I haven't written much lately.  A lot going on in my head.  So many thoughts.  I'm trying to sort my life out.  I've been thinking about what I want - in a career & in my relationships.

The last four months have been tough.  Probably the toughest with the last two weeks being an absolute nightmare.  I have more thinking to do.  I have to make some difficult decisions & it's become very obvious one has been made for me.

Apparently I've been dismissed by a friend.  I don't know why.  I wasn't quite sure, but something I saw today solidified it for me.  I'm sad.  In my thinking, I can only determine that maybe, from some misconstrued texts, the connotation was that I was being negative.  If it were an actual face to face conversation, it would have been far from that.  Writing this is actually making me cry.  It makes me cry because someone, who considered themselves to be one of my closest friends couldn't even find it in themselves to talk to me.  Granted, I'm not always the happiest person lately, but I have a lot of crap on my plate.  You would think a friend would understand that I might need some time, but talk to me about it.  Give me a little space, then talk to me.  I wonder if I did or said something that may have been offensive.  I don't know.

Before any suggestions are given about me making the effort, I extended an invite & got a dismissive response.  Then, when I thought about it, if someone, who is supposed to be one of my very good friends can just let our friendship go, without talking to me, do I want that person as a friend?  Were they ever a friend?  Was I just a friend when the moment was good for it?

On top of this wonderment, I have been worried about whether my unemployment would be extended, since it's been tough trying to find a job.  I found out last minute, it was, which offered me some relief, but I still constantly worry about money.  I've have to become very creative in adjusting my budget, my car is leaking transmission fluid, quite a bit of it & I'm constantly having to check it & add to it.  I'm trying to get to the middle of August, I think I can afford to get it looked at.

Adding to that, I've been doing some thinking about Jay & us.  We talked some, but there is more to be discussed.  Then, I have a major ordeal going on in my apartment building at the moment & I have to remove my animals for a day on 7/26.  This causes me a lot of stress.  I have no family here to take them.  My friend offered her house, but it's a drive & the boy (cat) didn't do well in the car last time, plus it's very hot this time of year.  On top on my transmission fluid leaking, I don't have air conditioning in my car, so I don't want to take him too far.  I found somewhere yesterday & that has provided some relief.  I still have a lot of stuff to before then, it's just a major ordeal.


I'm not exactly sure of my emotional state.  I don't know what to say my mood is.  I'm still crying a lot, especially the last few weeks.  Maybe I'm close to rock bottom & soon things will be taking a turn & going up.  I can only hope, right?