Enemy

I am my own worst enemy. I sabotage myself. I let myself get defeated by myself. Some days it's easier to get over it, some days it's not.

I've had a lot on my mind. More things than people actually know, with the exception of one person. Every day I wrestle with self defeating thoughts. I usually refer to them as the "crazy lady in my head". Lately, for the past couple of months, she's been extremely vocal. I'd love to put a pillow over her face & smother her, but that's not going to happen.

Today I'm struggling with my own internal name calling & feelings of failure. This running or at least my attempts to run is showing me my weakness. I don't like it & I am having the thoughts of giving up before even starting. It's over whelming to me & add in the crazy lady & well, I want to seclude myself from everyone until I get it all figured out. Logically, that isn't possible so I have to continue on, wrestling & plugging along.

I know I shouldn't give up. I most likely won't. But I do feel the fears rising inside of me. I have to find a balance. Part of me wants to see how successful I will be this first 5K, then to do another & see how much more I accomplished & continue that cycle. Part of me can't get past the burn in my calves or the jiggles I feel that bring out all of my insecurities. That all makes me not want to put myself out there. I want it to be easy.

Work, in any capacity is difficult. I don't like it. I don't like when things are difficult. I suppose without work, no one would feel accomplished. No one would strive for more. Today is a tough day. There are a lot of things I want to give up on. I suppose I'm going to try to work through most of them. I'm not sure I can do it alone. I guess that crazy lady in my head will help me.

Elizabeth

Comfort

I've decided to step out of my comfort zone to help get me motivated. It was the only thing I could think of to do.

I've never really wanted to run. It just didn't seem like fun. But lately, I've been feeling very different about it & decided maybe it was time to try something new. So a couple of weeks ago while I was walking, I picked up the pace. I did a couple of small jogs within my walking. My lungs felt like they were going to explode. Of course, I realize this is going to take some work but I'm willing to put the time & effort in.

Last week, as my impending 27th birthday was approaching, I got to thinking that I needed a short term end goal. At work Patrice has been keeping us updated on a little girl named Jordan Yaros. Jordan & her family are friend's with Patrice's family. She has Ewings Sarcoma & just ent through 16 hours of surgery to remove the cancer from her leg. To help the family, 5K a walk/run has been set up for Jordan. I decided as a birthday present to myself I was going to sign up for Jordan's run & I did.

A few days before I signed up, I asked my friend Amy, who is a triathlete by the way, she just competed in the Ironman Lonestar, sent me this link for training called Couch to 5K .

I started it last Monday. It's very easy to follow. I feel confident I will be able to work the program & finish the run. My goal is to just to complete the run. I need to start somewhere. I figure after this run, I will choose a new goal. I was staggering in my exercise, I just couldn't get into it. My eating has been decent, I've noticed small body changes but I just couldn't get moving. This last week has been spent celebrating with food & I have to say, not the smartest decisions. My gut is still a wreck today.

I will post more information about the run as it gets closer. I'm going to have a fundraising site to help Jordan's family. I also have company to run with me. Elysia & Heather are going to do the run with me, we are a team & keep each other motivated. Yeah, it seems like a lot for a 5K but it will be my first ever. We are going to do some workouts together. If anyone else would like to join us in the Run for Jordan go here & sign up. I'm very excited to see my own progress. I can feel the benefits in my body, the areas running impacts. My abs are slightly sore & so is my bum. I'm conscious of my stride, I have to be. Because of the damage to my ankle, I have to be sure not to turn my right foot out or scuff it as I walk/jog. I focus very hard on maintaining a pace that I can work at but also I focus on my body & it's movement.

Stay tuned for my progess!!!!

Happily,

Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com

I'm a runner now

This week has been a great week. It's been the busiest work week so far. I'm in a good place mentally, even after the visit from the crazy emotional lady who lives in my head. I managed to beat her down, didn't use food either. Go me!!!

On Sunday morning I was up early starting to plan my day. I decided to take a walk. So I got ready to go, grabbed my headphones & went to Hardyston Park around the corner from me. It was a tad cool out but the sun was full & bright. I parked my car, got out & headed to the path. Got my play list ready to go & pumped the tunes. As I started my walk I started having a talk with myself. I reminded myself that when Donna convinced me I could do the cross trainer I didn't believe her. She promised me I could do it & would do it with me. I couldn't do 2 minutes. Honest. I thought my lungs were on fire. My calves hurt & I'm pretty sure you could see my heart pounding in my chest. I told Donna I hated it & was never doing it again. Yeah right. I found it as a challenge. So I set little mini goals for myself. At my peak exercise performance I could do 90 minutes on the cross trainer AFTER doing a full body lift for an hour. I had become one of "those" people. You know, a gym rat.

Anyway, as I was walking & talking to myself I came to realize I am capable.....of anything I want. I wanted to run. So I decided at that moment I was capable of running. Sure, I shattered my right ankle & broke 3 toes 9 years ago & my doctor told me that weight bearing activity would not be ideal for me. Hell, at 27 I was told an ankle replacement would be beneficial but no one would do it because of my age. But I wanted to run. So I did.

It wasn't far. I picked a starting point & finishing point & started a slow jog. I DID IT!!!! Granted, it wasn't far but I did it. I walked 2 complete laps (with self talking) before my jogs started. I did a total of 4 laps. Jay, my boyfriend for those of you who don't know him, guesstimates that each lap is roughly a mile or slightly under. Each little jog seemed to get easier. I was so proud of myself.

Later that night & the next day I could feel the after effects. My bum & backs of my thighs ached. The toes on my right foot & the ball of my foot were very sore. I'm hoping over time they adjust to the movement. I felt awesome. I still do. I can say I do realize how proper attire is needed & hope that my new sports bras come in soon. :D

So on top of my deciding to run, my eating has been well. Tonight was somewhat of a struggle but I worked through it. I decided to start utilizing free tools available online to help me track. I checked out 4 sites for calorie counting tools. I first looked at Shape Magazine's Virtual Trainer. I also looked at calorie-count.com, peertrainer.com & sparkpeople.com.

Each one looked easy to use & I chose to use the Virtual Trainer. I have included all the links for your convenience, should you wish to do your own tracking. I liked the Virtual Trainer because I planned out my food & exercise tomorrow & it tells me how much more I can or even possibly should eat. You can enter all of your stats & it helps you track measurements, weight etc. You can even add your own foods.

I'm really happy with myself today. I am capable of anything & reminded myself of it. We are all capable of anything, we just have to remember that. Draw on the strengths, success, positivity of those in your circles. Everyone in your life was put in there for a reason. Be thankful for all the great things they bring to you & bring out in you. Don't ever stop trying to be the best person you can absolutely be.

Happily,

Elizabeth
graingthroughlife@gmail.com

What Inspires You?

I decided I really needed to get over myself & the self pity I have had. Seriously. My life really isn't so bad. Sure, I struggle everyday with food choices & getting in exercise. Those "things" is probably the worst "things" I have challenging me. I'm a jerk. Yes, it's seems like I'm hard on myself & for good reason. Read on......

In order to get to my actual point, I need to digress a bit. You can expect that with me. I have stories within stories & pretty much a story for anything & everything. If you're a follower & regular reader you probably already love all my digressing!! Anyway....

I have a friend, Amy Moritz, from High School who is a journalist & writer. She is a very, very good one at that & I admire her quite a bit. I don't think she knows I always talk about her blogs or that I share them with my friends. I think what she has to say is important & valuable. Amy's writing always pertains to basic "things" - skills, feelings, abilities, etc. Her writing makes you say "yeah, I get it, makes sense" but it makes you feel capable & able. Anyone, athletically inclined or not can identify with what she writes about. Hopefully she realizes what an inspiration she is in so many ways by just being who she is. I'm going to share her blog, I feel it's a worthy read. Byline to the Finish Line is Amy's blog. Please read it. She really is a wonderful writer. I'm hoping she blogs about her story, what got her to where she is today. I know it, but it's her story to tell & it's a great one. Truly inspiring.

Amy's last blog, Motivation Born from Inspiration, really got me thinking. She wrote about Shad Ireland. Shad was inspired by the Ironman Triathlon. His story is amazing. Shad was diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Disease & then Associated Respiratory Distress Syndrome. At one point Shad was given 24 hours to live. His story is amazing to read. Shad did not allow his sicknesses to consume him. He decided he was going to complete an Ironman Triathlon. Notice I didn't say compete but I said complete? Yeah, that wasn't a typo. I can't get my butt in gear to do at least 30 minutes or exercise and a guy with major health issues decided to complete an Ironman......more than once.

As individuals we are hardest on ourselves, our own worst critics. What we fail to realize a lot of times is that we are capable, in fact, we are more than capable. I let little things totally derail & wreak me. Why? I don't know. Because I'm human? Because I fail to see my capabilities & abilities? Because I forget my accomplishments & where I've succeeded? In reality, I need to get out of my own head & stop sabotaging myself. I am the reason I succeed & I am the reason I fail. I need to take in all the positivity from what I read & the people I know & feed off of it. I can do anything & do it right. So what if I have to keep trying, I can keep trying. All we can do is keep trying, right?

Amy tweeted today that she was going to be running 14-16 miles today & that the temps were cool but it looked pretty. Running & happy it looked pretty. If that isn't a kick in the butt for some inspiration.........

Happily,

Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com

Well....

I'm still bummed over the other day. I think it has to do with being over tired. I'm in a funk. I'm having trouble pulling myself out of it. I think once my busy time at my real job is over & I get a little rest I will be able to get out of my funk.

My food choices are struggling, my exercise is lacking, although I got out & walked outside a couple of days. Saturday I had a kickass time at the YMCA but Sunday night really got to me. I just want to hide in bed under my covers. Where no one can get to me.

I've been battling with myself, having internal talks about my food choices. I think the inner conversations will always be a constant in my life. I am my own worst enemy. I always will be. I take too much to heart. I'm the hardest on myself & I beat myself up. The vicious cycle. I'm really hoping my head gets to that better place once it's rested. I don't think my thoughts are clear. I constantly replay "things" in my mind. How I would have handle things different. Something I could have said different. But instead I obsess, ultimately bringing me down.

Please bear with me as I work through what I need to. I know inside I am full of every capability but they just seem so far away. I'm digging & digging. I'm hoping to emerge triumphant. Keep your fingers crossed.....

Sleepily,

Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com

Sticks & Stones Can Break My Bones, But Names Can Never Hurt Me

That statement is untrue. Physical wounds heal. You can never EVER take words back. You can't erase them. They live on, sometimes like a broken record in someones head. They live on in my head.

I encountered that this evening. It wreaked me, to tears. I'm still very upset over it. It was something dumb & said by ignorant people. I was walking Hailey when I got home. I started a commotion with the dogs that live downstairs, they were barking like crazy. My neighbors had just gotten home & we were chatting in the parking lot & their dog was barking as well. Well, some of the locals, as I like to refer to them, were walking by. Through all the commotion they yelled to me asking if Hailey was a pit. I wasn't sure if I heard right, so I said what. The repeated & I answered no. So the need to make a comment about my weight was completely unnecessary. But yet they said it loud enough several times so it would be heard. Mind you, where I live, there are a lot of people in Capitol Care. These are people who live on their own but receive aid from the state. They don't hold regular jobs. They also have issues on other levels but I would never say something derogatory to them. Why would I? That's just wrong.

So now I have to continue on with their words in my head & fight the overwhelming need to cope as I normally do. Yes, I am overweight. What do I normally do to cope, I eat. Then after eating I feel like crap because I'm overweight & I just used food to cope. It's a vicious cycle. It's the cycle in my head. It's the battle I have with myself every single day. Lately I've been able to win the battles. Right now, it's difficult. Daily I struggle with making the right choices. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don't. Today, I don't feel like a winner. I feel like a complete loser.

I know I need to work on how I cope. It's probably something I need to talk about with my next session with Seth. I think partly the way I cope has become a habit. I have to break the habit. I try to find something else, a different way of coping. Right now, I need......something. But I don't have.......anything. I can't tell you that I will have resolved my crap feelings by tomorrow or the next day or even the next day. I don't know if they will be resolved anytime soon. I haven't even decided how I'm going to cope. I just know I am struggling with a very overwhelming need....

I usually put a positive spin on how I end my blogs. Today I can't. I apologize for that.

Not-So-Happily

Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com