Fake

"Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy".  I posted that quote on Facebook last night from Twitter.  It's 100% true.  But the thing is, it's a lot harder to be happy, honestly.  I have perfected the art of "being happy" because no one cares if you're miserable.

Recently, it's occurred to me that emotionally I've gone back to a dark place.  I've gone back to exactly 3 years ago, to where I was just before I ended my marriage.  I pretend I'm happy when I am in the company of people, which isn't often, so pretty much I'm sad a lot of the time.  It takes great effort for me to get out of bed, to shower, to be moderately productive.  I think if I had a job, I don't think I would feel like this, well, I think it would help.

I was thinking back to one of the last fights I had with my ex, which was right around this time.  It occurred on 8/23.  His cousin was getting married & I had to go down early & do some makeup.  I don't remember what started the fight.  He told me I had changed.  He implied I had changed into a bitch.  Then he accused me of cheating on him & then he accused me of being a lesbian, because there had been nothing between us in a few years.  I don't know where any of it came from.  I was very upset, it was awful.  I told him he didn't need to take me down there, I would take my own care & he provoked me, accusing me again of cheating.  I told him I wanted to me with my lesbian lover before hand, I needed the pick me up.  Maybe that was bitchy.  I pulled myself together & got ready.  He ended up taking me down there, we drove in silence.  When I got there, I had to pretend I was happy & fine.  His cousin was getting married.  When I did her makeup, I told her what had happened.  No one else knew.  His family didn't know, I was busy being happy in front of them.  Later, when he picked me up to go to the wedding, it was as if we didn't have that fight.  See, his mother's philosophy on things was you yell, scream, get it out, then it's over & done with.  I'm sorry, but I don't believe in that.  I'm not for yelling & screaming fighting.  I'm not for bold face lies & accusations.  I believe with any relationship, it's not always going to be perfect, but sometimes things need to be discussed.  That doesn't mean the relationship is bad.  Anyway, there is a point to my story.

It's occurring to me that I fake it a lot.  Because people don't like miserable or unhappy people.  So my dilemma is I pretend, never even acknowledging, that I might be slightly unhappy.  I don't question anything, I just hold everything in.  When I do need to talk, I try to be an adult about it, the talking, but it doesn't happen often, the talking.  Because I hold it all in.  Sometimes we have to hear things we don't like, especially if it comes from within. It hurts no matter who says it.

So I am back to where I was 3 years ago.  Holding everything in.  I don't know if that will ever change about me.  I haven't written a lot, because I've been having such terrible internal struggles with myself.  I don't know how or what will fix me.  It's terrible.  I feel terrible and I know it's affecting other areas of my life.  It's affecting my self worth.  I haven't even published this post & I feel like "what's the point, it doesn't matter".  I think a lot might have to do with not seeing Seth.  That was my outlet, I let everything out there.  I've been wondering if I had a journal, just to write in at the moments where I would hold something in, I let it out, not to someone, but to my journal.  I don't know if it would work, since there may not be any resolution.

I don't know what to do.  I wish someone would tell me what to do.  I wish someone would fix EVERYTHING for me.  But that isn't reality.  Reality is I am struggling, I am down & it's all bottled up inside me.  Reality is this isn't going to be better over night.  I suppose I'm going to have to force myself to do things, to help myself get to a better place.  I'm sure exercise would help some, but it's so hard for me to find motivation.  I'm just in a rough spot & having trouble getting out.

A Big Fat Sigh

I haven't been writing a lot.  Lots of stuff in my mind & going on.  Serious poor eating choices being made here folks.

Let me just give you a little recap/idea: questioning several relationships/trying to figure them out, not being able to find a job, worry over my unemployment running out, money being tight, my car leaking transmission fluid & getting worse, bed bugs (you can read about that here & here) & most recently slicing my finger open really bad & having to go to the emergency room for 5 stitches & not having health insurance.  This is what's been happening in the last 2 months.  It's a lot.  Is this my rock bottom?  Can it get worse?  I sure hope not because I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

Anyway, I'm not going to complain, at least not is this blog installment (wink wink).  I ran last Sunday, it was hard.  I did W3D1 of the C25K.  It was sooooo hard.  I wanted to quit halfway through.  But I didn't.  I finished it out and I was glad I did.  That night is when I cut my finger.  I've given it a few days to get "better" & I made a date with my friend to run today.  I'm glad I did.  It was hot & humid, but I felt good after.  I posted a status on Facebook that I wished it were possible to bottle that feeling up.  It's so easy, well for me, to allow external circumstances to derail me.  It's so easy for me to seek comfort out of food.  I don't know when or why this ever started for me.  I don't know if I will ever figure that out.  Maybe I should really focus on using exercise as a way to cope.  Transference.  I can at least make an effort towards that, right?  I can't guarantee that I will be successful every time, but I can certainly try.

The actual reason for this blog is about Zumba.  As you all know, I am a volunteer at the YMCA.  I love the Y & the people I have met & gotten to know.  Well, last Friday I got a call to volunteer at a Zumbathon.  It didn't do it, but I watched.  It was about 90 minutes of Zumba with several different instructors.  They do take breaks.  On the table they had a flyer for the next Zumbathon.

The next Zumbathon is on 9/23 from 6:30pm to 9:30pm at the Hardyston Middle School around the corner from me.  This Zumbathon is to benefit a child at the Y.  No child in particular, it's just to benefit children.  The minimum for this is a $15.00 donation (all donations are tax deductible).  They offer other sponsor opportunities: 8 weeks of swim lessons for $80, 8 weeks of camp for $90, Blue Mountain Day Camp (3 weeks) for $885, YMCA Youth annual membership for $234, YMCA Teen annual membership for $338 or any other donation you would like to give.  Any amount will help helpful.

I plan to do this.  I'm inviting anyone who would like to join me.  It's for a good cause and if you haven't had a chance to try Zumba, you can for as low as $15.00.  I think it's going to be a lot of fun.  You have to pre-register so if you're interested, get in touch with me & I will give you the information.  We can meet here, at my apartment & I will be offering a pre-Zumba snack for energy!!!!  I hope I can get a few interested people to go with me.  I know a couple of the Zumba instructors (that's how I roll hahaha) and it's going to be a lot of fun.  It's something I actually am looking forward to.

I've planned a Monday morning run with my friend.  I'm thinking of going to the Y tomorrow for a little cross trainer action.  Nothing to strenuous since I've really slacked off in my exercise but some movement is better than no movement, right?

I'm hoping for some Zumba partners!!!!  I look forward to hearing from you!!!!