Confusion

I will be the first person to admit that my way of coping is by eating. When I cope I tend to binge eat so that would also make me a binge eater. I don't know why that is my way of coping but it's what I do. Most of the time it's done in secret. Kinda like if no one sees me then I didn't really do it.

I have a lot of insecurities in my personal life lately. I don't know why but I do. The crazy lady in my head is really active all of a sudden. I'm stressed with work, my budget, how much life Bonne the Bonnevile has left in her, among other things.

My budget has been so tight that I haven't been able to cope MY way. I've also worked really hard at not being a total jerk to the people around me. When I cope (eat, binge eat, shovel food in), I get such a sense of elation at that moment. I feel relaxed, my eyes kind of close, it's delicious.

I know when my next payday is. I've done nothing but think about the fun yummy happy foods I'm going to get, or at least I'm planning to get. But something is happening. I suppose it's good something. I can't bring myself to get what I need to feel better. It's almost as if I am physically bound from getting my happy foods. I don't know why.

I want to cry because for some reason I just can't cope as I always have. Sure, it means I've made some progress somewhere, heck, a lot of progress, but I still want to cry. It's as if there is a void. I want to fill the void, but don't know how or with what, if there is a what. Maybe crying will fill that void. Maybe crying will make me feel better, a release.

I'm torn.....I don't have the means to cope as I would like to at the moment but if I did have a way, I wouldn't be able to do it. Oddly, both of those things make me very very sad. If you don't have coping issues, you probably don't understand. On more than one occasion when I've had a bad day I usually say I need chips or wings, since those are my coping/binge staples. I can say it now, but it doesn't sound the same. I'm not getting that excited feeling inside. I'm kind of "eh" about it.

I feel as though I have multiple personalities over this issue. Having a discussion (with the crazy lady) about how I will feel better, or I deserve it, is weird. Now, I can't justify any of it. I really should be happy, but I'm not.

Confused,

Elizabeth
grazingthroughlife@gmail.com