A Different Kind of Start

So I've been doing a lot of self introspection. Trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Why I've been struggling. I think I've figured it out. I think I've lost a little of "me" again.

A few years ago, I had to step outside my comfort zone & join a gym. To prepare for a job I ultimately didn't take. Oddly, I stuck with the gym. I met some wonderful people, who I love very dearly. But, in that time, I grew a lot. I found "me". I wasn't in the best relationship. Of course, rather than suck up my pride, I couldn't fail, so I stayed. I covered everything with food. I had decided that I made my choices, this was how it was going to be. So, I worked out, hard, but ate so very poorly. I can work out with the best of them, lift weights with the most perfect form, do hours of cardio, but because I ate so poorly, it didn't matter. I was so unhappy with myself & my life I was horribly self destructive.

Well, I knew deep down what the right thing to do was. I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to be labeled a failure. So I continued on, in this poor relationship, eventually getting married. I always thought if I kept trying, I could make it better. I didn't want to fail. Things never got better, they got worse. Not only could I work out like a champ, but I could eat like one too. Gross displays of food.

Shortly after getting married, I started therapy. Not to end my marriage but to fix me, to help me not feel like a failure or to become one. For three and a half years I saw Seth every other week. That is 26 times a year. That's a lot of therapy. Then, one day, on the day my ex was to come home, I went with friends to a Breast Cancer Fundraiser. When I woke up that morning, I had a burning sensation in my chest, sort of like a combination between nausea & heartburn. At the function, there was a woman who spoke about how you can't take life for granted. You have to be happy, you never know what tomorrow will bring. Her speech brought tears to a lot of people's eyes. I was with my friends, Stacy & Leslie (other friends of mine, that belong solely to me). We had fun, but I had that sensation going on, it was getting worse. When I got home, my ex was there. He wanted nothing more than to spend time with me, I wanted nothing to do with him. I told him to leave me alone, I had to lay down, I didn't feel well, I told him about the sensation. When I woke up, it was bad, I was worried. I went downstairs to tell him I still didn't feel well & in talking I said "I can't do this anymore, I can't be married, I'm not happy, I want to be happy, I can't do it." The sensation went away only to be replaced my massive amounts of tears.

I ended up calling out of work the next day, I was in a panic. I had to see Seth. My life as I had chosen to live it, was about to end. All my work at the gym, finding my own friends, with Seth, had gotten me to that point. I never ever imagined my life without my ex, because I had decided that that was it for me. Now, my life was going to be different. I was scared.

In starting my new chapter, it was all about me, just Elizabeth. I was 32 & it had never been just me. I had never lived alone, been 100% self reliant, all sorts of things. That's very scary. There were a lot of changes to come & I was so scared. I'm still scared.

I had to do & learn a lot of things. I'm still doing & learning. Before I left my marriage, I know I found the person I lost, at the time 10 years ago. In my new adventure, I've lost the new person in trying to adapt. Some things had to be pushed aside in order to continue life. Things don't wait for you to be ready. You have to fit yourself in. Everything fell on me. I had no one to share responsibilities with, no one to share expenses with. Things I apparently took for granted I had to take care of myself. Emotionally, I think it was overwhelming. It left me exhausted, it still does. But it has occurred to me, my passion I had for exercise has dwindled. Why? Lots of reasons. I joined a new gym, with people I don't know. I had the security of knowing people at my old gym, made friends there, which made it easier for me to go. Now, I just feel like the big girl everyone stares at because I should be there & it's those self sabotaging thoughts that derail me. I know, dumb but not to me. I'm out of my comfort zone & know I need to push through it. It's easier to avoid than do. Old habits die hard. I'm a work in progress. Still healing old wounds & insecurities, still mending with food at times. I get motivated, then have a tough time with work/exercise/whatever & it sets me back. I've realized this.

I think I need to stop & take a few breaths. I need to put less pressure on myself & re-evaluate some things. I haven't failed. I've succeeded. I made major life changes & I still am. Everything always works out as it should. Sometimes the struggles are harder at times, but it really does work out. I've done the whole exercise thing before, I can do it again, I just need to be easier on myself emotionally. I know everyone else at the gym is just as self conscious as I am. They are thinking the same things I do. I have to get over myself.

Needless to say, I know where I am at, but I don't know where I am going, I just know which direction to take, which is perfectly fine with me. I have a long journey & want to see & do as much as I possibly can. I don't think I should rush things along. I've decided there isn't anything wrong with me other than me having unrealistic expectations of myself. I will continue to read & educate myself on eating, exercising, saving, anything you name it that helps me along in this big world. I kind of think of it as floating down a lazy river of life.

Happily,

Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com