don't like miserable or unhappy people.  So my dilemma is I pretend, never even acknowledging, that I might be slightly unhappy.  I don't question anything, I just hold everything in.  When I do need to talk, I try to be an adult about it, the talking, but it doesn't happen often, the talking.  Because I hold it all in.  Sometimes we have to hear things we don't like, especially if it comes from within. It hurts no matter who says it.

So I am back to where I was 3 years ago.  Holding everything in.  I don't know if that will ever change about me.  I haven't written a lot, because I've been having such terrible internal struggles with myself.  I don't know how or what will fix me.  It's terrible.  I feel terrible and I know it's affecting other areas of my life.  It's affecting my self worth.  I haven't even published this post & I feel like "what's the point, it doesn't matter".  I think a lot might have to do with not seeing Seth.  That was my outlet, I let everything out there.  I've been wondering if I had a journal, just to write in at the moments where I would hold something in, I let it out, not to someone, but to my journal.  I don't know if it would work, since there may not be any resolution.

I don't know what to do.  I wish someone would tell me what to do.  I wish someone would fix EVERYTHING for me.  But that isn't reality.  Reality is I am struggling, I am down & it's all bottled up inside me.  Reality is this isn't going to be better over night.  I suppose I'm going to have to force myself to do things, to help myself get to a better place.  I'm sure exercise would help some, but it's so hard for me to find motivation.  I'm just in a rough spot & having trouble getting out.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

A Big Fat Sigh

I haven't been writing a lot.  Lots of stuff in my mind & going on.  Serious poor eating choices being made here folks.

Let me just give you a little recap/idea: questioning several relationships/trying to figure them out, not being able to find a job, worry over my unemployment running out, money being tight, my car leaking transmission fluid & getting worse, bed bugs (you can read about that here & here) & most recently slicing my finger open really bad & having to go to the emergency room for 5 stitches & not having health insurance.  This is what's been happening in the last 2 months.  It's a lot.  Is this my rock bottom?  Can it get worse?  I sure hope not because I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

Anyway, I'm not going to complain, at least not is this blog installment (wink wink).  I ran last Sunday, it was hard.  I did W3D1 of the C25K.  It was sooooo hard.  I wanted to quit halfway through.  But I didn't.  I finished it out and I was glad I did.  That night is when I cut my finger.  I've given it a few days to get "better" & I made a date with my friend to run today.  I'm glad I did.  It was hot & humid, but I felt good after.  I posted a status on Facebook that I wished it were possible to bottle that feeling up.  It's so easy, well for me, to allow external circumstances to derail me.  It's so easy for me to seek comfort out of food.  I don't know when or why this ever started for me.  I don't know if I will ever figure that out.  Maybe I should really focus on using exercise as a way to cope.  Transference.  I can at least make an effort towards that, right?  I can't guarantee that I will be successful every time, but I can certainly try.

The actual reason for this blog is about Zumba.  As you all know, I am a volunteer at the YMCA.  I love the Y & the people I have met & gotten to know.  Well, last Friday I got a call to volunteer at a Zumbathon.  It didn't do it, but I watched.  It was about 90 minutes of Zumba with several different instructors.  They do take breaks.  On the table they had a flyer for the next Zumbathon.

The next Zumbathon is on 9/23 from 6:30pm to 9:30pm at the Hardyston Middle School around the corner from me.  This Zumbathon is to benefit a child at the Y.  No child in particular, it's just to benefit children.  The minimum for this is a $15.00 donation (all donations are tax deductible).  They offer other sponsor opportunities: 8 weeks of swim lessons for $80, 8 weeks of camp for $90, Blue Mountain Day Camp (3 weeks) for $885, YMCA Youth annual membership for $234, YMCA Teen annual membership for $338 or any other donation you would like to give.  Any amount will help helpful.

I plan to do this.  I'm inviting anyone who would like to join me.  It's for a good cause and if you haven't had a chance to try Zumba, you can for as low as $15.00.  I think it's going to be a lot of fun.  You have to pre-register so if you're interested, get in touch with me & I will give you the information.  We can meet here, at my apartment & I will be offering a pre-Zumba snack for energy!!!!  I hope I can get a few interested people to go with me.  I know a couple of the Zumba instructors (that's how I roll hahaha) and it's going to be a lot of fun.  It's something I actually am looking forward to.

I've planned a Monday morning run with my friend.  I'm thinking of going to the Y tomorrow for a little cross trainer action.  Nothing to strenuous since I've really slacked off in my exercise but some movement is better than no movement, right?

I'm hoping for some Zumba partners!!!!  I look forward to hearing from you!!!!