Not Today

Today was a day I never thought would come. I was planning a different topic, but that will have to wait.

Today will be starting the test of my emotional strength. Well, maybe tomorrow. Today, I get to be weak.

I was laid off from my job today. It was completely unexpected. Yes, there have been a lot of changes going on. Positive changes. I had asked repeatedly if my job was going to be affected to please give me notice, I can't be left without a job. That did't happen. The bomb was dropped at 8:30am. Yes, the economy is bad & a lot of people have job woes. My layoff was not due to that. It could have been avoided if better choices & decisions were made but those things were based on emotions & obligatory duties, not on facts.

Between Hailey, the boy & I, I'm the only one bringing in money. Everything falls to me. I struggle to make my ends meet & live paycheck to paycheck as it is. I have cut every possible thing I could. I am devastated. I honestly don't know what to do.

But today is not the day where I need to figure everything out. I get today to wallow in self pity. I get today to see my "friends" if I choose to. I get today to sit & cry. Because I have to let my fears out. I have to let my panic out. If I hold it in or pretend to be strong, it will fail, I will fail. It all has to come out.

Tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow will be based on refocusing. Tomorrow will be calming my fears. Tomorrow will be spent doing my resume & calming my anxiety at the Y. I will clean, a lot, & spend time with Hailey & the boy. If I don't get my frame of mind right, I will not be successful in looking toward a positive direction. Today I just can't do it. I need to let the dust settle. I'm taking the rest of the afternoon off from good choices & positive thinking. I just can't function. My brain hurts way too much at the moment.

Sadly,

Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com