That statement is untrue. Physical wounds heal. You can never EVER take words back. You can't erase them. They live on, sometimes like a broken record in someones head. They live on in my head.
I encountered that this evening. It wreaked me, to tears. I'm still very upset over it. It was something dumb & said by ignorant people. I was walking Hailey when I got home. I started a commotion with the dogs that live downstairs, they were barking like crazy. My neighbors had just gotten home & we were chatting in the parking lot & their dog was barking as well. Well, some of the locals, as I like to refer to them, were walking by. Through all the commotion they yelled to me asking if Hailey was a pit. I wasn't sure if I heard right, so I said what. The repeated & I answered no. So the need to make a comment about my weight was completely unnecessary. But yet they said it loud enough several times so it would be heard. Mind you, where I live, there are a lot of people in Capitol Care. These are people who live on their own but receive aid from the state. They don't hold regular jobs. They also have issues on other levels but I would never say something derogatory to them. Why would I? That's just wrong.
So now I have to continue on with their words in my head & fight the overwhelming need to cope as I normally do. Yes, I am overweight. What do I normally do to cope, I eat. Then after eating I feel like crap because I'm overweight & I just used food to cope. It's a vicious cycle. It's the cycle in my head. It's the battle I have with myself every single day. Lately I've been able to win the battles. Right now, it's difficult. Daily I struggle with making the right choices. Sometimes I win, sometimes I don't. Today, I don't feel like a winner. I feel like a complete loser.
I know I need to work on how I cope. It's probably something I need to talk about with my next session with Seth. I think partly the way I cope has become a habit. I have to break the habit. I try to find something else, a different way of coping. Right now, I need......something. But I don't have.......anything. I can't tell you that I will have resolved my crap feelings by tomorrow or the next day or even the next day. I don't know if they will be resolved anytime soon. I haven't even decided how I'm going to cope. I just know I am struggling with a very overwhelming need....
I usually put a positive spin on how I end my blogs. Today I can't. I apologize for that.
Not-So-Happily
Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com
When I started menopause in 1999, I put on 50 lbs in a month and am still fighting to lose that weight. I have changed my diet drastically and I workout. I know that I am at least getting healthy, and no one else's opinion should matter, right?
ReplyDeleteLast summer my skinny wife was sick and wanted two different kinds of ice cream, so I ran to the store and got the ice cream and her favorite cookies. The cashier took one look at what I was buying and looked at me, and made that face- I know you know the one I mean.
I wish I could say I brushed it off. I wish I could say it made me angry that she would assume that just because I'm heavy it was all for me (not that it should have mattered...). But I held it together until I got home, gave my wife some ice cream and asked her not to send me to the store for a while. And then I cried. I don't know, I felt... second-class. I get it. I can't tell you how many guys think I will of course want to date them- because I'm heavy so I can't have standards? They don't even give me a chance to tell them I'm with someone before shooting themselves in the foot.
I love you, girl. I know what it's like to feel trapped in your body, and then struggle to accept it as is for your own sanity. I don't have a lot of advice, but I'll be thinking of you.
Maybe one tip... while I was trying to break my habit of "comfort food" I would suck on cubes of frozen peaches instead of eating when I felt triggered. It takes so long for it to melt, I would only have like one actual peach slice. It worked for me.
::hugs:: Sarah E. (from LHS)
I know it's going to be hard to internalize this when you're hurting this bad, but what they said says nothing about you and everything about them.
ReplyDeleteI don't always catch your blogs or know how to comment on them when I do..I saw one on fb today tried to comment then had to do all this stuff and it lead me to here, still don't know if my other comment showed up BUT I guess this is where I was supposed to end up! Heather is so right saying it is about them and not you, but I know that doesn't make it hurt less.
ReplyDeleteBUT, you are an amazing person inside and out and the people in your life love you no matter how you look because it is your heart and soul that is attractive, even if you were the skinniest most gorgeous version of what you think you should be, you wouldn't be any more attractive than u are now b/c your inside would still be you! And like Heather said those scumbags would still be scumbags and would have made a different remark still not nice, they have no value not you!
I Love You!
from Stacy