Framily. It's a new word I just made up. I make up a lot of words. This one is an awesome made up word. You will see.
I love my mom & brother very much, they are my biological family. We don't live near each other & are only fortunate enough to see each other maybe once or twice a year. We all talk regularly though. We all have busy lives with schedules that don't coincide but the love is there.
I had lunch today with my friends. We have busy lives with different schedules, blah blah blah but we try to get together as a group when we can. We talk, we laugh, we had a great time. Getting together never feels like we haven't seen each other for a few weeks or even months. It's like we were together the other day.
Sitting with the girls today reminded me how they are my unbiological family. The talks we've had, the joys & sorrows we've shared. The many laughs we have already had & I'm pretty sure we will continue to have. I have all that with my mom & my brother. It is so great to know that our friendship has really turned into our very own family unit. They are the sisters my mom didn't actually give birth to. I'm sure my mom is happy for that, it would have been a lot of pain on her uni. I'm pretty sure that my mom is also happy I have friends nearby when I need them. I know I'm happy my mom has a bingo bunch :)
So, my friends are my family, my framily. I couldn't have met better ones. I didn't get to choose who my mom or my brother were going to be. I got pretty darn lucky in that department. But I did get to choose my friends. I think my choices were pretty great :)
Happily,
Elizabeth
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Reflection in the mirror
I've been doing a lot of thinking about me. Go figure from my blog :)
Anyway, I've been thinking about what our society (American Society) finds to be attractive & beautiful. I receive Shape & Fitness monthly as well as see Womens Health & Maxim & other assorted magazines in the store. The all feature thin women who look as though they have never really struggled with their weight. What about the women on the "thick" side? What about the women who do exercise & eat right but will never be skinny? Where are the women who have curves & hips & butts? Why is it the so much emphasis is placed on these thin women? Mind you, I am not a skinny hater. I am a girl who has some body image issues based on what our society deems to be sexy, beautiful & hot. In my mind, I am none of those things unless I am skinny, size 4, minimal body fat thin.
Every time I have set out to get skinny, my main reason for doing so is just so I would feel beautiful or sexy. To be desired. Never for the reason of getting healthy, well maybe partly. There are times when I would cry because I wanted it so badly but had such a vicious cycle of emotional coping that I would derail myself. It got me thinking recently that maybe I have set an unttainable goal and the stress of that unattainable goal sets me up for failure. Maybe I needed to rethink what my goals should be.
Knowing I will never be stick thin, I got to thinking that having a curvy, voluptuous body is more attainable. Why can't I change my goal to become healthy girl who is active & eats right? It's much more realistic for me. I'm pretty sure by eating right & exercising, there will be weight loss & I will achieve my newly desired goal. Knowing the way our American society is, "I" will never change how everyone else thinks, so I need to change mine. In the big scheme of things, my life is about me & I need to do what is best for me.
I'm pretty excited over my new mentally healthy outlook. I'm excited to see how things progress for me. I suppose I'm pretty excited over being me.
Happily,
Elizabeth
Anyway, I've been thinking about what our society (American Society) finds to be attractive & beautiful. I receive Shape & Fitness monthly as well as see Womens Health & Maxim & other assorted magazines in the store. The all feature thin women who look as though they have never really struggled with their weight. What about the women on the "thick" side? What about the women who do exercise & eat right but will never be skinny? Where are the women who have curves & hips & butts? Why is it the so much emphasis is placed on these thin women? Mind you, I am not a skinny hater. I am a girl who has some body image issues based on what our society deems to be sexy, beautiful & hot. In my mind, I am none of those things unless I am skinny, size 4, minimal body fat thin.
Every time I have set out to get skinny, my main reason for doing so is just so I would feel beautiful or sexy. To be desired. Never for the reason of getting healthy, well maybe partly. There are times when I would cry because I wanted it so badly but had such a vicious cycle of emotional coping that I would derail myself. It got me thinking recently that maybe I have set an unttainable goal and the stress of that unattainable goal sets me up for failure. Maybe I needed to rethink what my goals should be.
Knowing I will never be stick thin, I got to thinking that having a curvy, voluptuous body is more attainable. Why can't I change my goal to become healthy girl who is active & eats right? It's much more realistic for me. I'm pretty sure by eating right & exercising, there will be weight loss & I will achieve my newly desired goal. Knowing the way our American society is, "I" will never change how everyone else thinks, so I need to change mine. In the big scheme of things, my life is about me & I need to do what is best for me.
I'm pretty excited over my new mentally healthy outlook. I'm excited to see how things progress for me. I suppose I'm pretty excited over being me.
Happily,
Elizabeth
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Saying Goodbye To Some "Friends"
Tonight's post is a tougher one for me. One some people may identify with, one some may not. It will be very honest for me, but it's part of MY healing process.
I spent a lot of the recent years being an emotional eater. I cope with food. I think part of it is our society uses food for celebration, for grief, as a reason to get together, so many reasons. Well, food, certain foods in particular have been/are/were my "friends". I sought a lot of comfort in my "friends".
For a long time I used food to push down feelings. I kept these "friends" of mine a secret. I still do. I'm pretty sure anyone who knows me will be reading or hearing this for the first time.
I was in denial about a lot of things. My feelings mostly. I had moved to NJ for a relationsip that wasn't healthy. I had no one here. I didn't have real friends of my own, they were all borrowed. I thought I could fix everything. I couldn't. I was very afraid to admit failure. So instead of facing my fears or even realizing I was human & had flaws I ate. I created my own "friends". I ate potato chips. They are probably one of my best "friends" being one of my worst "friends" at the same time. One I have a hard time giving up. I used to hide bags in my car. If no one saw me shoveling chips into my mouth, then I didn't really eat them. The more control I lost in my life, feelings & emotions out of control, the harder I binged. My loss of control became so bad that when eating a meal, I needed things to be separate, not touching on my plate but even using additional bowls to keep things completely apart.
For years I did this. Eventually a new "friend" joined the party. That would be my "friend" chicken wings. Man, did the 3 of us have a good time. Well, so I thought. My being in denial was so bad for a good 9 - 10 years. I had a bad day so I'd have happy hour with chips followed by some wings. This was at least a weekly occurence for the wings, the chips almost every day. All of this was because I couldn't face anything.
I eventually started therapy & finally started talking about "things". I had gotten to a point where I couldn't stop crying. I ended up in psychotherapy every 2 weeks for 3.5 years. Then one day, I admitted that getting rid of chicken wings would be like saying goodbye to a friend and it was if a lightbulb was turned on. I spent a lot of time wrestling with the inner turmoil I have: Today was horrible, I need a chip. This was such a great week, let me celebrate with some wings. It's become a vicious cycle. I know the behaviors are bad, but yet I can't seem to let go. How can I let go of the "friends" who have always been there & never judged me or let me down? While there is comfort in good people & things in our lives, there is also comfort in the bad.
Change is very hard. Therapy was hard. I had to face a lot in order to become strong enough to create the change that was good for me. What a surprise to finally realize that the Earth didn't change it's rotation when I finally started to face my fears. Locusts didn't appear when I started expressing myself honestly. Who would have ever thought?
While I was spending time growing & learning I was also making little changes. I didn't get to my worst over night. I've slowly had to unravel the layers I had built up over time. Again, I know that my coping mechanisms were very poor, but yet I did not have control over them. There were days I would be in a panic if I didn't see my "friends". I've gone to the store gotten some chips & opened the bag in the car only to shovel them into my mouth on the ride home. Complete lack of control. I can tell you the pleasurable endorphins released were wonderful. Then, the disgust at myself would roll around. My cycle of emotionally coping with food.
As time has gone by, I've learned to have a talk with myself about whether I WANT something or not. It was pretty uncontrolable until recently. This past weekend I shed the last layer. Now, in knowing that this layer was going to be removed, I was planning my celebration, my secret celebration because that means it didn't really happen. Well, I got my goodies & was ready to go. Then I tried to have the orgy of binging. But I couldn't. I physically couldn't put anything in my mouth. I just didn't want it. I ended up throwing everything away. It was the first time in my life I have ever done that. I've thrown things away just so I wouldn't eat the entire item but never in my life have I ever not be able to eat something. I no longer needed my friends.
The one thing I didn't throw away was my potato chip "friends". I don't know why I didn't. Usually when I get home from work, we spend time together. The bag open on the counter, calling to me while I make dinner. Shoveling them in as if someone were trying to steal them away. I had no urge for them yesterday. Today, I had probably a handful but didn't feel any sense of panic, gotta have more, have them all RIGHT NOW!!!!
Tomorrow is technically a binge night for me. It's a night I'm alone & when I do my errands. Normally, I would already be planning my food feast. But this time I haven't. I've actually planned a healthy meal for myself, for when I get home. I'm not feeling the anxiety over hoping not to get caught. I supposed I've finally made the peace with myself. I think I've finally realized I am going to be ok.
I'm sure it's hard to understand why "I" do these things. Hell, sometimes I don't even understand. You could probably equate it to a drug addict or an alcoholic, needing their next fix or drink. I'm pretty sure this will always be a demon I face. Right now, in my life, I am completely in control, for the first time. What an empowering feeling that is for me. I don't feel the need to eat in secret any more. It's a little scary for people to know my secret. It's a little exciting for people to know that I no longer need to keep it as my secret. I know the right things to do, it's just hard to do them when you don't feel in full control of your life. I suppose it's why I'm feeling I can finally do all the right things that need to be done.
I finally feel as though as I can tell my "friends" that it will be nice to visit once in a while, to catch up now & again but I have some new REAL friends now, who have been there, but not in the forefront & they really deserve to have most of my time.
I thought writing this would be a bit emotional, but oddly it wasn't. I feel relief & joy. I feel no sadness like I thought I would. I feel pretty darn happy & not smiling is what is difficult.
Happily,
Elizabeth
I spent a lot of the recent years being an emotional eater. I cope with food. I think part of it is our society uses food for celebration, for grief, as a reason to get together, so many reasons. Well, food, certain foods in particular have been/are/were my "friends". I sought a lot of comfort in my "friends".
For a long time I used food to push down feelings. I kept these "friends" of mine a secret. I still do. I'm pretty sure anyone who knows me will be reading or hearing this for the first time.
I was in denial about a lot of things. My feelings mostly. I had moved to NJ for a relationsip that wasn't healthy. I had no one here. I didn't have real friends of my own, they were all borrowed. I thought I could fix everything. I couldn't. I was very afraid to admit failure. So instead of facing my fears or even realizing I was human & had flaws I ate. I created my own "friends". I ate potato chips. They are probably one of my best "friends" being one of my worst "friends" at the same time. One I have a hard time giving up. I used to hide bags in my car. If no one saw me shoveling chips into my mouth, then I didn't really eat them. The more control I lost in my life, feelings & emotions out of control, the harder I binged. My loss of control became so bad that when eating a meal, I needed things to be separate, not touching on my plate but even using additional bowls to keep things completely apart.
For years I did this. Eventually a new "friend" joined the party. That would be my "friend" chicken wings. Man, did the 3 of us have a good time. Well, so I thought. My being in denial was so bad for a good 9 - 10 years. I had a bad day so I'd have happy hour with chips followed by some wings. This was at least a weekly occurence for the wings, the chips almost every day. All of this was because I couldn't face anything.
I eventually started therapy & finally started talking about "things". I had gotten to a point where I couldn't stop crying. I ended up in psychotherapy every 2 weeks for 3.5 years. Then one day, I admitted that getting rid of chicken wings would be like saying goodbye to a friend and it was if a lightbulb was turned on. I spent a lot of time wrestling with the inner turmoil I have: Today was horrible, I need a chip. This was such a great week, let me celebrate with some wings. It's become a vicious cycle. I know the behaviors are bad, but yet I can't seem to let go. How can I let go of the "friends" who have always been there & never judged me or let me down? While there is comfort in good people & things in our lives, there is also comfort in the bad.
Change is very hard. Therapy was hard. I had to face a lot in order to become strong enough to create the change that was good for me. What a surprise to finally realize that the Earth didn't change it's rotation when I finally started to face my fears. Locusts didn't appear when I started expressing myself honestly. Who would have ever thought?
While I was spending time growing & learning I was also making little changes. I didn't get to my worst over night. I've slowly had to unravel the layers I had built up over time. Again, I know that my coping mechanisms were very poor, but yet I did not have control over them. There were days I would be in a panic if I didn't see my "friends". I've gone to the store gotten some chips & opened the bag in the car only to shovel them into my mouth on the ride home. Complete lack of control. I can tell you the pleasurable endorphins released were wonderful. Then, the disgust at myself would roll around. My cycle of emotionally coping with food.
As time has gone by, I've learned to have a talk with myself about whether I WANT something or not. It was pretty uncontrolable until recently. This past weekend I shed the last layer. Now, in knowing that this layer was going to be removed, I was planning my celebration, my secret celebration because that means it didn't really happen. Well, I got my goodies & was ready to go. Then I tried to have the orgy of binging. But I couldn't. I physically couldn't put anything in my mouth. I just didn't want it. I ended up throwing everything away. It was the first time in my life I have ever done that. I've thrown things away just so I wouldn't eat the entire item but never in my life have I ever not be able to eat something. I no longer needed my friends.
The one thing I didn't throw away was my potato chip "friends". I don't know why I didn't. Usually when I get home from work, we spend time together. The bag open on the counter, calling to me while I make dinner. Shoveling them in as if someone were trying to steal them away. I had no urge for them yesterday. Today, I had probably a handful but didn't feel any sense of panic, gotta have more, have them all RIGHT NOW!!!!
Tomorrow is technically a binge night for me. It's a night I'm alone & when I do my errands. Normally, I would already be planning my food feast. But this time I haven't. I've actually planned a healthy meal for myself, for when I get home. I'm not feeling the anxiety over hoping not to get caught. I supposed I've finally made the peace with myself. I think I've finally realized I am going to be ok.
I'm sure it's hard to understand why "I" do these things. Hell, sometimes I don't even understand. You could probably equate it to a drug addict or an alcoholic, needing their next fix or drink. I'm pretty sure this will always be a demon I face. Right now, in my life, I am completely in control, for the first time. What an empowering feeling that is for me. I don't feel the need to eat in secret any more. It's a little scary for people to know my secret. It's a little exciting for people to know that I no longer need to keep it as my secret. I know the right things to do, it's just hard to do them when you don't feel in full control of your life. I suppose it's why I'm feeling I can finally do all the right things that need to be done.
I finally feel as though as I can tell my "friends" that it will be nice to visit once in a while, to catch up now & again but I have some new REAL friends now, who have been there, but not in the forefront & they really deserve to have most of my time.
I thought writing this would be a bit emotional, but oddly it wasn't. I feel relief & joy. I feel no sadness like I thought I would. I feel pretty darn happy & not smiling is what is difficult.
Happily,
Elizabeth
Monday, February 22, 2010
Clean Eating
I know I said I would explain Clean Eating. I'm using the help of my "The Eat-Clean Diet" book.
Eating clean really isn't a diet, it's a lifestyle. Simply put, Clean Eating is consuming fresh fruits & vegetables, whole grains & lean protein which you eat at regular intervals throughout the day. No processed crap & sounds very logical.
Clean Eating is really an investment in yourself. One thing people need to remember is food is the fuel for your body. If you fill it with garbage, it runs like garbage. Compare it to your car that has been filled with watered down cheap gas. It doesn't run very well, does it? Well the same thing happens to your body.
The Eat-Clean principles are as follows:
- Eat 5 or 6 small meals every day
- Eat every 2 to 3 hours
- Combine lean protein and complex carbs at every meal
- Consume adequate healthy fats every day
- Drink at least 2 liters, or 8 cups, of water each day
- Never miss a meal, especially breakfast
- Carry a cooler loaded with Eat-Clean food to get through the day
- Avoid all over-processed, refined foods, especially white flour & sugar
- Avoid chemicals, preservatives, and artificial sugar
- Avoid saturated & trans fats
- Avoid sugar-loaded colas & juices
- Consume adequate healthy fats (EFAs) each day
- Avoid alcohol - another form of sugar
- Avoid all calorie dense foods that contain little or no nutritional value
- Depend on fresh fruits & vegetables for fiber, vitamins & enzymes
- Stick to proper portion sizes - give up the super sizing
WOW!!!! That is a lot of information!!! Remember when I said way back when (yesterday) about trying every day? Well, I'm going to try every day. Eventually it will all fall into place. There is no "rule" that it has to be 100% perfect from the start, but this is a starting point. I'm planning to get to that 100% perfect everyday, it's just not going to be tomorrow. Especially after the day I had today, I'm contemplating carrying a flask around full of gin. That isn't very clean eating conscious is it?
Anyway, I will keep reading & sharing, hoping you will share with me too.
Happily,
Elizabeth
Eating clean really isn't a diet, it's a lifestyle. Simply put, Clean Eating is consuming fresh fruits & vegetables, whole grains & lean protein which you eat at regular intervals throughout the day. No processed crap & sounds very logical.
Clean Eating is really an investment in yourself. One thing people need to remember is food is the fuel for your body. If you fill it with garbage, it runs like garbage. Compare it to your car that has been filled with watered down cheap gas. It doesn't run very well, does it? Well the same thing happens to your body.
The Eat-Clean principles are as follows:
- Eat 5 or 6 small meals every day
- Eat every 2 to 3 hours
- Combine lean protein and complex carbs at every meal
- Consume adequate healthy fats every day
- Drink at least 2 liters, or 8 cups, of water each day
- Never miss a meal, especially breakfast
- Carry a cooler loaded with Eat-Clean food to get through the day
- Avoid all over-processed, refined foods, especially white flour & sugar
- Avoid chemicals, preservatives, and artificial sugar
- Avoid saturated & trans fats
- Avoid sugar-loaded colas & juices
- Consume adequate healthy fats (EFAs) each day
- Avoid alcohol - another form of sugar
- Avoid all calorie dense foods that contain little or no nutritional value
- Depend on fresh fruits & vegetables for fiber, vitamins & enzymes
- Stick to proper portion sizes - give up the super sizing
WOW!!!! That is a lot of information!!! Remember when I said way back when (yesterday) about trying every day? Well, I'm going to try every day. Eventually it will all fall into place. There is no "rule" that it has to be 100% perfect from the start, but this is a starting point. I'm planning to get to that 100% perfect everyday, it's just not going to be tomorrow. Especially after the day I had today, I'm contemplating carrying a flask around full of gin. That isn't very clean eating conscious is it?
Anyway, I will keep reading & sharing, hoping you will share with me too.
Happily,
Elizabeth
Sunday, February 21, 2010
First Day Jitters
This is my first day "on the job" so to speak, of blogging. I've decided to blog about my healthy lifestyle choices. This will include my struggles, my successes, my weaknesses, my strengths and everything in between. This is mainly for my accountability to myself. Putting myself out there.
My plan is to work at living a "clean" lifestyle by following clean eating habits. I will detail what clean eating is in another blog. In my plan I will include recipes, tips, pictures & anything else I think will be informative. I'd also like to show that eating healthy unprocessed foods is doable in my busy life style. That it can be a matter of convenience.
Also in my plan I will include my exercise regimen. I've got a lot going on. Most things will include humor because without it I would never get through life. Sometimes this blog may not even be about eating or exercise, but that can happen with me.
I read a lot of informative "stuff" and will share what I think is valuable. Things we can all carry with us. My first tip/suggestion will be coming shortly.
I encourage all kinds of sharing. Recipes, exercise tips, positive encouragement, you name it. We are all in this world together with our paths crossing, running parallel, diverting & coming back together. With the people I have in my life, I would like to spend as much time with them as possible, starting with getting on the healthy track, hence where my blog comes in.
Ok, so my first tip. I'm pretty sure it comes from my days as a Weight Watcher (WW). While a great plan, it's very hard for me to stick to, with all that points counting. I did lose 60 pounds only to gain about 25 back, not WW's fault, my own. My leader, Wendy, was such an awesome leader. She is an amazing person that I adore dearly as we have become friends outside of WW. Wendy has such a great outlook on life. In our meetings she would always say to keep trying. Which I have taken upon myself to keep trying. Every day is a new day. Wake up & try. So every day I do. I start every day eating a healthy breakfast. Some days it includes a healthy lunch, snacks & dinner. Some days it's just breakfast. But I try every day. It's the best I can do. So start every day trying. One day I know it will all catch up & come together.
Happily,
Elizabeth
My plan is to work at living a "clean" lifestyle by following clean eating habits. I will detail what clean eating is in another blog. In my plan I will include recipes, tips, pictures & anything else I think will be informative. I'd also like to show that eating healthy unprocessed foods is doable in my busy life style. That it can be a matter of convenience.
Also in my plan I will include my exercise regimen. I've got a lot going on. Most things will include humor because without it I would never get through life. Sometimes this blog may not even be about eating or exercise, but that can happen with me.
I read a lot of informative "stuff" and will share what I think is valuable. Things we can all carry with us. My first tip/suggestion will be coming shortly.
I encourage all kinds of sharing. Recipes, exercise tips, positive encouragement, you name it. We are all in this world together with our paths crossing, running parallel, diverting & coming back together. With the people I have in my life, I would like to spend as much time with them as possible, starting with getting on the healthy track, hence where my blog comes in.
Ok, so my first tip. I'm pretty sure it comes from my days as a Weight Watcher (WW). While a great plan, it's very hard for me to stick to, with all that points counting. I did lose 60 pounds only to gain about 25 back, not WW's fault, my own. My leader, Wendy, was such an awesome leader. She is an amazing person that I adore dearly as we have become friends outside of WW. Wendy has such a great outlook on life. In our meetings she would always say to keep trying. Which I have taken upon myself to keep trying. Every day is a new day. Wake up & try. So every day I do. I start every day eating a healthy breakfast. Some days it includes a healthy lunch, snacks & dinner. Some days it's just breakfast. But I try every day. It's the best I can do. So start every day trying. One day I know it will all catch up & come together.
Happily,
Elizabeth
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