I am my own worst enemy. I sabotage myself. I let myself get defeated by myself. Some days it's easier to get over it, some days it's not.
I've had a lot on my mind. More things than people actually know, with the exception of one person. Every day I wrestle with self defeating thoughts. I usually refer to them as the "crazy lady in my head". Lately, for the past couple of months, she's been extremely vocal. I'd love to put a pillow over her face & smother her, but that's not going to happen.
Today I'm struggling with my own internal name calling & feelings of failure. This running or at least my attempts to run is showing me my weakness. I don't like it & I am having the thoughts of giving up before even starting. It's over whelming to me & add in the crazy lady & well, I want to seclude myself from everyone until I get it all figured out. Logically, that isn't possible so I have to continue on, wrestling & plugging along.
I know I shouldn't give up. I most likely won't. But I do feel the fears rising inside of me. I have to find a balance. Part of me wants to see how successful I will be this first 5K, then to do another & see how much more I accomplished & continue that cycle. Part of me can't get past the burn in my calves or the jiggles I feel that bring out all of my insecurities. That all makes me not want to put myself out there. I want it to be easy.
Work, in any capacity is difficult. I don't like it. I don't like when things are difficult. I suppose without work, no one would feel accomplished. No one would strive for more. Today is a tough day. There are a lot of things I want to give up on. I suppose I'm going to try to work through most of them. I'm not sure I can do it alone. I guess that crazy lady in my head will help me.
Elizabeth
you know we all feel this way about our selves no matter what! You can think someone has it all together BUT really they have a better facade going that is all. Hang in there I think your challenge to yourself is awesome and I wish I had so much drive as you do!
ReplyDeleteIf it means anything you inspired me to make a small step and commitment that I wouldnt have made without you putting your self out here on a routine basis. I'm going to do the JP Chase Morgan Corporate challenge. Its short only 3.5 miles, and I am walking it with a co worker who is pregnant, but its a small step, thanks in part to you!
ReplyDeleteI have that same voice in my head... I would love for her to go away. I just wanted to thank you and say you can do it too!!!
Jules!