Missing

I know I haven't written in a while.  I couldn't.  I didn't have anything to write.  I'm in such a funk, it's awful.

After getting strep, that turned into a middle ear infection.  I was so clogged.  I didn't exercise, I didn't watch what I ate, hell I'm still not exercising & watching what I'm eating.  Good news is after a second dose of antibiotics & a nose spray & some pills to help things drain, I can hear again & my ear is no longer clogged.

But things aren't good.  I'm not good.

Being unemployed is probably the worst thing to ever happen to me.  Because then I happen to me.  I'm inside my head constantly.  I think, rethink, over think, double think, triple think, you name it: all I do is think.  About stuff out of my control.  I worry too.  I worry & think......all the time.

My patience is low, for things, for people.  I don't talk about much of anything with anyone.  I don't want people's advice.  How can anyone give advice when they haven't been in my position?  So I keep everything to myself, in my head.  When I am upset, I'm afraid to talk about it.  So it all stays in my head.

I hate not having things in my control, but then again, is anything ever in my control or anyone's control for that matter?    Does worrying solve anything?  Does rethinking past "things" fix them?  You can't go back & change anything.  So why do I do it?  Why can't I just stop it?

I had a friend who always said "fake it until you make it".  Does anyone know when I "fake" happiness? A smile? That things are ok? That the right "thing" will come along? That it will all work out as it's supposed to?

I have 2 major worries at the moment.  My unemployment is scheduled to run out on 7/31/11.  I don't know if I will be getting another extension.  I send out my resume, I get no response, not even a "thank you but no thank you".  I have less than 60 days to find some kind of solution.   I really am hoping to find a job.  That would probably be the best thing to happen.  Then I'd do less thinking & worrying, but I'm not sure that's going to happen when I've been looking for a job for the last 10 months and haven't had a response to anything in the last 4 months.  I've run out of options and I don't know what to do.

My other worry is a little more personal & it's isn't something I'm quite ready to discuss publicly at the moment.  Because it doesn't just involve me.

I'm trying now to get motivated to get up & run tomorrow.  I haven't run since I got sick.  I know I will have to drop back down to a less running week in the C25K program.  Running might help me feel better but it's really hard to get up out of bed to go.  I don't want to get out of bed a lot of days.  Why would I want to?  I can't guarantee I will get up & out to run.  I'm going to try.

I can pretend to be hopeful & hope THIS is the week something good happens.  THIS is the week I have answers & clarification & find a job & everything works out, like it does in those made for TV movies.  Wouldn't it be grand if life were that simple?


Maybe I will pretend.  It's a lot better than being sad & crying.  Right?