Yes, I said it. Fiber is my FRENEMY. Why? Because when I have my servings of fruits & vegetables and my water, it wreaks havoc on my intestines. I should be thankful the plumbing, in my house & me is working properly.
I'm sore after Cardio Pump yesterday. The good kind of sore. I will be taking it again in the more & I'm really looking forward to it.
Oh a good note, my weigh in today has me down 1.7lbs, which I'm pleased about. Like I said, I had a much better week. So far, today has been great food wise. I'm sure after all the fiber I've had & the amount of times I've been in the bathroom this evening I'm probably down even more. HAHAHA
Here's to a great day today!!
:)
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Walnuts
So I tried the cardio pump class today. This little thing of a muscle lead the class. It's pretty packed too. We needed to get a step (to use at whatever height we felt comfortable with), 2 sets of weights, light & heavy, a weight bar & a rubber band thing.
It was like a club with the music. It was non stop, for an hour. By the time I was done, I was as sweaty as I am when I get off the elliptical after an hour. I liked the class a lot. I won't be able to walk......ever again......but I did enjoy it.
I learned some new exercises with the weight bars that I can do at home for my legs, I liked that. Basically, it seemed as though we did squats for an hour. At the end, when we were on the floor doing some hamstring work, I couldn't do it, things started seizing up. But I'm pretty sure I can crack a walnut open with my inner thighs now :)
I did impress myself by doing dips on my step with my weight bar. I've never done actual dips before & I'm pretty happy I was capable. Look at that, I am capable.
I will probably continue with the class. It's free & I get a double workout, weights & cardio. Plus, I'd like to see how I advance, use heavier weights, make the step higher, not have to rest at times. Plus, the lady who was leading had a nice butt & that's how I want my butt to look. I'm pretty sure it's from all the squats & squat type exercises we did. Leg press, squats, lunges, those are all exercises that get your butt looking nice. You have to put the work in, you don't get it by wearing special "sneakers".
I have some free passes, if anyone wants to try the class. You're welcome to come with me.
I'm going to try to do some vacuuming & a little cleaning. I haven't moved since I got home. I'm hoping to be able to get into the shower too ;)
It was like a club with the music. It was non stop, for an hour. By the time I was done, I was as sweaty as I am when I get off the elliptical after an hour. I liked the class a lot. I won't be able to walk......ever again......but I did enjoy it.
I learned some new exercises with the weight bars that I can do at home for my legs, I liked that. Basically, it seemed as though we did squats for an hour. At the end, when we were on the floor doing some hamstring work, I couldn't do it, things started seizing up. But I'm pretty sure I can crack a walnut open with my inner thighs now :)
I did impress myself by doing dips on my step with my weight bar. I've never done actual dips before & I'm pretty happy I was capable. Look at that, I am capable.
I will probably continue with the class. It's free & I get a double workout, weights & cardio. Plus, I'd like to see how I advance, use heavier weights, make the step higher, not have to rest at times. Plus, the lady who was leading had a nice butt & that's how I want my butt to look. I'm pretty sure it's from all the squats & squat type exercises we did. Leg press, squats, lunges, those are all exercises that get your butt looking nice. You have to put the work in, you don't get it by wearing special "sneakers".
I have some free passes, if anyone wants to try the class. You're welcome to come with me.
I'm going to try to do some vacuuming & a little cleaning. I haven't moved since I got home. I'm hoping to be able to get into the shower too ;)
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Better Day
I'm feeling better today. Well, just a little. Yes, I'm still insecure. I don't think that will ever go away. I suppose I could TRY to stop worrying or planning everything out. I think my insecurities have to do with control, well, lack of control, meaning I can't control everything. It's hard not to worry about things.
Tomorrow, I'm going to take a Cardio Pump class at the Y. The description: A full body workout that combines intervals of cardiovascular and strength training exercises. Use of weights, tubing, bars, steps, and balls will all be incorporated into this energizing class. I have a slight fear I might not be able to move later on in the day. The class is offered twice a week. If I like it (and survive it) I will take it again on Tuesday.
On Friday I will be trying a class called Triple Threat, again, providing I survive Cardio Pump. The description: Hardcore circuit class including sculpting and cardio. Of course, I will give you detailed descriptions of these classes.
I'm really hoping that they get me back into lifting weights. I only do cardio right now. I really need to start building up my lean muscle. As a reminder: LEAN MUSCLE BURNS FAT MORE EFFECTIVELY. That's why men lose weight faster than women, they have more muscle mass naturally than women do. Mind you, I don't want to bulk up, I want to tone up. Lifting weights is good for you, your body will like it. Trust me. Go ahead & try it.
I'm not sure if you all know, but I'm still looking for a job. It's very frustrating & discouraging to send out my resume, often, and to not hear back from anyone. My resume is kick ass, if I may sound a little arrogant for a moment. I've also figured out the least I could make to survive at a better rate than I am trying to right now on unemployment. I'm sure that not working doesn't help my insecurities as well as my self worth. I'm currently wrestling with the decision to start looking for a job in Manhattan. There are a lot of jobs, that pay a lot more than local jobs do. It's just the thought of commuting. The long hours & leaving my Hailey girl inside for so long. Living alone doesn't help that. I used to go into NYC (all 5 boroughs) at an old job. But I had to travel throughout them all over, so I know what it's like. The thought of working in an office, daily makes it seem a bit more doable. I also realize that working long hours really will affect my exercise & eating habits & I don't know if I want to compromise that either. I have to make a list of pros & cons & really weigh things out, what's important.
I'm not sure if my fingers will work after Cardio Pump tomorrow, if they do, I will tell you all about it. If they don't work until Monday, then you will hear about it on Monday with my weigh in update.
:)
Tomorrow, I'm going to take a Cardio Pump class at the Y. The description: A full body workout that combines intervals of cardiovascular and strength training exercises. Use of weights, tubing, bars, steps, and balls will all be incorporated into this energizing class. I have a slight fear I might not be able to move later on in the day. The class is offered twice a week. If I like it (and survive it) I will take it again on Tuesday.
On Friday I will be trying a class called Triple Threat, again, providing I survive Cardio Pump. The description: Hardcore circuit class including sculpting and cardio. Of course, I will give you detailed descriptions of these classes.
I'm really hoping that they get me back into lifting weights. I only do cardio right now. I really need to start building up my lean muscle. As a reminder: LEAN MUSCLE BURNS FAT MORE EFFECTIVELY. That's why men lose weight faster than women, they have more muscle mass naturally than women do. Mind you, I don't want to bulk up, I want to tone up. Lifting weights is good for you, your body will like it. Trust me. Go ahead & try it.
I'm not sure if you all know, but I'm still looking for a job. It's very frustrating & discouraging to send out my resume, often, and to not hear back from anyone. My resume is kick ass, if I may sound a little arrogant for a moment. I've also figured out the least I could make to survive at a better rate than I am trying to right now on unemployment. I'm sure that not working doesn't help my insecurities as well as my self worth. I'm currently wrestling with the decision to start looking for a job in Manhattan. There are a lot of jobs, that pay a lot more than local jobs do. It's just the thought of commuting. The long hours & leaving my Hailey girl inside for so long. Living alone doesn't help that. I used to go into NYC (all 5 boroughs) at an old job. But I had to travel throughout them all over, so I know what it's like. The thought of working in an office, daily makes it seem a bit more doable. I also realize that working long hours really will affect my exercise & eating habits & I don't know if I want to compromise that either. I have to make a list of pros & cons & really weigh things out, what's important.
I'm not sure if my fingers will work after Cardio Pump tomorrow, if they do, I will tell you all about it. If they don't work until Monday, then you will hear about it on Monday with my weigh in update.
:)
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Insecurities
I figured out why I haven't really been tracking or making the best choices.
I'm insecure.
Dues to my "womanly time" last week & the influx of hormones, that really played up my insecurities.
I'm pretty sure my insecurities have impacted my feelings the last few weeks.
I know there are some things I need to address. I don't quite know how to do it. I haven't found my words yet. I'm afraid of the answers I might get. I don't want to be hurtful. It's a lot of things. So rather than deal with what I need to, to get the answers I need to diminish my insecurities, I've been covering everything up by picking & snacking & not making good choices.
I'm a food coper. This is who I am. I do not cope with food like I used to. I'm considerably "better" but I am not perfect. I don't know if I ever will be perfect. Right now, it's helping me get through until I am ready.
Yes, I'm conscious of it. Sure, I can do my best to avoid food coping. Sometimes it doesn't always work.
I am a work in progress.
I'm insecure.
Dues to my "womanly time" last week & the influx of hormones, that really played up my insecurities.
I'm pretty sure my insecurities have impacted my feelings the last few weeks.
I know there are some things I need to address. I don't quite know how to do it. I haven't found my words yet. I'm afraid of the answers I might get. I don't want to be hurtful. It's a lot of things. So rather than deal with what I need to, to get the answers I need to diminish my insecurities, I've been covering everything up by picking & snacking & not making good choices.
I'm a food coper. This is who I am. I do not cope with food like I used to. I'm considerably "better" but I am not perfect. I don't know if I ever will be perfect. Right now, it's helping me get through until I am ready.
Yes, I'm conscious of it. Sure, I can do my best to avoid food coping. Sometimes it doesn't always work.
I am a work in progress.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Effing Snow
It snowed last night, after we had that luscious taste of spring. I know, I grew up with snow, much much MUCH worse than this, but I moved south for a reason. Guess I didn't move far enough south ;)
No beating around it. I had another gain. 1.7lbs. Wooootttt!!! It was comfort food week, any girl knows what that means. Also, I forgot I could have all my comforts if I accounted for them. I didn't account for them. I also didn't really drink my water. I'm feeling that. My face has felt puffy all week when I got up each morning. I know, my mistakes, my gain. I've accepted 7 moved on.
Today starts a new week. I'm back working toward getting on track!
Have a good one!
No beating around it. I had another gain. 1.7lbs. Wooootttt!!! It was comfort food week, any girl knows what that means. Also, I forgot I could have all my comforts if I accounted for them. I didn't account for them. I also didn't really drink my water. I'm feeling that. My face has felt puffy all week when I got up each morning. I know, my mistakes, my gain. I've accepted 7 moved on.
Today starts a new week. I'm back working toward getting on track!
Have a good one!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Poisoned
I poisoned myself today. Well my mind actually.
I went to the Y & when I got home, I was flipping through the channels & this TV show called "I Used to Be Fat" on MTV was on. It's a show where kids (18 years old) want to lose weight, so they have 110 days to work with a trainer to get in shape & lose weight. So I started watching it.
I don't know if it was a good thing to do or a bad thing.
I can't tell if I feel like crap or if I feel motivated. I'm shocked at some of the things I heard.
One father told his daughter that even though her face was pretty, in order to find a husband she needed to have a good body. That the first thing guys look at is a woman's body. Is this true?
Another boy wanted to get thin just so his girlfriend would marry him. They ended up breaking up because his workouts were taking time away from their relationship.
This has all caused me to think. Thinking, especially lately, is really bad when I don't have a job & have so much time on my hands. I'm also a little emotional this week.
Would my dad love me more or would he take a bigger interest in me if I were thin? I know Jay loves me, but would our relationship be different if I were thin? I think it would. He has a motorcycle, which I've never ridden on. Part of me is afraid to ride but I don't think with how I am, how I look, my size, it would work. That's something we don't share together.
Is it right to want to be healthy to lead a better life or to want to be thin to be loved and accepted? Which is right?
Right now, I question myself & the actual reasons I work at eating right & exercising.
I need to find some clarity. Maybe if I stop watching this show it might help.
I went to the Y & when I got home, I was flipping through the channels & this TV show called "I Used to Be Fat" on MTV was on. It's a show where kids (18 years old) want to lose weight, so they have 110 days to work with a trainer to get in shape & lose weight. So I started watching it.
I don't know if it was a good thing to do or a bad thing.
I can't tell if I feel like crap or if I feel motivated. I'm shocked at some of the things I heard.
One father told his daughter that even though her face was pretty, in order to find a husband she needed to have a good body. That the first thing guys look at is a woman's body. Is this true?
Another boy wanted to get thin just so his girlfriend would marry him. They ended up breaking up because his workouts were taking time away from their relationship.
This has all caused me to think. Thinking, especially lately, is really bad when I don't have a job & have so much time on my hands. I'm also a little emotional this week.
Would my dad love me more or would he take a bigger interest in me if I were thin? I know Jay loves me, but would our relationship be different if I were thin? I think it would. He has a motorcycle, which I've never ridden on. Part of me is afraid to ride but I don't think with how I am, how I look, my size, it would work. That's something we don't share together.
Is it right to want to be healthy to lead a better life or to want to be thin to be loved and accepted? Which is right?
Right now, I question myself & the actual reasons I work at eating right & exercising.
I need to find some clarity. Maybe if I stop watching this show it might help.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Four Words
I went to the Y this morning & I've decided to modify what I've been doing. I am a cross trainer junkie. It's my preference to do cardio. I know I've explained I like to work hard, burning 100 calories every 8 minutes. Sometimes I burn more calories than that when I'm working. Today I decided to keep things moderate, for me. I didn't set the intensity as high as usual. I just kept a moderate pace for an hour. My heart rate stayed between 118-121. I didn't even need to breathe with my mouth open. I did break a sweat though. It was nice & pleasant, if you can call any kind of exercise nice & pleasant ;)
Anyway, I have more to it than that. Last night a friend of mine told me she needed to refocus and asked me if I would move closer to her. My suggestion to her was to pick one thing to stick with today to help getting back on track. I suggested something simple like getting all her water in or all her servings of fruit. See, I don't feel that you have to make every single change all at the same time. I think that will set anyone up for failure because it's hard. Since learning to eat right, with moderation & good choices & exercising & living life, well something will give. I've suggested it before to other people. Pick one thing & stick with it & when it becomes a "natural" occurrence, add in something else. Just keep doing that & eventually everything will fall into place. Well, I hope it does :D I've been told by more than one person I offer inspiration. Wow! I think it's awesome, but I feel a little unnerved. I don't want to let anyone down!!
Yes, I've been doing well on WW this time around. My mind is different. I think that's why. The difference? I stopped beating myself up if I want something or have something. Yes, I still over indulge, but it isn't like it used to be. I make sure to exercise if I want something extra or "special". I've been making it a point to always have my water. Why should you feel bad for having something that isn't "ideal"? Life is about moderation.
A few years ago, on my birthday, my friend Wendy gave me a set of glasses. Some of you actually know Wendy, but only one of my friends & me have had her as a WW leader. Wendy is awesome in general. Wendy as a WW leader - AMAZING!! She's so easy to talk to & so honest & just wonderful. Anyway, I took pictures of the glasses she gave me. They have writing on them. They aren't filled with juice, but water I colored with food coloring. The writing didn't show up other wise.
Excuse how the images are placed. I lack some skill in this area.
Soar, Imagine, Believe, Inspire. That's what they say. They have been in my cabinet since she gave them to me. Those four words are all something we should aspire to.
If you take anything away from what I post take this: Know that you aren't alone. I understand how you're feeling. I know how hard any kind of struggle is and knowing that you aren't alone, makes it just a little less lonesome. I'm fortunate & very grateful that I have the strong, wonderful and amazing people that have come into my life. Not everyone has that. Well, not anymore.....
Now, with that said, if anyone needs to "talk" you can email me at grazingthroughlife@gmail.com. We can start there. If you need to vent about struggles, tell me about your success, tell me how beautiful the blue sky is today, send it to me. This way you know you are never alone in your journey.
:)
Anyway, I have more to it than that. Last night a friend of mine told me she needed to refocus and asked me if I would move closer to her. My suggestion to her was to pick one thing to stick with today to help getting back on track. I suggested something simple like getting all her water in or all her servings of fruit. See, I don't feel that you have to make every single change all at the same time. I think that will set anyone up for failure because it's hard. Since learning to eat right, with moderation & good choices & exercising & living life, well something will give. I've suggested it before to other people. Pick one thing & stick with it & when it becomes a "natural" occurrence, add in something else. Just keep doing that & eventually everything will fall into place. Well, I hope it does :D I've been told by more than one person I offer inspiration. Wow! I think it's awesome, but I feel a little unnerved. I don't want to let anyone down!!
Yes, I've been doing well on WW this time around. My mind is different. I think that's why. The difference? I stopped beating myself up if I want something or have something. Yes, I still over indulge, but it isn't like it used to be. I make sure to exercise if I want something extra or "special". I've been making it a point to always have my water. Why should you feel bad for having something that isn't "ideal"? Life is about moderation.
A few years ago, on my birthday, my friend Wendy gave me a set of glasses. Some of you actually know Wendy, but only one of my friends & me have had her as a WW leader. Wendy is awesome in general. Wendy as a WW leader - AMAZING!! She's so easy to talk to & so honest & just wonderful. Anyway, I took pictures of the glasses she gave me. They have writing on them. They aren't filled with juice, but water I colored with food coloring. The writing didn't show up other wise.
Excuse how the images are placed. I lack some skill in this area.
Soar, Imagine, Believe, Inspire. That's what they say. They have been in my cabinet since she gave them to me. Those four words are all something we should aspire to.
If you take anything away from what I post take this: Know that you aren't alone. I understand how you're feeling. I know how hard any kind of struggle is and knowing that you aren't alone, makes it just a little less lonesome. I'm fortunate & very grateful that I have the strong, wonderful and amazing people that have come into my life. Not everyone has that. Well, not anymore.....
Now, with that said, if anyone needs to "talk" you can email me at grazingthroughlife@gmail.com. We can start there. If you need to vent about struggles, tell me about your success, tell me how beautiful the blue sky is today, send it to me. This way you know you are never alone in your journey.
:)
Monday, February 14, 2011
Gain
So it's Monday & I wanted to update you. I'm happy to report that I had a gain this week. A 1.4lb gain. That's right & I'm happy about it too.
I could say "I don't know what happened", "why me", or some other phrase but I won't. See, I didn't properly track & I am a bit bloated, girls times are acomin'.
I'm 100% accountable for any loss or gain. I'm not sad, I'm happy. Why? Because I can admit I didn't do the right things: track or exercise. That is all ok. I'm human & as WW puts it, it's a journey.
I will get there.
It's a new week & time to regroup. I'm still down 11.1lbs. I've had a good day today.
:)
I could say "I don't know what happened", "why me", or some other phrase but I won't. See, I didn't properly track & I am a bit bloated, girls times are acomin'.
I'm 100% accountable for any loss or gain. I'm not sad, I'm happy. Why? Because I can admit I didn't do the right things: track or exercise. That is all ok. I'm human & as WW puts it, it's a journey.
I will get there.
It's a new week & time to regroup. I'm still down 11.1lbs. I've had a good day today.
:)
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Very Early
It's Saturday & I am up very early. Well, I was. It's now 7:10am. I had some odd thoughts this morning & don't know why. I had about 3 minutes of tears & I am not sure if they were sad tears, angry tears or a combination of both. I'm sure I will figure it out. Before I get to the "meat" I need to add a little disclaimer.
** When reading this post and the things I talk about, it's strictly for comparison. In no way, do I have anger towards or blame my brother, Joey. It's also probably the first time he will be reading & learning about some of my thoughts & feelings. I don't mean for it to be hurtful to him or want him to feel guilty, again, it really doesn't have to do with him. I love & care for him very much and I don't think there is anything in this world that will change that. **
Has anyone ever noticed that I never mention or talk about my dad? To those who know me on Facebook, have you ever noticed that the only parent who I visit or who comes to see me is my mom? Well, for those who may have noticed, I don't talk to my dad. I stopped talking & visiting him at the end of 2003.
I saw him when I went home for Joey's wedding. I said hello to him & introduced Jay when he "ironically" showed up at the bar we were having wings at. That was the most I said to my dad in years. He has asked my mom why I don't talk to him & in fairness, she has told him to ask me. It's obviously not that big of a deal because he's never asked me. In fact, he "claims" that when he tries calling me on my cell phone, he gets a message that the number is disconnected. Really? Because I've had the same number since 2001. I know this because Joey has told me this. What I don't think occurs to Joey is we text & talk, using that same number. I think Joey might be in denial about some things between my dad & I, which is ok.
Please understand I don't hate or dislike my dad. He's actually pretty funny & really smart. I feel very sad & sorry for him for a lot of reasons. I think my grandmother messed him & my aunts up. She wasn't very nice. I mean, she actually told my Aunt Leslie that she never wanted her or my Aunt Donna (who she referred to as the black haired bitch), it was my grandfather that wanted a big family. Nice, right? My grandmother told me that she could have married a rich man, but married my grandfather instead. For those of you who ever met my grandfather. He was the most awesome grandfather ever. Too bad for him he didn't marry someone as awesome as him. From what I understand, my dad wanted to be a gym teacher. Knowing him, he would have been awesome at that. Guess what? As I understand it, my grandmother told my dad he would never make anything of himself. So after he finished college he went to work at Harrison Radiators, from which he retired from. How sad for him. Sure, we had a home that I grew up in & moved out of when I was 24 & for the most part life was pretty stable, so I thought, but he didn't do what made him happy.
With those few things I've told you about my grandmother, of course it makes sense why my dad might have issues. I don't blame him, but life is about choices. He could have made different choices.
My dad never apologized. If he hurt my feelings or upset me, he'd toss me $20 as his way of apologizing. I could have cared less about the money. Just tell me you're sorry. It's easier and cheaper.
Ironically, when I got older and was in my relationship with my ex, there was very little love & affection between us. Kind of like my relationship with my dad. There is a difference between taking care of someone & being taken care of. Basic necessities were provided. Love, affection & learning how a man is supposed to treat a woman were not. What did I do? I chose someone who treated exactly like my dad did. As sad as it is for me to say, but in the 4 years I spent in Seth's office, I had to learn how a man is supposed to treat a woman. At age 29 I had to start learning this. How sad for me.
My actual last conversation with my dad was on December 26, 2003. It was to tell him I was engaged. All he said was "that's great" and he changed the subject. He never said any of the things a dad should say when it comes to something like that. Needless to say, he didn't contribute to my wedding & he wasn't invited. Neither was Joey. Not that it matters now, since I'm divorced anyway.
I would still send my dad a birthday card, a father's day card & Christmas presents. He never sent me anything. I didn't get a card for my 30th birthday. Just because I didn't talk to him, I wouldn't forget about him. Obviously he didn't feel the same. Seth told me it's typical of children to not acknowledge a parent but for a parent to not acknowledge a child, well, that's messed up. I can't tell you how many times Seth would tell me he couldn't understand why my own dad would be like that, because I'm the most considerate and thoughtful daughter anyone could ever want. I don't send my dad anything now, there isn't any reason to.
Back in 2001, when I had my car accident, that landed me in the hospital for major surgery to repair the damage, my mom was the only one who came to be with me, not both of my parents. Why? Well, my dad told me he couldn't take the time off of work. Ok, dad, I understand. Mind you, I don't have any family in NJ. I ended up going home for a few months because I had to go to regular doctor appointments & my ex or his family just were available to help (or going to make themselves available either). Somewhere either in that time I was home or shortly after, I don't remember exactly (I've blocked a lot of things, details from my memory) my brother was moving to Arizona. My dad took time off of work to drive Joey out there & was going to fly back. Because he was giving Joey a car. I thought you couldn't take time off of work dad? Remember, you told me that when I was laying in a hospital bed, alone & doped up on Morphine waiting for mom to get there? Which, why did Joey get a car? You never gave me a car? How come he got one & I didn't? Let me remind you dad, I'm the first born. Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean one of us should have gotten special treatment over the other. Oh, wait. I forgot. The ONE time you visited me and you brought me a USED pan because you thought I might like it to cook with. Thanks. Was THAT my "car"? By the way, the ex has that pan. I didn't keep it.
I will never say my dad doesn't love me because I don't believe that. I just don't think he's capable of showing any emotion towards me & seeing how great I am and the awesome person I have become. He will never see how strong I am, emotionally & physically. I'm sad for him because he's missing out. He missed out on a lot of great things & will probably miss out on more great things.
I know, this is part of what makes me who I am. It is what had shaped me to be the person I am and to make changes and to grow and become even more awesome.
:)
** When reading this post and the things I talk about, it's strictly for comparison. In no way, do I have anger towards or blame my brother, Joey. It's also probably the first time he will be reading & learning about some of my thoughts & feelings. I don't mean for it to be hurtful to him or want him to feel guilty, again, it really doesn't have to do with him. I love & care for him very much and I don't think there is anything in this world that will change that. **
Has anyone ever noticed that I never mention or talk about my dad? To those who know me on Facebook, have you ever noticed that the only parent who I visit or who comes to see me is my mom? Well, for those who may have noticed, I don't talk to my dad. I stopped talking & visiting him at the end of 2003.
I saw him when I went home for Joey's wedding. I said hello to him & introduced Jay when he "ironically" showed up at the bar we were having wings at. That was the most I said to my dad in years. He has asked my mom why I don't talk to him & in fairness, she has told him to ask me. It's obviously not that big of a deal because he's never asked me. In fact, he "claims" that when he tries calling me on my cell phone, he gets a message that the number is disconnected. Really? Because I've had the same number since 2001. I know this because Joey has told me this. What I don't think occurs to Joey is we text & talk, using that same number. I think Joey might be in denial about some things between my dad & I, which is ok.
Please understand I don't hate or dislike my dad. He's actually pretty funny & really smart. I feel very sad & sorry for him for a lot of reasons. I think my grandmother messed him & my aunts up. She wasn't very nice. I mean, she actually told my Aunt Leslie that she never wanted her or my Aunt Donna (who she referred to as the black haired bitch), it was my grandfather that wanted a big family. Nice, right? My grandmother told me that she could have married a rich man, but married my grandfather instead. For those of you who ever met my grandfather. He was the most awesome grandfather ever. Too bad for him he didn't marry someone as awesome as him. From what I understand, my dad wanted to be a gym teacher. Knowing him, he would have been awesome at that. Guess what? As I understand it, my grandmother told my dad he would never make anything of himself. So after he finished college he went to work at Harrison Radiators, from which he retired from. How sad for him. Sure, we had a home that I grew up in & moved out of when I was 24 & for the most part life was pretty stable, so I thought, but he didn't do what made him happy.
With those few things I've told you about my grandmother, of course it makes sense why my dad might have issues. I don't blame him, but life is about choices. He could have made different choices.
My dad never apologized. If he hurt my feelings or upset me, he'd toss me $20 as his way of apologizing. I could have cared less about the money. Just tell me you're sorry. It's easier and cheaper.
Ironically, when I got older and was in my relationship with my ex, there was very little love & affection between us. Kind of like my relationship with my dad. There is a difference between taking care of someone & being taken care of. Basic necessities were provided. Love, affection & learning how a man is supposed to treat a woman were not. What did I do? I chose someone who treated exactly like my dad did. As sad as it is for me to say, but in the 4 years I spent in Seth's office, I had to learn how a man is supposed to treat a woman. At age 29 I had to start learning this. How sad for me.
My actual last conversation with my dad was on December 26, 2003. It was to tell him I was engaged. All he said was "that's great" and he changed the subject. He never said any of the things a dad should say when it comes to something like that. Needless to say, he didn't contribute to my wedding & he wasn't invited. Neither was Joey. Not that it matters now, since I'm divorced anyway.
I would still send my dad a birthday card, a father's day card & Christmas presents. He never sent me anything. I didn't get a card for my 30th birthday. Just because I didn't talk to him, I wouldn't forget about him. Obviously he didn't feel the same. Seth told me it's typical of children to not acknowledge a parent but for a parent to not acknowledge a child, well, that's messed up. I can't tell you how many times Seth would tell me he couldn't understand why my own dad would be like that, because I'm the most considerate and thoughtful daughter anyone could ever want. I don't send my dad anything now, there isn't any reason to.
Back in 2001, when I had my car accident, that landed me in the hospital for major surgery to repair the damage, my mom was the only one who came to be with me, not both of my parents. Why? Well, my dad told me he couldn't take the time off of work. Ok, dad, I understand. Mind you, I don't have any family in NJ. I ended up going home for a few months because I had to go to regular doctor appointments & my ex or his family just were available to help (or going to make themselves available either). Somewhere either in that time I was home or shortly after, I don't remember exactly (I've blocked a lot of things, details from my memory) my brother was moving to Arizona. My dad took time off of work to drive Joey out there & was going to fly back. Because he was giving Joey a car. I thought you couldn't take time off of work dad? Remember, you told me that when I was laying in a hospital bed, alone & doped up on Morphine waiting for mom to get there? Which, why did Joey get a car? You never gave me a car? How come he got one & I didn't? Let me remind you dad, I'm the first born. Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean one of us should have gotten special treatment over the other. Oh, wait. I forgot. The ONE time you visited me and you brought me a USED pan because you thought I might like it to cook with. Thanks. Was THAT my "car"? By the way, the ex has that pan. I didn't keep it.
I will never say my dad doesn't love me because I don't believe that. I just don't think he's capable of showing any emotion towards me & seeing how great I am and the awesome person I have become. He will never see how strong I am, emotionally & physically. I'm sad for him because he's missing out. He missed out on a lot of great things & will probably miss out on more great things.
I know, this is part of what makes me who I am. It is what had shaped me to be the person I am and to make changes and to grow and become even more awesome.
:)
Monday, February 7, 2011
Hopeful
I'm sitting here watching the new A & E show Heavy & it seemed appropriate to write. I'm feeling heavy - my heart, my head, my emotions, my eyelids. I had a different blog planned. Maybe tomorrow I will write that. I wanted to do my Monday update, mostly.
I should mention, the last few weeks have been tough. It occurred to me what might be the problem. I've been wrestling with some feelings I have & I believe they are related to my expectations of people. You would never expect a friend to say something or do something hurtful. You think that the people you allow into your life on a personal level would have & behave with the same integrity as you have & do for & toward them. Do I lower my expectations of people? Do I even have any? I had a conversation with one of my friends this week and I asked if I ever say anything hurtful. She pointed out that I am obviously careful with the words I choose all the time. I know this is true about me. I just didn't realize it was so obvious. I mean, it's one thing to tease your friends, which I do, we all do, but I'm careful to never say something I could never take back. I know I've mentioned it before, but I can remember certain things said to me, when & by who. It's like it happened yesterday. I don't ever want to make someone feel like that. I will never do that. It's a terrible feeling to have. So now I am just in the process of figuring out what my expectations should be of others.
Anyway.....
When I weighed myself, it showed I am down another 1.6 pounds, making my total loss 12.5 pounds since 12/27/10. I'm really happy with that. I've only noticed a small visual change. My neck has what I call a divot. My legs seem smaller too. Other than that, I don't visually see anything.
I did some back tracking & looked at my original starting weight a few years ago when I did WW. I am down 43 pounds from my original starting weight. That's a whole lot. That's like some kind of toddler. I'm pretty happy with how things are going.
I know I'm in a funk. I will work through it. Tomorrow is a new day to be hopeful for.
:)
I should mention, the last few weeks have been tough. It occurred to me what might be the problem. I've been wrestling with some feelings I have & I believe they are related to my expectations of people. You would never expect a friend to say something or do something hurtful. You think that the people you allow into your life on a personal level would have & behave with the same integrity as you have & do for & toward them. Do I lower my expectations of people? Do I even have any? I had a conversation with one of my friends this week and I asked if I ever say anything hurtful. She pointed out that I am obviously careful with the words I choose all the time. I know this is true about me. I just didn't realize it was so obvious. I mean, it's one thing to tease your friends, which I do, we all do, but I'm careful to never say something I could never take back. I know I've mentioned it before, but I can remember certain things said to me, when & by who. It's like it happened yesterday. I don't ever want to make someone feel like that. I will never do that. It's a terrible feeling to have. So now I am just in the process of figuring out what my expectations should be of others.
Anyway.....
When I weighed myself, it showed I am down another 1.6 pounds, making my total loss 12.5 pounds since 12/27/10. I'm really happy with that. I've only noticed a small visual change. My neck has what I call a divot. My legs seem smaller too. Other than that, I don't visually see anything.
I did some back tracking & looked at my original starting weight a few years ago when I did WW. I am down 43 pounds from my original starting weight. That's a whole lot. That's like some kind of toddler. I'm pretty happy with how things are going.
I know I'm in a funk. I will work through it. Tomorrow is a new day to be hopeful for.
:)
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Anyone Steppin' On Me, You'll get Burned
If anyone case guess what song that line is from you will win a prize!! That prize will just be my admiration for you for knowing the song!!! HAHAHA
Anyway.....
I know I wrote I went to the Y twice yesterday. Not so much. The first time I went, it was crowded & there weren't any machines available & I got pissed off & left. Then I was going to go with Jay when he got home from work but he had something important come up last minute that he had to do & I went with him.
I know the Y was so packed yesterday because of an impending snowstorm. It still amazes me the panic people get in here in NJ. It was supposed to start sometime after midnight and last time I checked, it's supposed to go through Thursday evening. Don't rely on me, I'm not a weather person.
When I got up this morning, there was only a dusting. There were so many school closings. I checked to see if the Y was closed or would be closing & didn't see anything so I called over there. I was told they didn't have any plans to close early. AWESOME!!! So I had breakfast (Whole Wheat English muffin (toasted), 1 cup of blackberries, 2 Tbsp of Naturally More Peanut Butter & an 8oz glass of 1% milk) & got ready to go. It was snowing, but nothing major. When I got to the Y, yes, I drive even though I can see it out my slider, there were all of 10 cars. SCORE!!
I had my choice of what to do. I decided to make the most of it, in the event I can't get there tomorrow. So I jumped on the cross trainer for an hour. At 24 minutes in, I became very happy. I guess that's what you call endorphins?? I love that feeling. I forget how great it feels. I was working really hard too, sweating, but enjoying the time. My music was good too, which I will share with you at the end of this post. I only share my music selections because you may be looking for something new. I like when others share their playlists.....
When I finished with the cross trainer I noticed I wasn't out of breath & had tons of energy. So I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I walked at a brisk speed, 3.8 but I also had an incline of 4.0. I only listened & walked to 2 different songs: "Closer" by Ne-Yo and "Not Myself Tonight" by Christina Aguilera. I felt so good when I finished. I hate that I forget how good I feel when I exercise. I wish I could bottle that up when I get into a funk.
I was glad I chose to go to the Y. There were all of 7 people exercising. When I was finished, there was barely a dusting of snow on my car. I'm really glad the weather wasn't what they were calling for this morning. I really needed those exercise moments. I also picked some goals for myself. Yes, losing weight and having a healthy lifestyle are long term/lifetime goals. Kind of unspoken goals. The 2 I picked might be silly to someone else, but to me they are important. The first one is to fit into a pair of jeans I bought years ago that I have never worn. They were very expensive jeans that I got on sale for $20. They are faded and distressed & have hung in my closet for over 5 years. They are only 1 size below that I wear now. I haven't picked a time frame, I just want to work to get in them. My second goal is to be able to see my collar bones. I don't think they've ever been visible, well, once, they slightly appeared after I had food poisoning & lost 12 pounds in 2 days. Depending on how I stand & move my shoulders you can see them now. Currently, I'm 4 pounds heavier than when I went on the food poisoning diet ;)
So that's where I'm at today. As Leah commented yesterday, this time of year is tough for a lot of people. Me included. Today I feel great & hopefully you feel great too. If not, do a little something to make you feel a bit better. :)
Today Cross Trainer Musical Selection:
Ching-a-Ling - Missy Elliot
Ching-a-Ling - Missy Elliot (I listened to it 2 times in a row)
It's All About the Benjamins - Puff Daddy & the Family
Give Me One Reason - Tracy Chapman
You Make Me Sick - Pink
Silly Really - Per Gessle
Jump Around - House of Pain
Sikidim - Tarkan
Mi Gente - Kumbia Kings
La Nina de La Trenza Negra - Celia Cruz
Imma Be - Black Eyed Peas
Hope You're Feeling Better - Santana
Sending All My Love - Linear
Return of the Phantom Stranger - Rob Zombie
Murder She Wrote - Chaka Demus & Pliers
Return of the Mack - Mark Morrison
Anyway.....
I know I wrote I went to the Y twice yesterday. Not so much. The first time I went, it was crowded & there weren't any machines available & I got pissed off & left. Then I was going to go with Jay when he got home from work but he had something important come up last minute that he had to do & I went with him.
I know the Y was so packed yesterday because of an impending snowstorm. It still amazes me the panic people get in here in NJ. It was supposed to start sometime after midnight and last time I checked, it's supposed to go through Thursday evening. Don't rely on me, I'm not a weather person.
When I got up this morning, there was only a dusting. There were so many school closings. I checked to see if the Y was closed or would be closing & didn't see anything so I called over there. I was told they didn't have any plans to close early. AWESOME!!! So I had breakfast (Whole Wheat English muffin (toasted), 1 cup of blackberries, 2 Tbsp of Naturally More Peanut Butter & an 8oz glass of 1% milk) & got ready to go. It was snowing, but nothing major. When I got to the Y, yes, I drive even though I can see it out my slider, there were all of 10 cars. SCORE!!
I had my choice of what to do. I decided to make the most of it, in the event I can't get there tomorrow. So I jumped on the cross trainer for an hour. At 24 minutes in, I became very happy. I guess that's what you call endorphins?? I love that feeling. I forget how great it feels. I was working really hard too, sweating, but enjoying the time. My music was good too, which I will share with you at the end of this post. I only share my music selections because you may be looking for something new. I like when others share their playlists.....
When I finished with the cross trainer I noticed I wasn't out of breath & had tons of energy. So I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I walked at a brisk speed, 3.8 but I also had an incline of 4.0. I only listened & walked to 2 different songs: "Closer" by Ne-Yo and "Not Myself Tonight" by Christina Aguilera. I felt so good when I finished. I hate that I forget how good I feel when I exercise. I wish I could bottle that up when I get into a funk.
I was glad I chose to go to the Y. There were all of 7 people exercising. When I was finished, there was barely a dusting of snow on my car. I'm really glad the weather wasn't what they were calling for this morning. I really needed those exercise moments. I also picked some goals for myself. Yes, losing weight and having a healthy lifestyle are long term/lifetime goals. Kind of unspoken goals. The 2 I picked might be silly to someone else, but to me they are important. The first one is to fit into a pair of jeans I bought years ago that I have never worn. They were very expensive jeans that I got on sale for $20. They are faded and distressed & have hung in my closet for over 5 years. They are only 1 size below that I wear now. I haven't picked a time frame, I just want to work to get in them. My second goal is to be able to see my collar bones. I don't think they've ever been visible, well, once, they slightly appeared after I had food poisoning & lost 12 pounds in 2 days. Depending on how I stand & move my shoulders you can see them now. Currently, I'm 4 pounds heavier than when I went on the food poisoning diet ;)
So that's where I'm at today. As Leah commented yesterday, this time of year is tough for a lot of people. Me included. Today I feel great & hopefully you feel great too. If not, do a little something to make you feel a bit better. :)
Today Cross Trainer Musical Selection:
Ching-a-Ling - Missy Elliot
Ching-a-Ling - Missy Elliot (I listened to it 2 times in a row)
It's All About the Benjamins - Puff Daddy & the Family
Give Me One Reason - Tracy Chapman
You Make Me Sick - Pink
Silly Really - Per Gessle
Jump Around - House of Pain
Sikidim - Tarkan
Mi Gente - Kumbia Kings
La Nina de La Trenza Negra - Celia Cruz
Imma Be - Black Eyed Peas
Hope You're Feeling Better - Santana
Sending All My Love - Linear
Return of the Phantom Stranger - Rob Zombie
Murder She Wrote - Chaka Demus & Pliers
Return of the Mack - Mark Morrison
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