"Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy". I posted that quote on Facebook last night from Twitter. It's 100% true. But the thing is, it's a lot harder to be happy, honestly. I have perfected the art of "being happy" because no one cares if you're miserable.
Recently, it's occurred to me that emotionally I've gone back to a dark place. I've gone back to exactly 3 years ago, to where I was just before I ended my marriage. I pretend I'm happy when I am in the company of people, which isn't often, so pretty much I'm sad a lot of the time. It takes great effort for me to get out of bed, to shower, to be moderately productive. I think if I had a job, I don't think I would feel like this, well, I think it would help.
I was thinking back to one of the last fights I had with my ex, which was right around this time. It occurred on 8/23. His cousin was getting married & I had to go down early & do some makeup. I don't remember what started the fight. He told me I had changed. He implied I had changed into a bitch. Then he accused me of cheating on him & then he accused me of being a lesbian, because there had been nothing between us in a few years. I don't know where any of it came from. I was very upset, it was awful. I told him he didn't need to take me down there, I would take my own care & he provoked me, accusing me again of cheating. I told him I wanted to me with my lesbian lover before hand, I needed the pick me up. Maybe that was bitchy. I pulled myself together & got ready. He ended up taking me down there, we drove in silence. When I got there, I had to pretend I was happy & fine. His cousin was getting married. When I did her makeup, I told her what had happened. No one else knew. His family didn't know, I was busy being happy in front of them. Later, when he picked me up to go to the wedding, it was as if we didn't have that fight. See, his mother's philosophy on things was you yell, scream, get it out, then it's over & done with. I'm sorry, but I don't believe in that. I'm not for yelling & screaming fighting. I'm not for bold face lies & accusations. I believe with any relationship, it's not always going to be perfect, but sometimes things need to be discussed. That doesn't mean the relationship is bad. Anyway, there is a point to my story.
It's occurring to me that I fake it a lot. Because people don't like miserable or unhappy people. So my dilemma is I pretend, never even acknowledging, that I might be slightly unhappy. I don't question anything, I just hold everything in. When I do need to talk, I try to be an adult about it, the talking, but it doesn't happen often, the talking. Because I hold it all in. Sometimes we have to hear things we don't like, especially if it comes from within. It hurts no matter who says it.
So I am back to where I was 3 years ago. Holding everything in. I don't know if that will ever change about me. I haven't written a lot, because I've been having such terrible internal struggles with myself. I don't know how or what will fix me. It's terrible. I feel terrible and I know it's affecting other areas of my life. It's affecting my self worth. I haven't even published this post & I feel like "what's the point, it doesn't matter". I think a lot might have to do with not seeing Seth. That was my outlet, I let everything out there. I've been wondering if I had a journal, just to write in at the moments where I would hold something in, I let it out, not to someone, but to my journal. I don't know if it would work, since there may not be any resolution.
I don't know what to do. I wish someone would tell me what to do. I wish someone would fix EVERYTHING for me. But that isn't reality. Reality is I am struggling, I am down & it's all bottled up inside me. Reality is this isn't going to be better over night. I suppose I'm going to have to force myself to do things, to help myself get to a better place. I'm sure exercise would help some, but it's so hard for me to find motivation. I'm just in a rough spot & having trouble getting out.
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Elizabeth, this breaks my heart! I know what you mean about faking it, and I'm sorry it isn't getting better. You seem to take great joy in creating things. Maybe you can create a little, exercise a little, treat yourself a little (bubble bath? long walk with your sweet dog?) every day? Schedule it, as if it's a meeting and you have to do it. (If I don't put it on my schedule, it doesn't get done -- even laundry!) Maybe start that journal, but before you vent, write down one thing you appreciated about the day, and then after you vent, write down one thing you like about life? I dunno -- I wish I could just give you a hug! And put on "Single Ladies" so you can watch my girls crazy dance to it -- that never fails to make me laugh. I can ride that happy-high for hours.
ReplyDeleteI'm not the fight and forget it type either. My husband is, and it really does cause a lot of animosity at times. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I hope writing about it helps. :)
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