Thinking About Waste

I've been doing some thinking, which I will get to.  But first, something good to share.  Working has been agreeing with me, in a lot of ways.  I've lost 4 pounds since I started.  My day time food choices are better, my night time progress isn't always good, but better days have been happening.  I think the structure helps me a lot.  I'm really a structure type person.  I have always known this.  If you saw my morning routine, I don't really stray from the order in which things get done.  Anyway.....

I've been thinking about something and I haven't found answers/solutions.  It's not really anything bad, well, it depends on how you view what I'm about to tell you.

Since being on unemployment, I really have been thinking about the cost of food (that is continually rising) and being wasteful.  Not using up all the: vegetables, fruit, meat, whatever & it spoiling, is wasteful.  Is there a way that this can be helped/fixed/solved especially on a VERY fixed budget?

As children, we are taught to clean our plates.  I can't help but think that if I don't eat every single scrap of food on my plate I'm being wasteful.  Is this "my" issue or does anyone else think like this?  I know I need to cut back.  Does this mean I make less food & if I'm still hungry I snack on fruit or vegetables or chips & dip? Or do I just get used to the idea of leaving food behind?  I wonder if making less, then hunting for something to fill me up might be a set up to over eat, especially if I were to choose chips & dip.  Don't judge, I love certain foods, that I don't know if I will ever be able to give up & stay away from.  For me not having leads to binge eating, which I think is much worse than allowing myself the things I love.

Also, with the cost of foods, I really can't afford a lot of meat or meat at all.  I maybe have meat a few times a week instead of almost every day.  I found a delicious Zucchini Quinoa Lasagna that was amazing!! The recipe was vegan, but I made it vegetarian.  I didn't want to buy Tofutti or vegan cheddar cheese.  I am on a budget.  I used low fat cream cheese & Romano cheese for the top.  The quinoa filling was amazing!!!!  I'm modifying the recipe for myself tonight.  I'm going to make the quinoa filling but instead of zucchini I'm going to put it over spaghetti squash.  I've found that with my budget, I'm finding alternatives (instead of macaroni & sauce every night).  I need to find protein alternatives, which quinoa helps with.  I know those legumes help, I plan on making a big pot of lentil soup this week.  I have tofu for some Tofu Tacos as well.  All of these things get me several meals.

But I worry about spending money & being wasteful.  I don't have a lot of freezer room, because my pet's food takes up a good portion of freezer space.  This is my new worry.  I'm open to any and all suggestions and tips about not worrying about wasting food/money.  I write this knowing I have to go through out some lunch meat that I didn't eat all of fast enough.  It's so frustrating to me.

Thank you!

Getting there....

Today is October 2nd.  I have been working for 3 weeks & they have been the most awesome 3 weeks in a very long time.

I'm starting to feel really good, in a lot of ways.  My spirits have been so high.  Unbelievably high.  Almost annoyingly high.  But I don't care.  The last year was awful, I felt awful, I apparently made some people feel awful.  It wasn't intentional.

It's odd how your self esteem & self worth take a terrible blow when there is a major change in your life.  Even when you have a job, whether you're happy or not, how in some ways, you are validated.  Add to sending out resumes, not hearing back, getting an interview, not trying to sound desperate (in your cover letters & in your interviews), trying hard not to beg for the chance.  Such awful feelings & it was so hard to be happy.  Even pretending was hard.  Hearing from friends that it will get better, doesn't help.

I feel like the last year was a dream, with how good I feel now.  It's amazing!  It seems everything else is starting to fall back into place.  My eating has been better, since I have more structure in my life again.  On Friday, I was so happy at work, I wanted to run.  So I treated myself to new running sneakers yesterday.  I'm finally feeling happy enough to get back in the swing of exercising.

I'm feeling like I'm getting back to my old self again.  Getting a job has made me feel great.  I work with some great people.  It's such a good feeling.  It will all fall in to place, I can feel it!!

Ray of Sunshine

Well, things were pretty bad the last time I wrote.  I know it's hard to understand how someone is feeling unless you are in their shoes at the same exact moment in time.  When you're worried about everything, not hearing back about jobs, relationships are strained, it's so hard to see things in a positive light sometimes.  It's really hard.  It's hard to be happy/pleasant/excited/anything positive.  When you cry a lot of the time, how do you do that?

Well, last week, at the advice of a friend, I stepped out of my comfort zone & applied for a lot of different jobs. Wednesday night I applied for one, at a local Army Arsenal - a dream place to work for a lot of reasons for me.  But then again, any job I was applying to was my dream job!  The next day, while I was volunteering, a recruiter, for the Army job called me!  So I called her right back when I got home.  She felt I was an extremely excellent candidate for the position & asked me if I'd like to temp & that while I was temping, they would interview me for the permanent position!!!  How awesome!!  Of course I said yes!!!  So I have been working this week & it's been great!!  Such an improvement to my being & self worth!!  I just needed something.

Now, Monday, the most exciting day for me, there was a HUGE spot of some nasty ugliness.  Bad.  Very bad.  I'm not going to share it on this forum.  It was worked through & dealt with & things are moving forward.  After that, everything has been great.  My mood has been great. Funny thing.....

I've actually been eating better.  It's just sort of happening.  Probably because I have more structure to my day.  Probably because I'm feeling better about myself in general.  I even seem to have more energy.  It's not perfect, but a huge improvement.  Also, being in an office where weight & body fat is discussed a lot & I see paperwork with the words "Weight Reduction Program" on it is giving me a slight complex.  So maybe this is all a good thing.

Things are looking brighter.  I'm hopeful.  Keep your fingers crossed I get the position permanently.  Honestly, I don't know how the Army has lasted so long without me!

On a side note/reminder:  Next Friday is the Zumbathon near me.  So far it's just me & one other person.  Here is my post where mentioned it.  The deal, with snacks is still included.  Please let me know if you're interested!

Fake

"Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy".  I posted that quote on Facebook last night from Twitter.  It's 100% true.  But the thing is, it's a lot harder to be happy, honestly.  I have perfected the art of "being happy" because no one cares if you're miserable.

Recently, it's occurred to me that emotionally I've gone back to a dark place.  I've gone back to exactly 3 years ago, to where I was just before I ended my marriage.  I pretend I'm happy when I am in the company of people, which isn't often, so pretty much I'm sad a lot of the time.  It takes great effort for me to get out of bed, to shower, to be moderately productive.  I think if I had a job, I don't think I would feel like this, well, I think it would help.

I was thinking back to one of the last fights I had with my ex, which was right around this time.  It occurred on 8/23.  His cousin was getting married & I had to go down early & do some makeup.  I don't remember what started the fight.  He told me I had changed.  He implied I had changed into a bitch.  Then he accused me of cheating on him & then he accused me of being a lesbian, because there had been nothing between us in a few years.  I don't know where any of it came from.  I was very upset, it was awful.  I told him he didn't need to take me down there, I would take my own care & he provoked me, accusing me again of cheating.  I told him I wanted to me with my lesbian lover before hand, I needed the pick me up.  Maybe that was bitchy.  I pulled myself together & got ready.  He ended up taking me down there, we drove in silence.  When I got there, I had to pretend I was happy & fine.  His cousin was getting married.  When I did her makeup, I told her what had happened.  No one else knew.  His family didn't know, I was busy being happy in front of them.  Later, when he picked me up to go to the wedding, it was as if we didn't have that fight.  See, his mother's philosophy on things was you yell, scream, get it out, then it's over & done with.  I'm sorry, but I don't believe in that.  I'm not for yelling & screaming fighting.  I'm not for bold face lies & accusations.  I believe with any relationship, it's not always going to be perfect, but sometimes things need to be discussed.  That doesn't mean the relationship is bad.  Anyway, there is a point to my story.

It's occurring to me that I fake it a lot.  Because people don't like miserable or unhappy people.  So my dilemma is I pretend, never even acknowledging, that I might be slightly unhappy.  I don't question anything, I just hold everything in.  When I do need to talk, I try to be an adult about it, the talking, but it doesn't happen often, the talking.  Because I hold it all in.  Sometimes we have to hear things we don't like, especially if it comes from within. It hurts no matter who says it.

So I am back to where I was 3 years ago.  Holding everything in.  I don't know if that will ever change about me.  I haven't written a lot, because I've been having such terrible internal struggles with myself.  I don't know how or what will fix me.  It's terrible.  I feel terrible and I know it's affecting other areas of my life.  It's affecting my self worth.  I haven't even published this post & I feel like "what's the point, it doesn't matter".  I think a lot might have to do with not seeing Seth.  That was my outlet, I let everything out there.  I've been wondering if I had a journal, just to write in at the moments where I would hold something in, I let it out, not to someone, but to my journal.  I don't know if it would work, since there may not be any resolution.

I don't know what to do.  I wish someone would tell me what to do.  I wish someone would fix EVERYTHING for me.  But that isn't reality.  Reality is I am struggling, I am down & it's all bottled up inside me.  Reality is this isn't going to be better over night.  I suppose I'm going to have to force myself to do things, to help myself get to a better place.  I'm sure exercise would help some, but it's so hard for me to find motivation.  I'm just in a rough spot & having trouble getting out.

A Big Fat Sigh

I haven't been writing a lot.  Lots of stuff in my mind & going on.  Serious poor eating choices being made here folks.

Let me just give you a little recap/idea: questioning several relationships/trying to figure them out, not being able to find a job, worry over my unemployment running out, money being tight, my car leaking transmission fluid & getting worse, bed bugs (you can read about that here & here) & most recently slicing my finger open really bad & having to go to the emergency room for 5 stitches & not having health insurance.  This is what's been happening in the last 2 months.  It's a lot.  Is this my rock bottom?  Can it get worse?  I sure hope not because I honestly don't know how much more I can take.

Anyway, I'm not going to complain, at least not is this blog installment (wink wink).  I ran last Sunday, it was hard.  I did W3D1 of the C25K.  It was sooooo hard.  I wanted to quit halfway through.  But I didn't.  I finished it out and I was glad I did.  That night is when I cut my finger.  I've given it a few days to get "better" & I made a date with my friend to run today.  I'm glad I did.  It was hot & humid, but I felt good after.  I posted a status on Facebook that I wished it were possible to bottle that feeling up.  It's so easy, well for me, to allow external circumstances to derail me.  It's so easy for me to seek comfort out of food.  I don't know when or why this ever started for me.  I don't know if I will ever figure that out.  Maybe I should really focus on using exercise as a way to cope.  Transference.  I can at least make an effort towards that, right?  I can't guarantee that I will be successful every time, but I can certainly try.

The actual reason for this blog is about Zumba.  As you all know, I am a volunteer at the YMCA.  I love the Y & the people I have met & gotten to know.  Well, last Friday I got a call to volunteer at a Zumbathon.  It didn't do it, but I watched.  It was about 90 minutes of Zumba with several different instructors.  They do take breaks.  On the table they had a flyer for the next Zumbathon.

The next Zumbathon is on 9/23 from 6:30pm to 9:30pm at the Hardyston Middle School around the corner from me.  This Zumbathon is to benefit a child at the Y.  No child in particular, it's just to benefit children.  The minimum for this is a $15.00 donation (all donations are tax deductible).  They offer other sponsor opportunities: 8 weeks of swim lessons for $80, 8 weeks of camp for $90, Blue Mountain Day Camp (3 weeks) for $885, YMCA Youth annual membership for $234, YMCA Teen annual membership for $338 or any other donation you would like to give.  Any amount will help helpful.

I plan to do this.  I'm inviting anyone who would like to join me.  It's for a good cause and if you haven't had a chance to try Zumba, you can for as low as $15.00.  I think it's going to be a lot of fun.  You have to pre-register so if you're interested, get in touch with me & I will give you the information.  We can meet here, at my apartment & I will be offering a pre-Zumba snack for energy!!!!  I hope I can get a few interested people to go with me.  I know a couple of the Zumba instructors (that's how I roll hahaha) and it's going to be a lot of fun.  It's something I actually am looking forward to.

I've planned a Monday morning run with my friend.  I'm thinking of going to the Y tomorrow for a little cross trainer action.  Nothing to strenuous since I've really slacked off in my exercise but some movement is better than no movement, right?

I'm hoping for some Zumba partners!!!!  I look forward to hearing from you!!!!

I haven't written much lately.  A lot going on in my head.  So many thoughts.  I'm trying to sort my life out.  I've been thinking about what I want - in a career & in my relationships.

The last four months have been tough.  Probably the toughest with the last two weeks being an absolute nightmare.  I have more thinking to do.  I have to make some difficult decisions & it's become very obvious one has been made for me.

Apparently I've been dismissed by a friend.  I don't know why.  I wasn't quite sure, but something I saw today solidified it for me.  I'm sad.  In my thinking, I can only determine that maybe, from some misconstrued texts, the connotation was that I was being negative.  If it were an actual face to face conversation, it would have been far from that.  Writing this is actually making me cry.  It makes me cry because someone, who considered themselves to be one of my closest friends couldn't even find it in themselves to talk to me.  Granted, I'm not always the happiest person lately, but I have a lot of crap on my plate.  You would think a friend would understand that I might need some time, but talk to me about it.  Give me a little space, then talk to me.  I wonder if I did or said something that may have been offensive.  I don't know.

Before any suggestions are given about me making the effort, I extended an invite & got a dismissive response.  Then, when I thought about it, if someone, who is supposed to be one of my very good friends can just let our friendship go, without talking to me, do I want that person as a friend?  Were they ever a friend?  Was I just a friend when the moment was good for it?

On top of this wonderment, I have been worried about whether my unemployment would be extended, since it's been tough trying to find a job.  I found out last minute, it was, which offered me some relief, but I still constantly worry about money.  I've have to become very creative in adjusting my budget, my car is leaking transmission fluid, quite a bit of it & I'm constantly having to check it & add to it.  I'm trying to get to the middle of August, I think I can afford to get it looked at.

Adding to that, I've been doing some thinking about Jay & us.  We talked some, but there is more to be discussed.  Then, I have a major ordeal going on in my apartment building at the moment & I have to remove my animals for a day on 7/26.  This causes me a lot of stress.  I have no family here to take them.  My friend offered her house, but it's a drive & the boy (cat) didn't do well in the car last time, plus it's very hot this time of year.  On top on my transmission fluid leaking, I don't have air conditioning in my car, so I don't want to take him too far.  I found somewhere yesterday & that has provided some relief.  I still have a lot of stuff to before then, it's just a major ordeal.

Still....?????

I'm not sure how to title this one.  Still Struggling?  Still Trying??  You will understand what I mean in a bit.

My eating has been better.  Not much, but still better.  I'm actually getting fruits & vegetables in.  I ran this morning.  It's very humid but it was great to be out there, especially since I remembered to put bug spray on.  I dropped back down to the W3 podcast of the C25K program.  It's a bit easier for me to get back into the swing since I didn't do anything while I was sick.  I like the music for W3.  I don't mean that in the sense of "I need to download it & listen to it all the time" but the beat & the actual music makes it easier to run & keep a pace.  That's why I like it.  It makes me want to do it.  I love running outside, don't tell anyone I said that either.  I like the sun on my face.  I like seeing the birds flitting about.  I like the fresh air.  When I'm done running, I feel like I accomplished so much.  Even though it's only 30-ish minutes & it isn't total running.  I don't have the aches that I did when I first started running.  I'm not sore like I was.  My ankle feels great.  My lungs feel open.  My thoughts are clear & my mind seems to work it's thought processes in a more normal capacity, well more normal than how it is when I don't do any exercise, for weeks.  That in itself is a really good thing since I have been such a prisoner in my own mind the last few months.

I'm very stressed & worried over not being able to find a job.  It isn't that I don't look or send my resume in because I do.  I think the economy isn't great.  My unemployment isn't enough to survive on.  I struggle, I'm constantly budgeting, moving money, paying this, trying to have enough groceries or gas in my car to get through.  My next unemployment payment is only a half of a payment because it runs out.  I'm not 100% sure I will get another extension.  I'm hoping & praying.  I don't know what else to do.  I try not to think too far into the future because if I do, I cry.

Do I need to apologize to my friends if I'm not being a good friend or a positive person?  Should I expect my friends to be understanding if my mood isn't great?  I don't know what's right.  I've really been evaluating my friendships lately.  I probably worry about them more than I should.  More than I need to.  I have other things like my rent or finding a job to worry about.  Part of me would like to tell people: "Eff off if I seem negative & it's hard for you to be positive around me.  Some days it's just hard for me to pretend everything is ok and if I'm not pretending & letting it out, then deal with it.  If you don't like it, I don't care, maybe you're not being a good friend for understanding that not every day is a good day".  See, I spent a lot of years in my marriage pretending everything was ok.  It didn't work out in a lot of ways.  Now I feel like if I am having a moment & someone doesn't like it - well what the hell do I do?  Pretend so I don't have to hear about how people get tired of negativity?  So I'm back to where I was a few years ago, coping hard with food so I don't have to deal with what bothers me, so I can be that happy person everyone prefers.  That's where I've been in the last  2 months.  Honestly, no relationship, friendship or otherwise is worth me pretending.  So, if you catch me on a day that isn't a good day for me, I'm going to tell you now to deal with it.  I'm am going through one of the toughest times in my whole life at the moment and if you can't understand that I might not be happy every moment, that's not my problem.  That's yours.

This next part may get me into some trouble.  I'm hoping it doesn't.  Sometimes it's easier for me to put things on "paper", in black & white so to speak.  Things with Jay have been tense?  Different?  I'm not really sure of the right descriptive word.  I love him very much.  We've both said we need to talk, but we haven't.  I don't know why.  Maybe no time?  Partly I'm afraid to talk with him and I don't know why.  Sometimes I think we are both stubborn, I mean, I know I can be stubborn but we need to talk & listen to each other.  It's very unproductive to talk while being stubborn, again, I know about this.  How do you have a talk with someone without crying so hard you can't get the words out?  I think that's why I haven't initiated a conversation with Jay because emotionally I can't say what I need to without crying.  It's hard to hug him sometimes because I have to hold back tears when all I want to do sometimes is just cry in his arms.  I think about this a lot.  I wonder if he knows that it's ok for people to discuss their relationship and it doesn't mean that one person is right and one is wrong.  Sometimes there are misunderstandings & miscommunication that need to be cleared up.  And that isn't just with a love relationship, friendships have that too.  I think part of the not talking is because I got into the habit of never discussing my feelings.  So I let a lot of things compound.   This goes way back to before I ever moved to NJ.    I feel like now that I want to talk so much, I'm all "touchy, feel".  Poor Jay is the lucky guy that whenever I feel insecure or misunderstand or there is a miscommunication I actually want to talk about it.  But I'm flawed in the sense that I will hold in things (let them compound) partly because I still struggle with feeling comfortable to talk at times.  The other part is that I sit and think, re-think, think-think, double think, you name it think about stuff until one moment when I blurt "it" out.  "It" being what I feel insecure about, misunderstood, etc.  Then when I do say something Jay doesn't understand where the "crazy" talk comes from.  Couldn't be that I make myself crazy?  It's something I need to work on, I believe we all have room to improve learn & grow.  So of us more than others but this is one area I need to keep working at.  I really hope that he doesn't get mad at me for mentioning this here.  But this is my way of talking to him at this moment without crying & having time to make sure my thoughts are clear & understandable.  Hopefully it allows him to understand me better.  After this maybe everyone will understand me a little better.

For the first time in my life I don't have answers or solutions, with a lot of things for myself.  I'm feeling lost & scared.  The worse it becomes, the worse I become & then I become irrational.  My head gets filled with craziness, so may levels of craziness.  I know I've become withdrawn & detached, I'm not always the positive, happy girl I've been because it's hard for me.

I said I didn't know how to title today's blog.  It's very clear I am struggling with several things.  It's also clear that I am still trying.  I think what's important is that I get up out of bed every day & make an effort.  Some days it's more & better than others.  Some days it isn't.  Right now it's the best I can do.  Sorting my life & relationships and everything else out has become very difficult.  But everyday I try and that is enough for me.

Missing

I know I haven't written in a while.  I couldn't.  I didn't have anything to write.  I'm in such a funk, it's awful.

After getting strep, that turned into a middle ear infection.  I was so clogged.  I didn't exercise, I didn't watch what I ate, hell I'm still not exercising & watching what I'm eating.  Good news is after a second dose of antibiotics & a nose spray & some pills to help things drain, I can hear again & my ear is no longer clogged.

But things aren't good.  I'm not good.

Being unemployed is probably the worst thing to ever happen to me.  Because then I happen to me.  I'm inside my head constantly.  I think, rethink, over think, double think, triple think, you name it: all I do is think.  About stuff out of my control.  I worry too.  I worry & think......all the time.

My patience is low, for things, for people.  I don't talk about much of anything with anyone.  I don't want people's advice.  How can anyone give advice when they haven't been in my position?  So I keep everything to myself, in my head.  When I am upset, I'm afraid to talk about it.  So it all stays in my head.

I hate not having things in my control, but then again, is anything ever in my control or anyone's control for that matter?    Does worrying solve anything?  Does rethinking past "things" fix them?  You can't go back & change anything.  So why do I do it?  Why can't I just stop it?

I had a friend who always said "fake it until you make it".  Does anyone know when I "fake" happiness? A smile? That things are ok? That the right "thing" will come along? That it will all work out as it's supposed to?

I have 2 major worries at the moment.  My unemployment is scheduled to run out on 7/31/11.  I don't know if I will be getting another extension.  I send out my resume, I get no response, not even a "thank you but no thank you".  I have less than 60 days to find some kind of solution.   I really am hoping to find a job.  That would probably be the best thing to happen.  Then I'd do less thinking & worrying, but I'm not sure that's going to happen when I've been looking for a job for the last 10 months and haven't had a response to anything in the last 4 months.  I've run out of options and I don't know what to do.

My other worry is a little more personal & it's isn't something I'm quite ready to discuss publicly at the moment.  Because it doesn't just involve me.

I'm trying now to get motivated to get up & run tomorrow.  I haven't run since I got sick.  I know I will have to drop back down to a less running week in the C25K program.  Running might help me feel better but it's really hard to get up out of bed to go.  I don't want to get out of bed a lot of days.  Why would I want to?  I can't guarantee I will get up & out to run.  I'm going to try.

I can pretend to be hopeful & hope THIS is the week something good happens.  THIS is the week I have answers & clarification & find a job & everything works out, like it does in those made for TV movies.  Wouldn't it be grand if life were that simple?

Still Sick

I'm still sick.  I had to go back to the doctor Friday because my ear is clogged.  It seems I have a pretty bad middle ear infection.  I now have a nasal spray & some strong allergy meds to get it to drain.  I had a second antibiotic that I finished yesterday.  It is improving, but slowly.  My hearing doesn't sound funny anymore, which is really good.


My weight is up.  I haven't exercised or eaten right or tracked.  I've also been coping pretty hard with food too.  I know what the problem is.  I don't know how to solve it and I am afraid to deal with it at this moment in time.  When I'm alone, which has been a lot lately, I cry all the time.  Big fat tears.  Sobbing, can't catch my breath crying.  In my car, in the shower, when I walk Hailey.  I have been taking my Ambien every night so I can sleep.  If I don't, I wake up in the middle of the night & think about everything & cry.  I've regressed.  I've been jotting my thoughts down elsewhere, a non public venue.  I don't know if I will ever share them.  It's brutally painful for me to read and to continue adding to.  It's my way of trying to find a solution. 

I went out yesterday & bought so many healthy foods.  Fruits & vegetables mostly.  Yes, I said fruits.  Eating cake or chips or ice cream doesn't make me feel better.  I still cry.  So I might as well try really hard at eating the good foods if I'm still going to cry, right? 


I'm not so sure my ear will heal.  I'm hoping the food choices will help.  I'm hoping I don't need to see a specialist like my doctor suggested I might.  I have until Friday to see in my ear is drained out.  I'm hoping it is.


Keep your fingers crossed that my ear gets better.  I'm trying to be hopeful about everything, but it's not going so well.

Sick

I'm sick.  So sick I had to go to the doctor.  My throat has been raw since Saturday night.  It's been getting worse & worse.  I have strep throat.  I had to get an antibiotic.  Not really what I wanted.

I weighed myself today, I didn't last week.  I have been extremely stressed.  It's just been compounding.  Last week I was so frazzled by Fruity Nutcake (who you can read about HERE & HERE) that I forgot to weigh myself & add it to my weight tracker on Weight Watchers online.  Today, when I weighed myself, I was down 3 pounds for a total loss of 12.9 lbs.  It's been slow.  It must be better though and I am about to explain why.

I ran out of my diabetes meds a few weeks ago.  I never called the doctor for more because I know he wanted to do a meds check, but I just don't have the extra money for a doctor visit.  That's what happens when you lose your health insurance & have to live off of unemployment.  I either pay my rent or go to the doctor.  It's not both. 

Add to the fact I haven't been taking my meds, that I've been food coping hard core.  All sweet stuff too.  Which is odd for me, but that's what it's been.  So my blood sugar has been way out of control.  I haven't even been checking it.  Being stressed along with being diabetic makes me more susceptible to becoming sick.  Sick to the point I need to go to the doctor and get antibiotics, not just a little cold. 

Being this sick is just a reminder that I need to take better care of myself.  Which I haven't been doing.  Because it's just been too hard.  But I have to make a better effort at it.  A HUGE effort.  I can't be sick like this, I can't afford it in so many ways. 

It's a reminder that food doesn't heal, it just will make you sick.  Maybe not overnight, but over time it will.  It's time I started taking better care of myself.  Once I get to where my throat isn't raw anymore, it's time to get back to exercising.  I haven't run in over a week & that makes me sad.  I also have to really get back into exercising.  I have no excuses, I mean, I don't have a job & I can see the Y from my back deck. 

I need to make better food choices too.  Major moderation on the sweet treats, although some lemon ice would feel really great on my throat right now.  My doctor adjusted my diabetes meds & refilled all my prescriptions so I will be getting back on track with that. 

Slowly & surely I will be getting back on track.  It will be easier once I get rid of this strep.  Yuck!

Work

It seems I have some work to do.  Don't get too excited, I didn't get a job.  I saw Seth yesterday and it did not go well at all.

But first.....after all the C's I consumed: chips, cheese & cake, I was only up 1.5lbs.  I don't think that's bad considering.

Second, I am a new volunteer at the YMCA.  I will be working in the Wellness Center greeting all members, seeing if they need assistance, would like an orientation & just to see how things are doing.

Ok, on to Seth.  I left a complete wreck yesterday.  I haven't cried like that in a long time.  Big, fat hysterical tears.  I suppose a lot of things have been compounding on me: no job, money is tight, a crazy neighbor among other things but I didn't expect to discuss what I did yesterday.

It's finally occurred to me why I emotionally eat.  Yesterday I was talking about some things with Seth & it's very apparent I have extremely low self esteem & that affects a lot of my personal relationships.  So when I get frustrated I eat, because of how I handle/deal/don't deal with things. 

I am not sure how to raise my self esteem up.  I suppose I am going to have to figure that out.  I don't know where to start.  I almost don't want to do it.  But it's work that needs to be done. 

Wheel of Cheese....and Cake

Yes, I missed my Monday post.  My weight was up .8lbs, which I didn't think was so bad.  I'm thinking this Monday to come it will be up a whole 8lbs.  Here's why.....

Last week was my birthday week and I really didn't feel like celebrating.  For a lot of reasons.  So the week & few days before my birthday (figure about 10 days) I hit the processed foods hard.  Chips.  Love them.  Saturday I had a wedding to go to, which was lovely.  The wedding & reception itself was lovely but there was a lot of cheese which was also lovely.  Yummy, delicious salty cheese.  It's pretty much what I ate the whole time.  I like cheese, what can I say.  I've been bloated from my food choices for about 2 weeks.  Do I know how to do it or what?

On Thursday, I baked my birthday cake.  I've been by myself since the evening of that day & pretty much have enjoyed nothing but cake & chips & cheese.  The 3 C's.  I'm sure that my food choices are strongly reflective of things that have me stressed & what do I do?  I emotionally eat.  Food is my drug of choice.  Oddly though, I know exactly WHAT the things are that are stressing me and when I choose not to deal with it, I try to suppress it with food.  Yes, I know that isn't good.  That's why I called Seth to see if I could see him to talk it out.  I will be seeing him this Thursday and I can't wait.

Pretty much everyone knows I've been unemployed going on 9 months.  I'm my worst enemy.  I do nothing but think about money, will I have enough, current things that are on my mind, past things I can't do nothing about, my crazy new neighbor, you name it, it's on my mind.

I will be alone the next 5 days so I have time to compile all the things that I need to talk about for Seth.  It will be good for me to go.  I don't want to talk about some of the things with my friends, I don't really care for their opinions.  They just make me feel worse.  I've gone back to my practice of holding things in & just pretending everything is ok. 

I know I need to exercise more than the whole C25K thing.  I just haven't felt it.  Probably because I'm all bloated up from chips & cheese hahaha!

Everything isn't all bad though.  I'm a new volunteer at my YMCA.  I will be greeting members (new & established) in the Wellness Center, seeing if they need help or would like a free orientation with a trainer.  A lot of people don't know that they can take advantage of that free orientation.  I start this Tuesday.  I'm looking forward to it.  When I was doing my interview, I found out that Zumba is now offered to those who receive financial aid from the Y at a discount.  That means I can take Zumba for a lower price.  I'm excited about that & will be starting Zumba this week.

I've had a bit of a business idea.  I talked about it with a friend from high school who gave me the idea how to start it free to see if I like it & if I can get a following.  I'm calling it Friendly Stranger & if you click on the name, you can check it out.  I had the idea of "talking" to others, offering help anonymously.  I have been lucky to have my own therapist (Seth) but not everything has that ability.  Sometimes we can't talk to friends or family.  I have been "blessed" with the ability of people telling me their life stories within minutes of meeting them.  So I set something up.  Please check it out & pass it along to someone you think could benefit from it.
That's what is going on with me.  Monday starts a new week & I'm planning to be focused.  I really need to be.  There is a possibility I will have some major changes and I need to be prepared.

April 11, 2011

Today is a big day, which I will get to.  I need to give you some stats first.

Weigh in was up 2.4 lbs.  Whatevs.  I had some salty foods & it's about "that" time.  My emotions have been getting to me.  I've had really dumb things said to me bother me more than they should.  I gave in to temptation.  But you wanna know something?  I managed to track complete days.  Not just breakfast, or half a day, complete days, in a row.  That is huge.  It's all a journey, remember?  I am human & far from perfect.  I wake up EVERY SINGLE DAY TRYING.  Some days I'm successful, some days I'm not.  I'm me and I am very happy with me.

Ok, so for the big news.  Like to hear it?  Hear it goes:  I ran a total of 16 minutes today!!!  That's right, 16 minutes!!!  No, the 16 minutes were not straight but I did 2 five minute runs.  FIVE MINUTE RUNS!!!  That is huge for me!!!  It was hard, my calves were screaming at me but I pushed through it.  My lungs didn't catch on fire & my heart didn't explode.  I did it!!!  It was also all uphill & into the wind!!!  HAHAHA just kidding, but it felt like it.  It's an extremely breezy day here in NJ.  The sun came out & it was glorious. 

Let me break down Week 4 of C25K for you: a brisk 5 minute warm up walk, run for 3 minutes, walk for 90 seconds, run for 5 minutes, walk for 2.5 minutes, run for 3 minutes, walk for 90 second, run for 5 minutes then walk 5 minutes to cool down.  It was slow, it was hard but I pushed.  I didn't stop.  I didn't walk when I should have been running. 

As I was doing my cool down walk, I got to the top of this little hill & took everything in.  It was awesome.  The sun, the view, the mountains.  I got a little teary eyed.  It shows progress. I'm really very happy with myself. 

I know I need to really get my eating on track.  In reality, I have a lot more good days, full days of eating than I do of bad.  Most days it's not even full bad days, it's snacking.  But the important thing is I continually work & try at it & there is more good than bad.  It's a balance I can live with & have no guilt about :)

Oh boy....

Fiber & water. I firmly believe this is the key to weight loss because when you spend THAT much time in the bathroom after eating high fiber foods & drinking water to combat the fiber, that's how you lose weight. You flush it down the toilet. That is all. :)

Good Start

I think my life is missing some things. First, I'm missing another 3.8lbs making my total loss 13.9 lbs. It would have been more this week but there was brownie ice cream pie (2 slices) & those damn coconut clusters. What can I say, I'm weak for certain foods! I really enjoyed the podcasts for the C25K program. It is making things much easier. I am going to do Week 3 again, to build my confidence. I'm also really really really really really really really really scared of Week 4. Week 4 has 5 minute long jogs. I just did 3 minute jogs for the first time in my life ever. I'm not quite ready to take on more.....just yet. I'm missing the structure of a job in my life. I spend way too much time thinking about things. It's really all I do. Tomorrow will be 8 months that I've been unemployed (and reassured by the Career Center that 8 months is nothing compared to the 2+ years others have been unemployed). I hope it isn't much longer. I may drive myself crazy. I sit & think about things said to me, how I reacted, how I should have reacted, how I'm afraid to discuss things with some people, you name it, during the course of a day, it goes through my mind. I know I am my own worst enemy. I truly do have some things to think about because I am unhappy about some particular stuff, but the rest is just mind clutter. Anyway.... This week is also off to a good start. I'm on track & that is a good thing. Have a great week! :)

Sunshine on my face

So as I mentioned before, I decided that I'm going to focus on wogging (walk/jogging) & get really good at that without concerning myself with the classes. It was just way too much. I decided to take my ambitions outside because it's starting to get nice here. I have my running play lists that I made for my iPod & I have my watch for timing myself. That's how the C25K program works. It's a 9 week program designed to get you running a 5K in 9 weeks. I have some doubts for myself. I've never been a runner. Ever. It's hard for me & I keep trying. I decided for outside, to actually download the FREE podcasts itunes has for your iPod for the C25K program done by Robert Ullrey. I took the time to get all 9 weeks. I've already completed Weeks 1 & 2 several times over the last 3 months (like I said, I'm not a runner, it's very hard for me) & would be starting on Week 3. Every time I've tried the C25K program I've never gotten to Week 3. I always stopped. So the fact that I was starting Week 3 is huge for me. So I start listening to the podcast as I'm out there with my friend Elysia. She also has the C25K podcasts too. The way Week 3 is structured you walk briskly for 5 minutes as a warm up then you jog 90 seconds, walk 90 seconds, jog 3 minutes, walk 3 minutes, jog 90 seconds, walk 90 seconds, jog 3 minutes & then you walk another 5 to cool down. 3 minutes of jogging. I was already ready to quit. I didn't know how I was going to do it. One foot in front of the other I guess. Anyway, I'm listening & the music isn't exactly to my liking. Think Erotic Spa music. I'm walking along & Robert comes on & tells you to get ready because your first jog is coming up & when to start. So I start. Then he tells me to walk. Then to jog and so on. Wow!!! For me, it made the process much easier. I didn't have to watch the timer on the treadmill because let me tell you, any amount of seconds of running feel like FOREVER when you're on the treadmill. I didn't have to watch the timer, pay attention to my stride & my breathing. I only had to pay attention to my stride & breathing. It was so much easier for me. Well, the first day it was very breezy & it seemed like I was jogging up hill into the wind but I did it. Which, the treadmill doesn't have hills. As I told my friend Amy, you know Amy, the triathlete, before I even jogged outside that the hills would be my friend because they are what is going to make my ass look good. I've decided that the podcasts are what is going to help me be successful with this whole running thing. Having never run before, I have to develop the skill. If I just worry about my breathing & stride & someone else watches the time for me, that is a huge help. I can follow along until I become stronger & more confident. The podcasts are such a great learning tool. If you'd like to get them for yourself you can click here and just read up to get them. If you want to read up about C25K you can go here, you can even print the running plan. I'm actually excited & want to get really good at this. It finally feels like something I can do, in my own time, as long as I keep trying. Life is a journey, right?? In other news, I was doing awesome tracking & counting my points. Yesterday was awesome (I was also down 3.8lbs since my Monday weigh in, all that fiber.....) until I got my delivery of Gertrude Hawk Toasted Coconut Clusters. I haven't tracked a single one. Bad, bad Elizabeth. They are my most favorite coconut clusters, ever. I only get them once a year. They also complimented my breakfast nicely this morning!!! Hahaha, anyway, the rest of the day is available to be on track & I have a big pot of Lentil Soup simmering away on the stove. I am going to be adding the recipe to my WW so I can figure out the points for it. Saturday is my next planned jogging day. I'm really glad I decided to start doing this outside. I felt strong & healthy & it was great to have the sunshine on my face. :)

I'm Still Awesome

I'm happy to report that I squeaked out a 3.3lb loss this week. I think it's mostly from Friday-Sunday since I've eaten a lot of fresh fruits & vegetables & the fiber has kicked in.....several times. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning. I was awake for a while around 4am. Thinking. This not having a job thing is really taking it's toll on me. On April 5th, next Tuesday, I will be unemployed for 8 months. Yes, 8 Months. As I've been told in the computer lab, that's not so bad, there are people that have been unemployed for 2 years. As if that is supposed to make me feel better, but it doesn't. I'm to the point with money now that I hope to have a few sheckles left over after bills get paid to get a few groceries. Granted, I don't write this for pity, I'm trying to explain & work through my funk. I have a budget spreadsheet & bills are accounted for first, then some gas for my car, then food. As I've mentioned, it's much easier & cost effective to but frozen & processed meals. Because my budget is so tight, I'm noticing the prices going up. Take milk for instance. On sale it's $2.89 (I buy 1%). Costco's regular price for the same thing is $2.72. Milk not on sale is about $3.79, give or take. How do people with kids do it? I asked Jay to help me & he got me milk & an ass load of raisin bran from Costco. And all those fruits & vegetables I've been munching on. So with that, I worry constantly about money, that everything is budgeted right. I apply for jobs & don't hear back from anyone. The thing is, I am awesome, as I mentioned in my last post. I, for the life of me, can't figure out why someone wouldn't hire me. I'd be a great asset to any business. I'm smart, a good problem solver, great at multi-tasking, I have initiative, I'm a people person with superb people skills, you name it, I have it. I suppose the right thing will come along, when it's right. I'm thinking I should stop worrying about what's not happening & focus more on getting better at this running thing. I've planned my 3 running days this week for the C25K program. I will be meeting up with my friend Elysia to work that program outside. Even in the cold. It's not butt cold like my friend Amy is running 8 miles or more in, but it's still cold. So I will be adhering to my pact with Leah of working C25K. Running outside is much harder on a treadmill. I don't know why, but it is. Either way, I'm moving forward with that. Here's to being focused & succeeding at being awesome! :)

Awesome

As I mentioned, I made a pact with my friend Leah. I have to apologize to her. I haven't been good at keeping the pact. I set myself up for failure.



She left me a comment: I don't know how you can run & do the cardio sculpt and all that crazy intense stuff you do - - You're like Wonder Woman!!!



I can't do all of that stuff. It was too much, way too much. I was left unable to form words & able to keep my eyes open. Really. Then I didn't want to do anything because I couldn't do it all. So I didn't do anything. I haven't done anything. What a moron I can be. I can't do everything, so I won't do anything. Who gets the Asshole Award this week?? I do!!!



Then I tweeted I was scared to try W3D1 of the C25K program, because I am. There will be 3 straight minutes of jogging twice within a 25 minute period. Add in 90 seconds of jogging as well. THAT I know I can do. But 3 minutes? No effing way!! My friend Amy, the triathlete, tweeted in response: Keep trying. Keep showing up. If it were easy everyone would do it. The hard part is what makes you stronger in many ways.



Of course I responded that I'm disappointed in myself. Amy told me to try to avoid disappointment, that I have a certain focus & that my energy is in run right now & I should own it. Well, I'm owning it.



At this moment in time I can't be successful at running & classes. I have to pick one thing & be good at that before moving on to something else. I've chosen the whole running thing for a couple of reasons. First, the classes are during the day which means if/when I get a job, I will have to stop taking them. Second, the running I can do anytime anywhere. Third, I've been trying this whole running thing longer than taking the classes, so I am going to stick with what I started first & get really good at it.



Twice this week, friends, childhood friends, Heather & Amy both told me I am awesome. They are pretty awesome themselves. Leah thinks I'm Wonder Woman. Maybe I should try seeing myself as others see me instead of seeing myself the way I typically do. I bet I might be more successful at running, eating right, being healthy. It's time to start formulating different thoughts in my head & believing them.



I'm lucky to have such smart, great, wonderful & awesome people in my life. I think things would a whole lot worse if I didn't.



Awesomely yours,



Elizabeth

Oy

I'm up 3.7lbs. Could it be the monthly womanly thing?? Could it be the corned beef & cabbage dinner (SALT)??? Could it be the chips, pretzels & cookies I had again this week??? Maybe it's a combo.



I am at a point where money is so tight that I am going to have to start choosing, not budgeting, what I get. This might sound weird but when I stop at the store to get bananas or some other fruit, I pick something else on it & then end up binging. I think this is happening for a couple of reasons: I don't want to have to limit my budget. The worst/most striking observation is I have this fear of having nothing so I have to have it all, now. I'm pretty sure that is why I have been having trouble the last couple of weeks.



Soo.....



If anyone has EXTREME budget tips they can offer me I welcome every single one of them. If you don't want to post them as a comment, you can send it to me in an e-mail. Since I haven't figured out how to create a link to post my email right to the blog you can get it by viewing my complete profile.

Now that I'm aware of what the problem is, I will be more conscious of it. I have to. We will see how this week goes....

:)

Working at it

I'm having some struggles. It's not the typical struggles you think, well for me. They are different.

I'm very physically sore. I tried a Cardio Sculpt class twice this week. Twice, I have been rendered incapable of formulating words, sentences or conversations. On top of the classes, I made a pact with my friend Leah.

You all know Leah. She is a childhood friend of mine and also a blogger. She writes The Storybook Ranch, her crafty home improvement/vintage/thrifty blog and she writes Being Vegan Again, her path back to a vegan lifestyle, which, to me, is extremely informative & has caused me to ask her more questions as well as thinking about making some changes as well. Anyway, Leah & I made a pact last week to run (think wun/wog for me as I, again, am working the C25K program) & to honestly report to each other. The reason we are reporting and being honest is because we are going to do the Tunnel to Towers 5K in September. Yes, I need that much time to get ready for a 5k.

So, I did my C25K before Cardio Sculpt. That is approximately 85 minutes of cardio. It's a lot. I'm guzzling water, sweating like a pig (I weighed myself before & after & I lost 3 lbs in that time!!) My ass hurts, big time. The outside of my cheeks down the backs of my legs. My hip muscles hurt, the tiny muscles at the tops of my thighs right next to my gini hurt. I know it's from my exercising. I didn't take Cardio Pump yesterday because I was so sore. I contemplated not even going to Cardio Sculpt because I was still sore. But I went & I did my C25K before hand. Why? I don't want to fail. I want to succeed, I want it all to get easier, because I know if I keep at it, it will. For the Cardio Pump & Sculpt classes & for the C25K. I just have to keep plugging along. What I like with the classes is that they show you how to modify the moves for your skill level. That gives me hope.

I'm also struggling with my blood sugar. I'm having troubles keeping it in the normal range. I am running on the low side where I get shaky, bad shaky. Shaky in my chest, like a fluttering. When I eat well, I don't have blood sugar spikes, but I take medication to control my blood sugar. I know I need a meds check but I don't have any health insurance, I lost that when I lost my job. I don't have any extra cash to use that to pay for a doctor's visit. I'm stressed over what to do. I know everything has a way of working out, or I figure out a solution, but I'm having trouble with this one.

Tomorrow is going to be another rest day. I can feel it already. Even sitting hurts. This is the third day it hurts to sit. Friday will be C25K & Triple Threat. I know at some point this "stuff" that I'm doing will be come easier, but until then I will continue to work at it.

:)

Get a Grip....

I wanted to put a bad word (asshole) in my title, but I didn't. Also, the asshole I am referring to is myself.

I had a rough day Friday. The short of it: On my way to my Triple Threat class, which I ended up not going to I grabbed my mail. I saw the distinctive envelopes from my bank signifying a problem with my checking account. Stuff bounced because of an error someone else made causing me to be out of money I don't have & that had already pre-budgeted because I'm so poor that's how life is for me. I had to come inside and figure out the exact problem. I did. Nothing I can do to fix it. I'm ass out. Needless to say, I coped & coped hard with some chips, dip & a bag of chips ahoy cookies.

That was pretty much my diet for 24 hours. Awesome, right? By Saturday afternoon I felt calm & had a talk with myself. None of it made me feel better. I just needed to do things my way at that time. It doesn't make it right or better. It's just what happened. Being on such a tight budget always weighs on my mind. Struggling to find a job weighs on me. Add to that that I have trouble sleeping at night because I re-think, over think, pre-think, you name it. I can't change the past, I can't control things people have said/may say/are saying, I can't control certain things in my life only how I react to them. I didn't do so well over the weekend. Maybe it was a reminder that I don't have to do that. I don't know. It was back on the WW wagon today though.

Speaking of WW, somehow my weight is down an even 2lbs for a total (from my re-start) of 10.5lbs. Granted, that doesn't mean I can have a bender like I did regularly, it just means I need to work harder at finding an alternative.

Today I took a Cardio Step class, after I started the C25k program again today. With the C25k I didn't go back to week 1, I started back at week 2. It was a struggle for me but it went better than I expected. After that I took Cardio Step class for an hour. It was much harder than Cardio Pump & Triple Threat. It was mostly a step class, learning a new routine with a little strength training incorporated. The other 2 classes concentrate on a larger amount of strength training. There was a lot of up & over the step, pivoting, ponies, grapevines, kicks, power moves, you name it. I spent a lot of time trying not to bust my ass too!!

I had a good workout today....so good I have been EXHAUSTED all day long. Unable to keep my eyes open, just want to sleep kind of workout. That's awesome!!! I'm sure some of my exhaustion has a little to do with my womanly time embarking upon me as well. As I get older, it really is beginning to take it's toll on me. Anyway.....

That's where I'm at: a bender, a loss & a good workout!

:)

Stuff

I have a bunch of stuff to share. Bear with me, there might be a lot of information involved.

I believe I discovered to cause of the extreme swelling of my ankles, my right one more so than my left. My right one swells more in general due to the damage. We will get to that in a bit.

About 2 weeks ago when I started taking the classes at the Y, I asked Jay to get me some pain reliever. I didn't have anything but Excedrin Migraine, nothing for muscle pain. He grabbed me some Aleve. I didn't think anything of it & stated popping them, taking 2 at a time. I didn't realize until 5am this morning, 2 isn't a dose, it's 1, whoops!! So I was looking at the bottle & it said "Naproxen Sodium Tablets". My thought was "sodium, salt, water retention". So when I got up this morning I looked it up. Guess what I discovered??? Visible water retention & water retention in general are common & severe side effects of naproxen sodium tablets. I won't be taking any more Aleve, time to get my good old standby of Aspirin!!

So the reason I was up taking some Aleve at 5am is because my ankle (the one I shattered) is bothering me. I never complain about it, ever. I never let it hinder me or any physical activity I do. I'm not supposed to do weight bearing exercise & do it at my own risk. My orthopaedic & I had a discussion about it. Let me recap: 10 years ago I shattered both of my leg bones at the ankle joint in a car accident. I also broke my 3 middle toes in that accident. To fix my ankle I had 2 wires & screws put in on the inside of my ankle & on the outside of my ankle I had a bone graft (from a cadaver) a plate & 5 more screws. I've since had the hardware removed. Shortly after, about 3 years after my accident, it was determined that arthritis had already started on the inside of my ankle & at 27 I was deemed a candidate for an ankle replacement, I'm just to young for it to be done. On top of that, there is a "bone bridge" fusing my leg bones together so I will ultimately lose the independent movement each leg bone has. My toes constantly feel as though a sock is bunched up under them & the muscles become very tight at night when I sleep. Yeah, there is a lot going on in there, but yet I don't let it stop me.

Last night, while sitting on the couch putting lotion on my feet, my ankle was making weird noises as I moved it around. It kept cracking & making popping/grinding noises. Gross. Usually I want the joint to crack to feel some relief but it's very painful, almost feels like it's hooked up on something. Nasty. To let my foot hang in a rest position is causing some discomfort. I think it's all from a combination of the rainy weather & my body (ankle) adjusting to the cardio/sculpting classes. I didn't make it to the Y yesterday I was very busy & today I wanted to just give my ankle a little break.

So enough about all that gross stuff......

On Tuesday, in Cardio Pump we were handed Gliding Discs so we could glide. Click here to find out what Gliding is. You would think it wouldn't be a great workout, but it was awesome!! I could really feel it in my thighs (fronts & backs) & hips! We didn't do anything at a fast pace, everything was slow enough to maintain control. I loved it.

The one thing I love about the Cardio Pump classes is that they are never the same. It's always different. There isn't any time for muscle memory. I feel like I get a good workout every time, I mean, I am gross & sweaty when I'm finished. I think Monday I'm going to start taking the Cardio Step class that is offered twice a week. Why not? The classes are part of my membership, I'm trying new active things & I'm challenging myself.

Oh, by the way, my weight happens to be down about 3lbs right now, probably since I haven't had any Aleve in the last couple of days with the exception of this morning.

Have a great day!!

Up

As I mentioned yesterday, I knew I'd be up. A whole 2.6 pounds. My tongue still feels bloated. I've started drinking (guzzling) my water. I even have my travel bottle chilling in the fridge to take with me today to my computer classes at the career center. So I'm prepared & I get hydrated. I'm also going to bring a banana & some almonds with me too.

The class is only 3 hours but I'm used to grazing throughout the day. I don't want to be starving & get home & eat something out of starvation.

Since I'm up, my daily points went up, again. I'm good like that ;)

That is pretty much all I have for now.

Have a great day.

:)

Salty Goodness

It's no secret I have a love of all things salty. I love chips, cheese, crackers, popcorn, hot sauce, dips you name it. Some where during this week, I found a salt lick & it's now resting in my body. I have gone through my food tracker, because I tracked really well this week but I can't quite determine where it's from.

I had a good week tracking & eating this week, so I shouldn't be up by the pounds (yes, I said pounds) that I am showing. I have been drinking my water but not expelling it, apparently. I feel dehydrated, my tongue feels huge & I feel the cramps in my feet. I couldn't possibly have had THAT much salt to feel that way. I think it has to do with the classes I've taken.

I've consistently had muscle soreness since last Sunday. I love the classes because they incorporate strength training. My soreness hasn't been to the point of me walking like Frankenstein, just discomfort and not unbearable.

I know, from my many conversations with Donna, that as muscles repair themselves they will hold onto water. So add that to my love of salt & there is where my gain is coming from.

I'm not concerned about it. I know that if I keep tracking & exercising it will all balance itself out.

Onward & upward!!!

:)

Classes

Well, fiber & I are still battling. I had delicious homemade mashed potatoes with dinner tonight, the only food item all week I haven't accounted for. They were soooo good too.....yum!!!

I survived 3 classes at the Y. Two Cardio Pump classes & Triple Threat today. I had an epiphany during the agility portion of today's class: I can't wait to keep taking this to see how far I can improve. Yes. That's right. I said it. I'm looking forward to developing more strength & stamina to use heavier weights, higher steps & bands with more tension. I've really enjoyed the classes this week.

I spoke with the teacher today, her name is Patti. She taught the Cardio Pump class I took last Sunday. She teaches a Cardio Step class on Monday's & Wednesday's. One of the sections we did today, cardio (see the class gets broken down into 10 activities & chosen by class members, it's different every week) was a step routine that everyone else knew. After class she told me they had been working on it for a few weeks in the Cardio Step class. I didn't even try it. There was a good chance I would have busted my ass & it wouldn't have been pretty. Anyway, she invited me to come to the Cardio Step this Monday. She said it's the last day for this routine & on 3/14 they will be starting a new one. I think I'm going to have to join in.

Now I have a PSA. If you have a YMCA near you please consider checking it out & possibly becoming a member. The people I have met & talked with are wonderful. There are a lot of great programs & activities to be a part of. I was a member of a gym. For the same price I get a lot more at the YMCA. It's just a much better experience & I couldn't be happier.

:)

Fiber, My Frenemy

Yes, I said it. Fiber is my FRENEMY. Why? Because when I have my servings of fruits & vegetables and my water, it wreaks havoc on my intestines. I should be thankful the plumbing, in my house & me is working properly.

I'm sore after Cardio Pump yesterday. The good kind of sore. I will be taking it again in the more & I'm really looking forward to it.

Oh a good note, my weigh in today has me down 1.7lbs, which I'm pleased about. Like I said, I had a much better week. So far, today has been great food wise. I'm sure after all the fiber I've had & the amount of times I've been in the bathroom this evening I'm probably down even more. HAHAHA

Here's to a great day today!!

:)

Walnuts

So I tried the cardio pump class today. This little thing of a muscle lead the class. It's pretty packed too. We needed to get a step (to use at whatever height we felt comfortable with), 2 sets of weights, light & heavy, a weight bar & a rubber band thing.

It was like a club with the music. It was non stop, for an hour. By the time I was done, I was as sweaty as I am when I get off the elliptical after an hour. I liked the class a lot. I won't be able to walk......ever again......but I did enjoy it.

I learned some new exercises with the weight bars that I can do at home for my legs, I liked that. Basically, it seemed as though we did squats for an hour. At the end, when we were on the floor doing some hamstring work, I couldn't do it, things started seizing up. But I'm pretty sure I can crack a walnut open with my inner thighs now :)

I did impress myself by doing dips on my step with my weight bar. I've never done actual dips before & I'm pretty happy I was capable. Look at that, I am capable.

I will probably continue with the class. It's free & I get a double workout, weights & cardio. Plus, I'd like to see how I advance, use heavier weights, make the step higher, not have to rest at times. Plus, the lady who was leading had a nice butt & that's how I want my butt to look. I'm pretty sure it's from all the squats & squat type exercises we did. Leg press, squats, lunges, those are all exercises that get your butt looking nice. You have to put the work in, you don't get it by wearing special "sneakers".

I have some free passes, if anyone wants to try the class. You're welcome to come with me.

I'm going to try to do some vacuuming & a little cleaning. I haven't moved since I got home. I'm hoping to be able to get into the shower too ;)

Better Day

I'm feeling better today. Well, just a little. Yes, I'm still insecure. I don't think that will ever go away. I suppose I could TRY to stop worrying or planning everything out. I think my insecurities have to do with control, well, lack of control, meaning I can't control everything. It's hard not to worry about things.

Tomorrow, I'm going to take a Cardio Pump class at the Y. The description: A full body workout that combines intervals of cardiovascular and strength training exercises. Use of weights, tubing, bars, steps, and balls will all be incorporated into this energizing class. I have a slight fear I might not be able to move later on in the day. The class is offered twice a week. If I like it (and survive it) I will take it again on Tuesday.

On Friday I will be trying a class called Triple Threat, again, providing I survive Cardio Pump. The description: Hardcore circuit class including sculpting and cardio. Of course, I will give you detailed descriptions of these classes.

I'm really hoping that they get me back into lifting weights. I only do cardio right now. I really need to start building up my lean muscle. As a reminder: LEAN MUSCLE BURNS FAT MORE EFFECTIVELY. That's why men lose weight faster than women, they have more muscle mass naturally than women do. Mind you, I don't want to bulk up, I want to tone up. Lifting weights is good for you, your body will like it. Trust me. Go ahead & try it.

I'm not sure if you all know, but I'm still looking for a job. It's very frustrating & discouraging to send out my resume, often, and to not hear back from anyone. My resume is kick ass, if I may sound a little arrogant for a moment. I've also figured out the least I could make to survive at a better rate than I am trying to right now on unemployment. I'm sure that not working doesn't help my insecurities as well as my self worth. I'm currently wrestling with the decision to start looking for a job in Manhattan. There are a lot of jobs, that pay a lot more than local jobs do. It's just the thought of commuting. The long hours & leaving my Hailey girl inside for so long. Living alone doesn't help that. I used to go into NYC (all 5 boroughs) at an old job. But I had to travel throughout them all over, so I know what it's like. The thought of working in an office, daily makes it seem a bit more doable. I also realize that working long hours really will affect my exercise & eating habits & I don't know if I want to compromise that either. I have to make a list of pros & cons & really weigh things out, what's important.

I'm not sure if my fingers will work after Cardio Pump tomorrow, if they do, I will tell you all about it. If they don't work until Monday, then you will hear about it on Monday with my weigh in update.

:)

Insecurities

I figured out why I haven't really been tracking or making the best choices.

I'm insecure.

Dues to my "womanly time" last week & the influx of hormones, that really played up my insecurities.

I'm pretty sure my insecurities have impacted my feelings the last few weeks.

I know there are some things I need to address. I don't quite know how to do it. I haven't found my words yet. I'm afraid of the answers I might get. I don't want to be hurtful. It's a lot of things. So rather than deal with what I need to, to get the answers I need to diminish my insecurities, I've been covering everything up by picking & snacking & not making good choices.

I'm a food coper. This is who I am. I do not cope with food like I used to. I'm considerably "better" but I am not perfect. I don't know if I ever will be perfect. Right now, it's helping me get through until I am ready.

Yes, I'm conscious of it. Sure, I can do my best to avoid food coping. Sometimes it doesn't always work.

I am a work in progress.

Effing Snow

It snowed last night, after we had that luscious taste of spring. I know, I grew up with snow, much much MUCH worse than this, but I moved south for a reason. Guess I didn't move far enough south ;)

No beating around it. I had another gain. 1.7lbs. Wooootttt!!! It was comfort food week, any girl knows what that means. Also, I forgot I could have all my comforts if I accounted for them. I didn't account for them. I also didn't really drink my water. I'm feeling that. My face has felt puffy all week when I got up each morning. I know, my mistakes, my gain. I've accepted 7 moved on.

Today starts a new week. I'm back working toward getting on track!

Have a good one!

Poisoned

I poisoned myself today. Well my mind actually.

I went to the Y & when I got home, I was flipping through the channels & this TV show called "I Used to Be Fat" on MTV was on. It's a show where kids (18 years old) want to lose weight, so they have 110 days to work with a trainer to get in shape & lose weight. So I started watching it.

I don't know if it was a good thing to do or a bad thing.

I can't tell if I feel like crap or if I feel motivated. I'm shocked at some of the things I heard.

One father told his daughter that even though her face was pretty, in order to find a husband she needed to have a good body. That the first thing guys look at is a woman's body. Is this true?

Another boy wanted to get thin just so his girlfriend would marry him. They ended up breaking up because his workouts were taking time away from their relationship.

This has all caused me to think. Thinking, especially lately, is really bad when I don't have a job & have so much time on my hands. I'm also a little emotional this week.

Would my dad love me more or would he take a bigger interest in me if I were thin? I know Jay loves me, but would our relationship be different if I were thin? I think it would. He has a motorcycle, which I've never ridden on. Part of me is afraid to ride but I don't think with how I am, how I look, my size, it would work. That's something we don't share together.

Is it right to want to be healthy to lead a better life or to want to be thin to be loved and accepted? Which is right?

Right now, I question myself & the actual reasons I work at eating right & exercising.

I need to find some clarity. Maybe if I stop watching this show it might help.

Four Words

I went to the Y this morning & I've decided to modify what I've been doing. I am a cross trainer junkie. It's my preference to do cardio. I know I've explained I like to work hard, burning 100 calories every 8 minutes. Sometimes I burn more calories than that when I'm working. Today I decided to keep things moderate, for me. I didn't set the intensity as high as usual. I just kept a moderate pace for an hour. My heart rate stayed between 118-121. I didn't even need to breathe with my mouth open. I did break a sweat though. It was nice & pleasant, if you can call any kind of exercise nice & pleasant ;)


Anyway, I have more to it than that. Last night a friend of mine told me she needed to refocus and asked me if I would move closer to her. My suggestion to her was to pick one thing to stick with today to help getting back on track. I suggested something simple like getting all her water in or all her servings of fruit. See, I don't feel that you have to make every single change all at the same time. I think that will set anyone up for failure because it's hard. Since learning to eat right, with moderation & good choices & exercising & living life, well something will give. I've suggested it before to other people. Pick one thing & stick with it & when it becomes a "natural" occurrence, add in something else. Just keep doing that & eventually everything will fall into place. Well, I hope it does :D I've been told by more than one person I offer inspiration. Wow! I think it's awesome, but I feel a little unnerved. I don't want to let anyone down!!

Yes, I've been doing well on WW this time around. My mind is different. I think that's why. The difference? I stopped beating myself up if I want something or have something. Yes, I still over indulge, but it isn't like it used to be. I make sure to exercise if I want something extra or "special". I've been making it a point to always have my water. Why should you feel bad for having something that isn't "ideal"? Life is about moderation.


A few years ago, on my birthday, my friend Wendy gave me a set of glasses. Some of you actually know Wendy, but only one of my friends & me have had her as a WW leader. Wendy is awesome in general. Wendy as a WW leader - AMAZING!! She's so easy to talk to & so honest & just wonderful. Anyway, I took pictures of the glasses she gave me. They have writing on them. They aren't filled with juice, but water I colored with food coloring. The writing didn't show up other wise.





















Excuse how the images are placed. I lack some skill in this area.

Soar, Imagine, Believe, Inspire. That's what they say. They have been in my cabinet since she gave them to me. Those four words are all something we should aspire to.

If you take anything away from what I post take this: Know that you aren't alone. I understand how you're feeling. I know how hard any kind of struggle is and knowing that you aren't alone, makes it just a little less lonesome. I'm fortunate & very grateful that I have the strong, wonderful and amazing people that have come into my life. Not everyone has that. Well, not anymore.....

Now, with that said, if anyone needs to "talk" you can email me at grazingthroughlife@gmail.com. We can start there. If you need to vent about struggles, tell me about your success, tell me how beautiful the blue sky is today, send it to me. This way you know you are never alone in your journey.

:)

Gain

So it's Monday & I wanted to update you. I'm happy to report that I had a gain this week. A 1.4lb gain. That's right & I'm happy about it too.

I could say "I don't know what happened", "why me", or some other phrase but I won't. See, I didn't properly track & I am a bit bloated, girls times are acomin'.

I'm 100% accountable for any loss or gain. I'm not sad, I'm happy. Why? Because I can admit I didn't do the right things: track or exercise. That is all ok. I'm human & as WW puts it, it's a journey.

I will get there.

It's a new week & time to regroup. I'm still down 11.1lbs. I've had a good day today.

:)

Very Early

It's Saturday & I am up very early. Well, I was. It's now 7:10am. I had some odd thoughts this morning & don't know why. I had about 3 minutes of tears & I am not sure if they were sad tears, angry tears or a combination of both. I'm sure I will figure it out. Before I get to the "meat" I need to add a little disclaimer.

** When reading this post and the things I talk about, it's strictly for comparison. In no way, do I have anger towards or blame my brother, Joey. It's also probably the first time he will be reading & learning about some of my thoughts & feelings. I don't mean for it to be hurtful to him or want him to feel guilty, again, it really doesn't have to do with him. I love & care for him very much and I don't think there is anything in this world that will change that. **

Has anyone ever noticed that I never mention or talk about my dad? To those who know me on Facebook, have you ever noticed that the only parent who I visit or who comes to see me is my mom? Well, for those who may have noticed, I don't talk to my dad. I stopped talking & visiting him at the end of 2003.

I saw him when I went home for Joey's wedding. I said hello to him & introduced Jay when he "ironically" showed up at the bar we were having wings at. That was the most I said to my dad in years. He has asked my mom why I don't talk to him & in fairness, she has told him to ask me. It's obviously not that big of a deal because he's never asked me. In fact, he "claims" that when he tries calling me on my cell phone, he gets a message that the number is disconnected. Really? Because I've had the same number since 2001. I know this because Joey has told me this. What I don't think occurs to Joey is we text & talk, using that same number. I think Joey might be in denial about some things between my dad & I, which is ok.

Please understand I don't hate or dislike my dad. He's actually pretty funny & really smart. I feel very sad & sorry for him for a lot of reasons. I think my grandmother messed him & my aunts up. She wasn't very nice. I mean, she actually told my Aunt Leslie that she never wanted her or my Aunt Donna (who she referred to as the black haired bitch), it was my grandfather that wanted a big family. Nice, right? My grandmother told me that she could have married a rich man, but married my grandfather instead. For those of you who ever met my grandfather. He was the most awesome grandfather ever. Too bad for him he didn't marry someone as awesome as him. From what I understand, my dad wanted to be a gym teacher. Knowing him, he would have been awesome at that. Guess what? As I understand it, my grandmother told my dad he would never make anything of himself. So after he finished college he went to work at Harrison Radiators, from which he retired from. How sad for him. Sure, we had a home that I grew up in & moved out of when I was 24 & for the most part life was pretty stable, so I thought, but he didn't do what made him happy.

With those few things I've told you about my grandmother, of course it makes sense why my dad might have issues. I don't blame him, but life is about choices. He could have made different choices.

My dad never apologized. If he hurt my feelings or upset me, he'd toss me $20 as his way of apologizing. I could have cared less about the money. Just tell me you're sorry. It's easier and cheaper.

Ironically, when I got older and was in my relationship with my ex, there was very little love & affection between us. Kind of like my relationship with my dad. There is a difference between taking care of someone & being taken care of. Basic necessities were provided. Love, affection & learning how a man is supposed to treat a woman were not. What did I do? I chose someone who treated exactly like my dad did. As sad as it is for me to say, but in the 4 years I spent in Seth's office, I had to learn how a man is supposed to treat a woman. At age 29 I had to start learning this. How sad for me.

My actual last conversation with my dad was on December 26, 2003. It was to tell him I was engaged. All he said was "that's great" and he changed the subject. He never said any of the things a dad should say when it comes to something like that. Needless to say, he didn't contribute to my wedding & he wasn't invited. Neither was Joey. Not that it matters now, since I'm divorced anyway.

I would still send my dad a birthday card, a father's day card & Christmas presents. He never sent me anything. I didn't get a card for my 30th birthday. Just because I didn't talk to him, I wouldn't forget about him. Obviously he didn't feel the same. Seth told me it's typical of children to not acknowledge a parent but for a parent to not acknowledge a child, well, that's messed up. I can't tell you how many times Seth would tell me he couldn't understand why my own dad would be like that, because I'm the most considerate and thoughtful daughter anyone could ever want. I don't send my dad anything now, there isn't any reason to.

Back in 2001, when I had my car accident, that landed me in the hospital for major surgery to repair the damage, my mom was the only one who came to be with me, not both of my parents. Why? Well, my dad told me he couldn't take the time off of work. Ok, dad, I understand. Mind you, I don't have any family in NJ. I ended up going home for a few months because I had to go to regular doctor appointments & my ex or his family just were available to help (or going to make themselves available either). Somewhere either in that time I was home or shortly after, I don't remember exactly (I've blocked a lot of things, details from my memory) my brother was moving to Arizona. My dad took time off of work to drive Joey out there & was going to fly back. Because he was giving Joey a car. I thought you couldn't take time off of work dad? Remember, you told me that when I was laying in a hospital bed, alone & doped up on Morphine waiting for mom to get there? Which, why did Joey get a car? You never gave me a car? How come he got one & I didn't? Let me remind you dad, I'm the first born. Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean one of us should have gotten special treatment over the other. Oh, wait. I forgot. The ONE time you visited me and you brought me a USED pan because you thought I might like it to cook with. Thanks. Was THAT my "car"? By the way, the ex has that pan. I didn't keep it.

I will never say my dad doesn't love me because I don't believe that. I just don't think he's capable of showing any emotion towards me & seeing how great I am and the awesome person I have become. He will never see how strong I am, emotionally & physically. I'm sad for him because he's missing out. He missed out on a lot of great things & will probably miss out on more great things.

I know, this is part of what makes me who I am. It is what had shaped me to be the person I am and to make changes and to grow and become even more awesome.

:)

Hopeful

I'm sitting here watching the new A & E show Heavy & it seemed appropriate to write. I'm feeling heavy - my heart, my head, my emotions, my eyelids. I had a different blog planned. Maybe tomorrow I will write that. I wanted to do my Monday update, mostly.

I should mention, the last few weeks have been tough. It occurred to me what might be the problem. I've been wrestling with some feelings I have & I believe they are related to my expectations of people. You would never expect a friend to say something or do something hurtful. You think that the people you allow into your life on a personal level would have & behave with the same integrity as you have & do for & toward them. Do I lower my expectations of people? Do I even have any? I had a conversation with one of my friends this week and I asked if I ever say anything hurtful. She pointed out that I am obviously careful with the words I choose all the time. I know this is true about me. I just didn't realize it was so obvious. I mean, it's one thing to tease your friends, which I do, we all do, but I'm careful to never say something I could never take back. I know I've mentioned it before, but I can remember certain things said to me, when & by who. It's like it happened yesterday. I don't ever want to make someone feel like that. I will never do that. It's a terrible feeling to have. So now I am just in the process of figuring out what my expectations should be of others.

Anyway.....

When I weighed myself, it showed I am down another 1.6 pounds, making my total loss 12.5 pounds since 12/27/10. I'm really happy with that. I've only noticed a small visual change. My neck has what I call a divot. My legs seem smaller too. Other than that, I don't visually see anything.

I did some back tracking & looked at my original starting weight a few years ago when I did WW. I am down 43 pounds from my original starting weight. That's a whole lot. That's like some kind of toddler. I'm pretty happy with how things are going.

I know I'm in a funk. I will work through it. Tomorrow is a new day to be hopeful for.

:)

Anyone Steppin' On Me, You'll get Burned

If anyone case guess what song that line is from you will win a prize!! That prize will just be my admiration for you for knowing the song!!! HAHAHA

Anyway.....

I know I wrote I went to the Y twice yesterday. Not so much. The first time I went, it was crowded & there weren't any machines available & I got pissed off & left. Then I was going to go with Jay when he got home from work but he had something important come up last minute that he had to do & I went with him.

I know the Y was so packed yesterday because of an impending snowstorm. It still amazes me the panic people get in here in NJ. It was supposed to start sometime after midnight and last time I checked, it's supposed to go through Thursday evening. Don't rely on me, I'm not a weather person.

When I got up this morning, there was only a dusting. There were so many school closings. I checked to see if the Y was closed or would be closing & didn't see anything so I called over there. I was told they didn't have any plans to close early. AWESOME!!! So I had breakfast (Whole Wheat English muffin (toasted), 1 cup of blackberries, 2 Tbsp of Naturally More Peanut Butter & an 8oz glass of 1% milk) & got ready to go. It was snowing, but nothing major. When I got to the Y, yes, I drive even though I can see it out my slider, there were all of 10 cars. SCORE!!

I had my choice of what to do. I decided to make the most of it, in the event I can't get there tomorrow. So I jumped on the cross trainer for an hour. At 24 minutes in, I became very happy. I guess that's what you call endorphins?? I love that feeling. I forget how great it feels. I was working really hard too, sweating, but enjoying the time. My music was good too, which I will share with you at the end of this post. I only share my music selections because you may be looking for something new. I like when others share their playlists.....

When I finished with the cross trainer I noticed I wasn't out of breath & had tons of energy. So I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I walked at a brisk speed, 3.8 but I also had an incline of 4.0. I only listened & walked to 2 different songs: "Closer" by Ne-Yo and "Not Myself Tonight" by Christina Aguilera. I felt so good when I finished. I hate that I forget how good I feel when I exercise. I wish I could bottle that up when I get into a funk.

I was glad I chose to go to the Y. There were all of 7 people exercising. When I was finished, there was barely a dusting of snow on my car. I'm really glad the weather wasn't what they were calling for this morning. I really needed those exercise moments. I also picked some goals for myself. Yes, losing weight and having a healthy lifestyle are long term/lifetime goals. Kind of unspoken goals. The 2 I picked might be silly to someone else, but to me they are important. The first one is to fit into a pair of jeans I bought years ago that I have never worn. They were very expensive jeans that I got on sale for $20. They are faded and distressed & have hung in my closet for over 5 years. They are only 1 size below that I wear now. I haven't picked a time frame, I just want to work to get in them. My second goal is to be able to see my collar bones. I don't think they've ever been visible, well, once, they slightly appeared after I had food poisoning & lost 12 pounds in 2 days. Depending on how I stand & move my shoulders you can see them now. Currently, I'm 4 pounds heavier than when I went on the food poisoning diet ;)

So that's where I'm at today. As Leah commented yesterday, this time of year is tough for a lot of people. Me included. Today I feel great & hopefully you feel great too. If not, do a little something to make you feel a bit better. :)

Today Cross Trainer Musical Selection:

Ching-a-Ling - Missy Elliot
Ching-a-Ling - Missy Elliot (I listened to it 2 times in a row)
It's All About the Benjamins - Puff Daddy & the Family
Give Me One Reason - Tracy Chapman
You Make Me Sick - Pink
Silly Really - Per Gessle
Jump Around - House of Pain
Sikidim - Tarkan
Mi Gente - Kumbia Kings
La Nina de La Trenza Negra - Celia Cruz
Imma Be - Black Eyed Peas
Hope You're Feeling Better - Santana
Sending All My Love - Linear
Return of the Phantom Stranger - Rob Zombie
Murder She Wrote - Chaka Demus & Pliers
Return of the Mack - Mark Morrison