Poisoned

I poisoned myself today. Well my mind actually.

I went to the Y & when I got home, I was flipping through the channels & this TV show called "I Used to Be Fat" on MTV was on. It's a show where kids (18 years old) want to lose weight, so they have 110 days to work with a trainer to get in shape & lose weight. So I started watching it.

I don't know if it was a good thing to do or a bad thing.

I can't tell if I feel like crap or if I feel motivated. I'm shocked at some of the things I heard.

One father told his daughter that even though her face was pretty, in order to find a husband she needed to have a good body. That the first thing guys look at is a woman's body. Is this true?

Another boy wanted to get thin just so his girlfriend would marry him. They ended up breaking up because his workouts were taking time away from their relationship.

This has all caused me to think. Thinking, especially lately, is really bad when I don't have a job & have so much time on my hands. I'm also a little emotional this week.

Would my dad love me more or would he take a bigger interest in me if I were thin? I know Jay loves me, but would our relationship be different if I were thin? I think it would. He has a motorcycle, which I've never ridden on. Part of me is afraid to ride but I don't think with how I am, how I look, my size, it would work. That's something we don't share together.

Is it right to want to be healthy to lead a better life or to want to be thin to be loved and accepted? Which is right?

Right now, I question myself & the actual reasons I work at eating right & exercising.

I need to find some clarity. Maybe if I stop watching this show it might help.