Well, at least I think I am. Would I be considered a procrastinator if I were to admit that when I become overwhelmed with a lot of things to do, I just don't want to do "stuff" like take the time to meal plan, exercise or even work at my job?
I've been doing a lot of work to prepare for my week of vacation. It's causing me to have anxiety for a lot of reasons. Some I can't divulge at the moment but I can tell you that my job duties are ones others don't do or can't be bothered with, which means they don't want to know how to do them. That causes me stress. This stress is giving me spasms in my back. Anyway.....I digress.....
I'm not focused on work, because I can't. Because of forces at work causing me to shutdown slightly, because I'm leaving on vacation & I have a bunch of stuff to do, because of "stuff". So I was tooling around on the Shape website & I found a fun tool. Well, fun to me & most likely my friend Amy. Amy, MY friend I met at Nautilus......we used to "ride" the exercise bikes to Dairy Queen & we made sure we waved & said "hello" to everyone who walked into the gym. The happy memories I have of my times with Amy.....a few times we actually went to DQ after the gym or instead of the gym but shhhhhhh don't tell anyone!
Ok, back from my digression, again, years ago I read a little tidbit in either Shape or Fitness about a woman runner & what she would have to do to work off a jelly donut. The article said she typically ran about an hour a day, in general but in order for her to eat that jelly donut, she's have to run another hour, just to eat the jelly donut. WOW!!! Let me give you another scenario: On a good day, an hour on the elliptical I can burn roughly 800 calories. A plain bagel (NY/NJ style, not those little frozen Lender's Bagels) can roughly be 600 calories. That is also before you add the HUGE schmear of cream cheese. So if I wanted a bagel, I'd have to do about 45 minutes more on the elliptical, after I did an hour. Needless to say I don't really eat bagels anymore. I can't tell you the last time I had one. It's just not worth the extra work, carbs, processed flour etc. Amy loved to figure out of something was worth eating. Oddly, I like to figure out the work I would need to do to burn off whatever too.
For those of you who are curious about certain foods & the effort needed to negate it I have a fun tool!! Yes, FUN!!! Shape has a tool called: What does it take to burn it off? Just click on the title & go have some fun!!! I'd be curious to know what kind of work you would have to do!! It does break everything down by type of exercise & your weight, which makes it a little more accurate. Sadly, thinner people have to work harder than heavier people to burn the same amount of calories.
I will be on vacation next week. I'm heading to Middle America.....Kansas City, MO to spend some time with my mom. I will be having the delicacies of Waffle House, BBQ & anything else localized to the Midwest. Remember, I'm human & I enjoy life. While my eating will not be perfect, it will not be gross either. Moderation & I'm going to try it out. Hopefully I will have an epiphany about food or something while I'm there to blog some for you all!!
Enjoy the calorie burning tool!! I really do welcome everyone to share their results if they try it out!!! If you do share please post the food, exercise chosen & how long it would take you to burn it!!! Could be inspirational for others!!!
Happily,
Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
A Different Kind of Start
So I've been doing a lot of self introspection. Trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Why I've been struggling. I think I've figured it out. I think I've lost a little of "me" again.
A few years ago, I had to step outside my comfort zone & join a gym. To prepare for a job I ultimately didn't take. Oddly, I stuck with the gym. I met some wonderful people, who I love very dearly. But, in that time, I grew a lot. I found "me". I wasn't in the best relationship. Of course, rather than suck up my pride, I couldn't fail, so I stayed. I covered everything with food. I had decided that I made my choices, this was how it was going to be. So, I worked out, hard, but ate so very poorly. I can work out with the best of them, lift weights with the most perfect form, do hours of cardio, but because I ate so poorly, it didn't matter. I was so unhappy with myself & my life I was horribly self destructive.
Well, I knew deep down what the right thing to do was. I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to be labeled a failure. So I continued on, in this poor relationship, eventually getting married. I always thought if I kept trying, I could make it better. I didn't want to fail. Things never got better, they got worse. Not only could I work out like a champ, but I could eat like one too. Gross displays of food.
Shortly after getting married, I started therapy. Not to end my marriage but to fix me, to help me not feel like a failure or to become one. For three and a half years I saw Seth every other week. That is 26 times a year. That's a lot of therapy. Then, one day, on the day my ex was to come home, I went with friends to a Breast Cancer Fundraiser. When I woke up that morning, I had a burning sensation in my chest, sort of like a combination between nausea & heartburn. At the function, there was a woman who spoke about how you can't take life for granted. You have to be happy, you never know what tomorrow will bring. Her speech brought tears to a lot of people's eyes. I was with my friends, Stacy & Leslie (other friends of mine, that belong solely to me). We had fun, but I had that sensation going on, it was getting worse. When I got home, my ex was there. He wanted nothing more than to spend time with me, I wanted nothing to do with him. I told him to leave me alone, I had to lay down, I didn't feel well, I told him about the sensation. When I woke up, it was bad, I was worried. I went downstairs to tell him I still didn't feel well & in talking I said "I can't do this anymore, I can't be married, I'm not happy, I want to be happy, I can't do it." The sensation went away only to be replaced my massive amounts of tears.
I ended up calling out of work the next day, I was in a panic. I had to see Seth. My life as I had chosen to live it, was about to end. All my work at the gym, finding my own friends, with Seth, had gotten me to that point. I never ever imagined my life without my ex, because I had decided that that was it for me. Now, my life was going to be different. I was scared.
In starting my new chapter, it was all about me, just Elizabeth. I was 32 & it had never been just me. I had never lived alone, been 100% self reliant, all sorts of things. That's very scary. There were a lot of changes to come & I was so scared. I'm still scared.
I had to do & learn a lot of things. I'm still doing & learning. Before I left my marriage, I know I found the person I lost, at the time 10 years ago. In my new adventure, I've lost the new person in trying to adapt. Some things had to be pushed aside in order to continue life. Things don't wait for you to be ready. You have to fit yourself in. Everything fell on me. I had no one to share responsibilities with, no one to share expenses with. Things I apparently took for granted I had to take care of myself. Emotionally, I think it was overwhelming. It left me exhausted, it still does. But it has occurred to me, my passion I had for exercise has dwindled. Why? Lots of reasons. I joined a new gym, with people I don't know. I had the security of knowing people at my old gym, made friends there, which made it easier for me to go. Now, I just feel like the big girl everyone stares at because I should be there & it's those self sabotaging thoughts that derail me. I know, dumb but not to me. I'm out of my comfort zone & know I need to push through it. It's easier to avoid than do. Old habits die hard. I'm a work in progress. Still healing old wounds & insecurities, still mending with food at times. I get motivated, then have a tough time with work/exercise/whatever & it sets me back. I've realized this.
I think I need to stop & take a few breaths. I need to put less pressure on myself & re-evaluate some things. I haven't failed. I've succeeded. I made major life changes & I still am. Everything always works out as it should. Sometimes the struggles are harder at times, but it really does work out. I've done the whole exercise thing before, I can do it again, I just need to be easier on myself emotionally. I know everyone else at the gym is just as self conscious as I am. They are thinking the same things I do. I have to get over myself.
Needless to say, I know where I am at, but I don't know where I am going, I just know which direction to take, which is perfectly fine with me. I have a long journey & want to see & do as much as I possibly can. I don't think I should rush things along. I've decided there isn't anything wrong with me other than me having unrealistic expectations of myself. I will continue to read & educate myself on eating, exercising, saving, anything you name it that helps me along in this big world. I kind of think of it as floating down a lazy river of life.
Happily,
Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com
A few years ago, I had to step outside my comfort zone & join a gym. To prepare for a job I ultimately didn't take. Oddly, I stuck with the gym. I met some wonderful people, who I love very dearly. But, in that time, I grew a lot. I found "me". I wasn't in the best relationship. Of course, rather than suck up my pride, I couldn't fail, so I stayed. I covered everything with food. I had decided that I made my choices, this was how it was going to be. So, I worked out, hard, but ate so very poorly. I can work out with the best of them, lift weights with the most perfect form, do hours of cardio, but because I ate so poorly, it didn't matter. I was so unhappy with myself & my life I was horribly self destructive.
Well, I knew deep down what the right thing to do was. I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to be labeled a failure. So I continued on, in this poor relationship, eventually getting married. I always thought if I kept trying, I could make it better. I didn't want to fail. Things never got better, they got worse. Not only could I work out like a champ, but I could eat like one too. Gross displays of food.
Shortly after getting married, I started therapy. Not to end my marriage but to fix me, to help me not feel like a failure or to become one. For three and a half years I saw Seth every other week. That is 26 times a year. That's a lot of therapy. Then, one day, on the day my ex was to come home, I went with friends to a Breast Cancer Fundraiser. When I woke up that morning, I had a burning sensation in my chest, sort of like a combination between nausea & heartburn. At the function, there was a woman who spoke about how you can't take life for granted. You have to be happy, you never know what tomorrow will bring. Her speech brought tears to a lot of people's eyes. I was with my friends, Stacy & Leslie (other friends of mine, that belong solely to me). We had fun, but I had that sensation going on, it was getting worse. When I got home, my ex was there. He wanted nothing more than to spend time with me, I wanted nothing to do with him. I told him to leave me alone, I had to lay down, I didn't feel well, I told him about the sensation. When I woke up, it was bad, I was worried. I went downstairs to tell him I still didn't feel well & in talking I said "I can't do this anymore, I can't be married, I'm not happy, I want to be happy, I can't do it." The sensation went away only to be replaced my massive amounts of tears.
I ended up calling out of work the next day, I was in a panic. I had to see Seth. My life as I had chosen to live it, was about to end. All my work at the gym, finding my own friends, with Seth, had gotten me to that point. I never ever imagined my life without my ex, because I had decided that that was it for me. Now, my life was going to be different. I was scared.
In starting my new chapter, it was all about me, just Elizabeth. I was 32 & it had never been just me. I had never lived alone, been 100% self reliant, all sorts of things. That's very scary. There were a lot of changes to come & I was so scared. I'm still scared.
I had to do & learn a lot of things. I'm still doing & learning. Before I left my marriage, I know I found the person I lost, at the time 10 years ago. In my new adventure, I've lost the new person in trying to adapt. Some things had to be pushed aside in order to continue life. Things don't wait for you to be ready. You have to fit yourself in. Everything fell on me. I had no one to share responsibilities with, no one to share expenses with. Things I apparently took for granted I had to take care of myself. Emotionally, I think it was overwhelming. It left me exhausted, it still does. But it has occurred to me, my passion I had for exercise has dwindled. Why? Lots of reasons. I joined a new gym, with people I don't know. I had the security of knowing people at my old gym, made friends there, which made it easier for me to go. Now, I just feel like the big girl everyone stares at because I should be there & it's those self sabotaging thoughts that derail me. I know, dumb but not to me. I'm out of my comfort zone & know I need to push through it. It's easier to avoid than do. Old habits die hard. I'm a work in progress. Still healing old wounds & insecurities, still mending with food at times. I get motivated, then have a tough time with work/exercise/whatever & it sets me back. I've realized this.
I think I need to stop & take a few breaths. I need to put less pressure on myself & re-evaluate some things. I haven't failed. I've succeeded. I made major life changes & I still am. Everything always works out as it should. Sometimes the struggles are harder at times, but it really does work out. I've done the whole exercise thing before, I can do it again, I just need to be easier on myself emotionally. I know everyone else at the gym is just as self conscious as I am. They are thinking the same things I do. I have to get over myself.
Needless to say, I know where I am at, but I don't know where I am going, I just know which direction to take, which is perfectly fine with me. I have a long journey & want to see & do as much as I possibly can. I don't think I should rush things along. I've decided there isn't anything wrong with me other than me having unrealistic expectations of myself. I will continue to read & educate myself on eating, exercising, saving, anything you name it that helps me along in this big world. I kind of think of it as floating down a lazy river of life.
Happily,
Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com
Sunday, June 13, 2010
53:53
Today was my 5K, the Run for Jordan. I didn't get much sleep, I had a lot of anxiety. I set 2 alarms in case the power went out. It made me giggle because it made me think of that Seinfeld episode but I digress. I got up this morning & had a yummy breakfast of organic raisin bran. It was humid as hell out, still is.
There were a lot of people there. A lot more signed up than anticipated. I met up with my race mates: Heather, Jeremy, Elysia, CJ & Katie. They were all going to run. Jeremy was on the track team in High School & still continues to run. After we met up we went to check in & get our numbers. Mine was #199. I will always keep that number. It's my first race number.
The start was delayed because of the amount of people & we still didn't know the race route. It's probably good I didn't know the race route because I more than likely would have backed out. As we started, there was a hill. Joy. As we kept going, there was another hill. Great. I'm trucking along at a good walking pace & then there was this steep muther effer of a hill. WTH???? It was the kind of hill you lean forward to walk up. Again, WTH???? I got to the top, gasping for air & probably wheezing too but kept on moving. I had my music to keep me moving. I kept right on.
Just before the 2nd mile marker I saw a familiar biker watching the racers. It was Jay :) He drove home early from upstate just for my 5K. I ran to give him a quick kiss on the cheek, I didn't want to stop, I wouldn't have finished. So he went to the finish line to wait for me. As I was going along, Jeremy found me & walked with me for a second, that was nice too. I kept moving.
As I got back toward the high school, there were more hills. WTFH???? As I got to the race track to finish the last leg & to make sure my legs were attached to my body because I could no longer feel them, Elysia & Heather met me, with water. My wonderful friends. They walked with me to just before the finish line then I crossed it on my own. Everyone saw me do it. 53:53 that was my time. I set two goals, ones I deemed attainable. To finish in under an hour & not to be the last person to finish the entire thing. I accomplished both.
I'm pretty happy with myself. I'm happy I had people I love very much there with me. I've decided to do another 5K. I'm going to do the Christmas in August 5K. If anyone would like to join me, feel free, the registration info can be found through the link.
I have to pick some more goals before the next one. I have to think about it some. I think this might have been the boost to my confidence I needed. I've been doing some thinking on why my confidence has been low. I think I've figured out why & it has to do with me. Anyway....
It's nap time now. It's started to rain, it's gray & I'm a happy girl.
Wearilyinagoodway,
Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com
There were a lot of people there. A lot more signed up than anticipated. I met up with my race mates: Heather, Jeremy, Elysia, CJ & Katie. They were all going to run. Jeremy was on the track team in High School & still continues to run. After we met up we went to check in & get our numbers. Mine was #199. I will always keep that number. It's my first race number.
The start was delayed because of the amount of people & we still didn't know the race route. It's probably good I didn't know the race route because I more than likely would have backed out. As we started, there was a hill. Joy. As we kept going, there was another hill. Great. I'm trucking along at a good walking pace & then there was this steep muther effer of a hill. WTH???? It was the kind of hill you lean forward to walk up. Again, WTH???? I got to the top, gasping for air & probably wheezing too but kept on moving. I had my music to keep me moving. I kept right on.
Just before the 2nd mile marker I saw a familiar biker watching the racers. It was Jay :) He drove home early from upstate just for my 5K. I ran to give him a quick kiss on the cheek, I didn't want to stop, I wouldn't have finished. So he went to the finish line to wait for me. As I was going along, Jeremy found me & walked with me for a second, that was nice too. I kept moving.
As I got back toward the high school, there were more hills. WTFH???? As I got to the race track to finish the last leg & to make sure my legs were attached to my body because I could no longer feel them, Elysia & Heather met me, with water. My wonderful friends. They walked with me to just before the finish line then I crossed it on my own. Everyone saw me do it. 53:53 that was my time. I set two goals, ones I deemed attainable. To finish in under an hour & not to be the last person to finish the entire thing. I accomplished both.
I'm pretty happy with myself. I'm happy I had people I love very much there with me. I've decided to do another 5K. I'm going to do the Christmas in August 5K. If anyone would like to join me, feel free, the registration info can be found through the link.
I have to pick some more goals before the next one. I have to think about it some. I think this might have been the boost to my confidence I needed. I've been doing some thinking on why my confidence has been low. I think I've figured out why & it has to do with me. Anyway....
It's nap time now. It's started to rain, it's gray & I'm a happy girl.
Wearilyinagoodway,
Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
StartStop
Startstopstartstopstartstopstartstopstartstopstartstop to infinity +1
That's what I feel like I do. No, it's not what I feel like I do, it is what I do. All the time. I get motivated, start "something" then get frustrated/hungry/agitated/younameit then stop. Why is it so hard to stick with something, anything? Well for me anyway.
I have talked about ALL the many things that bother me until I'm blue in the face with Seth. Is something really bothering me? I've been asking myself that for a while. Am I really happy? Am I upset with anyone? Am I just lazy? What the hell is wrong with me? Other than the one usual worry, money, I have I can't figure anything out.
I am starting to think I get dejected too easily. That maybe I put way too much pressure on myself & little slip ups for me I take as BIG slip ups, ultimately stopping me. Do I put too much pressure on myself? Do I expect too much from me? Why am I so hard on me? Do I need to be perfect everyday all the time? Does it have to do with my own self confidence? Do I not have enough confidence in myself? Where do you find confidence? I wish it was as easy as buying it from the store. Ultimately, I think deep down, that is my problem. It has nothing to do with anyone but me. Joy.
These are questions I have been asking myself lately. Maybe if I let up on me a little bit, then I would feel so pressured.....by me. Then maybe I could flow more or even better. Then I'd be less likely to startstopstartstopstartstop.
I don't know but it has me frustrated. I have that 5K this Sunday which I'm pretty sure I will be wunning (walk/running - I learned the term from Heather & Elysia, not sure where they got it from but that's what I will be doing). I feel like a failure because I probably won't be able to jog much, if at all. Because I had trouble with the training. Am I a failure? If I complete the 5K, no matter how I do it, doesn't that make me successful in some way? Just the fact that I did it? I don't know. Right now I see nothing positive in the whole situation I'm so frickin' frustrated with myself.
I will be reporting back, Sunday night, after I wun the 5K, to let you know if I feel any better or if my thoughts have changed. I'm hoping they do. I'm kinda hoping it starts me on a trend of good things. We will see....
Annoyedwithmself,
Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com
That's what I feel like I do. No, it's not what I feel like I do, it is what I do. All the time. I get motivated, start "something" then get frustrated/hungry/agitated/younameit then stop. Why is it so hard to stick with something, anything? Well for me anyway.
I have talked about ALL the many things that bother me until I'm blue in the face with Seth. Is something really bothering me? I've been asking myself that for a while. Am I really happy? Am I upset with anyone? Am I just lazy? What the hell is wrong with me? Other than the one usual worry, money, I have I can't figure anything out.
I am starting to think I get dejected too easily. That maybe I put way too much pressure on myself & little slip ups for me I take as BIG slip ups, ultimately stopping me. Do I put too much pressure on myself? Do I expect too much from me? Why am I so hard on me? Do I need to be perfect everyday all the time? Does it have to do with my own self confidence? Do I not have enough confidence in myself? Where do you find confidence? I wish it was as easy as buying it from the store. Ultimately, I think deep down, that is my problem. It has nothing to do with anyone but me. Joy.
These are questions I have been asking myself lately. Maybe if I let up on me a little bit, then I would feel so pressured.....by me. Then maybe I could flow more or even better. Then I'd be less likely to startstopstartstopstartstop.
I don't know but it has me frustrated. I have that 5K this Sunday which I'm pretty sure I will be wunning (walk/running - I learned the term from Heather & Elysia, not sure where they got it from but that's what I will be doing). I feel like a failure because I probably won't be able to jog much, if at all. Because I had trouble with the training. Am I a failure? If I complete the 5K, no matter how I do it, doesn't that make me successful in some way? Just the fact that I did it? I don't know. Right now I see nothing positive in the whole situation I'm so frickin' frustrated with myself.
I will be reporting back, Sunday night, after I wun the 5K, to let you know if I feel any better or if my thoughts have changed. I'm hoping they do. I'm kinda hoping it starts me on a trend of good things. We will see....
Annoyedwithmself,
Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com
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