Saying Goodbye To Some "Friends"

Tonight's post is a tougher one for me. One some people may identify with, one some may not. It will be very honest for me, but it's part of MY healing process.

I spent a lot of the recent years being an emotional eater. I cope with food. I think part of it is our society uses food for celebration, for grief, as a reason to get together, so many reasons. Well, food, certain foods in particular have been/are/were my "friends". I sought a lot of comfort in my "friends".

For a long time I used food to push down feelings. I kept these "friends" of mine a secret. I still do. I'm pretty sure anyone who knows me will be reading or hearing this for the first time.

I was in denial about a lot of things. My feelings mostly. I had moved to NJ for a relationsip that wasn't healthy. I had no one here. I didn't have real friends of my own, they were all borrowed. I thought I could fix everything. I couldn't. I was very afraid to admit failure. So instead of facing my fears or even realizing I was human & had flaws I ate. I created my own "friends". I ate potato chips. They are probably one of my best "friends" being one of my worst "friends" at the same time. One I have a hard time giving up. I used to hide bags in my car. If no one saw me shoveling chips into my mouth, then I didn't really eat them. The more control I lost in my life, feelings & emotions out of control, the harder I binged. My loss of control became so bad that when eating a meal, I needed things to be separate, not touching on my plate but even using additional bowls to keep things completely apart.

For years I did this. Eventually a new "friend" joined the party. That would be my "friend" chicken wings. Man, did the 3 of us have a good time. Well, so I thought. My being in denial was so bad for a good 9 - 10 years. I had a bad day so I'd have happy hour with chips followed by some wings. This was at least a weekly occurence for the wings, the chips almost every day. All of this was because I couldn't face anything.

I eventually started therapy & finally started talking about "things". I had gotten to a point where I couldn't stop crying. I ended up in psychotherapy every 2 weeks for 3.5 years. Then one day, I admitted that getting rid of chicken wings would be like saying goodbye to a friend and it was if a lightbulb was turned on. I spent a lot of time wrestling with the inner turmoil I have: Today was horrible, I need a chip. This was such a great week, let me celebrate with some wings. It's become a vicious cycle. I know the behaviors are bad, but yet I can't seem to let go. How can I let go of the "friends" who have always been there & never judged me or let me down? While there is comfort in good people & things in our lives, there is also comfort in the bad.

Change is very hard. Therapy was hard. I had to face a lot in order to become strong enough to create the change that was good for me. What a surprise to finally realize that the Earth didn't change it's rotation when I finally started to face my fears. Locusts didn't appear when I started expressing myself honestly. Who would have ever thought?

While I was spending time growing & learning I was also making little changes. I didn't get to my worst over night. I've slowly had to unravel the layers I had built up over time. Again, I know that my coping mechanisms were very poor, but yet I did not have control over them. There were days I would be in a panic if I didn't see my "friends". I've gone to the store gotten some chips & opened the bag in the car only to shovel them into my mouth on the ride home. Complete lack of control. I can tell you the pleasurable endorphins released were wonderful. Then, the disgust at myself would roll around. My cycle of emotionally coping with food.

As time has gone by, I've learned to have a talk with myself about whether I WANT something or not. It was pretty uncontrolable until recently. This past weekend I shed the last layer. Now, in knowing that this layer was going to be removed, I was planning my celebration, my secret celebration because that means it didn't really happen. Well, I got my goodies & was ready to go. Then I tried to have the orgy of binging. But I couldn't. I physically couldn't put anything in my mouth. I just didn't want it. I ended up throwing everything away. It was the first time in my life I have ever done that. I've thrown things away just so I wouldn't eat the entire item but never in my life have I ever not be able to eat something. I no longer needed my friends.

The one thing I didn't throw away was my potato chip "friends". I don't know why I didn't. Usually when I get home from work, we spend time together. The bag open on the counter, calling to me while I make dinner. Shoveling them in as if someone were trying to steal them away. I had no urge for them yesterday. Today, I had probably a handful but didn't feel any sense of panic, gotta have more, have them all RIGHT NOW!!!!

Tomorrow is technically a binge night for me. It's a night I'm alone & when I do my errands. Normally, I would already be planning my food feast. But this time I haven't. I've actually planned a healthy meal for myself, for when I get home. I'm not feeling the anxiety over hoping not to get caught. I supposed I've finally made the peace with myself. I think I've finally realized I am going to be ok.

I'm sure it's hard to understand why "I" do these things. Hell, sometimes I don't even understand. You could probably equate it to a drug addict or an alcoholic, needing their next fix or drink. I'm pretty sure this will always be a demon I face. Right now, in my life, I am completely in control, for the first time. What an empowering feeling that is for me. I don't feel the need to eat in secret any more. It's a little scary for people to know my secret. It's a little exciting for people to know that I no longer need to keep it as my secret. I know the right things to do, it's just hard to do them when you don't feel in full control of your life. I suppose it's why I'm feeling I can finally do all the right things that need to be done.

I finally feel as though as I can tell my "friends" that it will be nice to visit once in a while, to catch up now & again but I have some new REAL friends now, who have been there, but not in the forefront & they really deserve to have most of my time.

I thought writing this would be a bit emotional, but oddly it wasn't. I feel relief & joy. I feel no sadness like I thought I would. I feel pretty darn happy & not smiling is what is difficult.

Happily,

Elizabeth