Very Early

It's Saturday & I am up very early. Well, I was. It's now 7:10am. I had some odd thoughts this morning & don't know why. I had about 3 minutes of tears & I am not sure if they were sad tears, angry tears or a combination of both. I'm sure I will figure it out. Before I get to the "meat" I need to add a little disclaimer.

** When reading this post and the things I talk about, it's strictly for comparison. In no way, do I have anger towards or blame my brother, Joey. It's also probably the first time he will be reading & learning about some of my thoughts & feelings. I don't mean for it to be hurtful to him or want him to feel guilty, again, it really doesn't have to do with him. I love & care for him very much and I don't think there is anything in this world that will change that. **

Has anyone ever noticed that I never mention or talk about my dad? To those who know me on Facebook, have you ever noticed that the only parent who I visit or who comes to see me is my mom? Well, for those who may have noticed, I don't talk to my dad. I stopped talking & visiting him at the end of 2003.

I saw him when I went home for Joey's wedding. I said hello to him & introduced Jay when he "ironically" showed up at the bar we were having wings at. That was the most I said to my dad in years. He has asked my mom why I don't talk to him & in fairness, she has told him to ask me. It's obviously not that big of a deal because he's never asked me. In fact, he "claims" that when he tries calling me on my cell phone, he gets a message that the number is disconnected. Really? Because I've had the same number since 2001. I know this because Joey has told me this. What I don't think occurs to Joey is we text & talk, using that same number. I think Joey might be in denial about some things between my dad & I, which is ok.

Please understand I don't hate or dislike my dad. He's actually pretty funny & really smart. I feel very sad & sorry for him for a lot of reasons. I think my grandmother messed him & my aunts up. She wasn't very nice. I mean, she actually told my Aunt Leslie that she never wanted her or my Aunt Donna (who she referred to as the black haired bitch), it was my grandfather that wanted a big family. Nice, right? My grandmother told me that she could have married a rich man, but married my grandfather instead. For those of you who ever met my grandfather. He was the most awesome grandfather ever. Too bad for him he didn't marry someone as awesome as him. From what I understand, my dad wanted to be a gym teacher. Knowing him, he would have been awesome at that. Guess what? As I understand it, my grandmother told my dad he would never make anything of himself. So after he finished college he went to work at Harrison Radiators, from which he retired from. How sad for him. Sure, we had a home that I grew up in & moved out of when I was 24 & for the most part life was pretty stable, so I thought, but he didn't do what made him happy.

With those few things I've told you about my grandmother, of course it makes sense why my dad might have issues. I don't blame him, but life is about choices. He could have made different choices.

My dad never apologized. If he hurt my feelings or upset me, he'd toss me $20 as his way of apologizing. I could have cared less about the money. Just tell me you're sorry. It's easier and cheaper.

Ironically, when I got older and was in my relationship with my ex, there was very little love & affection between us. Kind of like my relationship with my dad. There is a difference between taking care of someone & being taken care of. Basic necessities were provided. Love, affection & learning how a man is supposed to treat a woman were not. What did I do? I chose someone who treated exactly like my dad did. As sad as it is for me to say, but in the 4 years I spent in Seth's office, I had to learn how a man is supposed to treat a woman. At age 29 I had to start learning this. How sad for me.

My actual last conversation with my dad was on December 26, 2003. It was to tell him I was engaged. All he said was "that's great" and he changed the subject. He never said any of the things a dad should say when it comes to something like that. Needless to say, he didn't contribute to my wedding & he wasn't invited. Neither was Joey. Not that it matters now, since I'm divorced anyway.

I would still send my dad a birthday card, a father's day card & Christmas presents. He never sent me anything. I didn't get a card for my 30th birthday. Just because I didn't talk to him, I wouldn't forget about him. Obviously he didn't feel the same. Seth told me it's typical of children to not acknowledge a parent but for a parent to not acknowledge a child, well, that's messed up. I can't tell you how many times Seth would tell me he couldn't understand why my own dad would be like that, because I'm the most considerate and thoughtful daughter anyone could ever want. I don't send my dad anything now, there isn't any reason to.

Back in 2001, when I had my car accident, that landed me in the hospital for major surgery to repair the damage, my mom was the only one who came to be with me, not both of my parents. Why? Well, my dad told me he couldn't take the time off of work. Ok, dad, I understand. Mind you, I don't have any family in NJ. I ended up going home for a few months because I had to go to regular doctor appointments & my ex or his family just were available to help (or going to make themselves available either). Somewhere either in that time I was home or shortly after, I don't remember exactly (I've blocked a lot of things, details from my memory) my brother was moving to Arizona. My dad took time off of work to drive Joey out there & was going to fly back. Because he was giving Joey a car. I thought you couldn't take time off of work dad? Remember, you told me that when I was laying in a hospital bed, alone & doped up on Morphine waiting for mom to get there? Which, why did Joey get a car? You never gave me a car? How come he got one & I didn't? Let me remind you dad, I'm the first born. Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean one of us should have gotten special treatment over the other. Oh, wait. I forgot. The ONE time you visited me and you brought me a USED pan because you thought I might like it to cook with. Thanks. Was THAT my "car"? By the way, the ex has that pan. I didn't keep it.

I will never say my dad doesn't love me because I don't believe that. I just don't think he's capable of showing any emotion towards me & seeing how great I am and the awesome person I have become. He will never see how strong I am, emotionally & physically. I'm sad for him because he's missing out. He missed out on a lot of great things & will probably miss out on more great things.

I know, this is part of what makes me who I am. It is what had shaped me to be the person I am and to make changes and to grow and become even more awesome.

:)